In What Social Media Sees As Potential Sign Of End Times, Caprisun Announces It Will Come In Bottles

Nineties kids were given a grave reminder of their own mortality this week when juice brand Capri-Sun, best known for turning children into silver goo and coming in pouches that are notoriously difficult to punch a straw through without splashing juice all over oneself, announced that its beverages will now come in generic plastic bottles.

The design change addresses some popularly stated consumer issues with the Capri-Sun pouches – namely, the straw issue and the fact that a person can get roughly three good sips before the pouch shrivels up – but the thought of the iconic beverage in a bottle still struck many as shocking, and perhaps even an offense to human morality.

Rest assured, the introduction of bottled Capri-Sun does not mean the brand is discontinuing its classic metallic pouch. In fact, Capri-Sun has already been selling 96-oz. jugs of the beverage for in-home, in-glass consumption, which has not gotten as much attention but has caused similar psychological distress.

For the time being, one is still able to blow up an empty Capri-Sun pouch, stomp on it and send the straw flying.

However, for many Millennials, the new Capri-Sun bottles mark the incessant passage of time, causing some to slide into an existential crisis — even if the bottles are arguably a more convenient means of Capri-Sun consumption than the classic pouches.