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Random Headcanon: That Federation vessels in Ster mek seem to experience biearre mafuncions wih such overwhelming frequency isnt Just an artefact of the selevision serial bunch of deranged hyper-neophes ooling around in ships packed fuil of beyond-cutting-edge lech they dont realy understand. Endlessly frustrating you have to fight them, because they can puill an effectively unilmited number of buǐshit space-magic ournemeasures out of their arses-but theyre as likety as not to gie themsees a ethal ve-dimenional wedgie in the process All h rampant holograms and warp core maituncions and acddentallytraveling-back In-time indidents? That doesn't actualy happen to anyone else;, it's Iterally just Federation wessels that go off the rails ike that. And they do so on a fainty reguar basis format. Rather So to everyone else In the galay all humans are basically Doc Brown COS prokopet Allens who have seen the Back to the Funuve movies Iterally don't realise that Doc Brown is meant to be funny. Teylejst ike "yes, tat & e ady wh all human sciendsts are ke in my eperience ONLY REASON SCOTTY IS CHEF ENGINEER INSTEAD FROM A SPECIES WITH A HIGHER BECAUSE EVERYONE FROOM THOBE SPECIES TOOK ONE LOOK AT THE ENTERPRISE'S ENGINE ROOM AND RAN AWAY SCEAMN lcan sclenoe academy: why do you need another warp core humare we re going to plug two of them together and see H we go bwice as fast tme we gave you go twice a a warp core wouid t ald tho humans t exploded wice as fast l love this. Especialily because of how well it plays with my headoanon tha the Federation does so much better agast the Borg hn rne else because beaing the Bong wth military tacics is nigh-impossble, but beatng them with wacky supersclence shenanigans works as long as they re nique wacky Reminds me of the thing Iwrote a whle back about Humane In highantasy realms-they'e basicaly Team F--- it Hoid My BeerI Got This impulsive, passionate to a taut, the social strucures they build ⑩ ry and reguane ths hoheadedess lonicaly crea even grealer levils of sheer bul headedness Even their "cooler heads take action in months or weeks lltheir great heroes of the past were impossibly rash by galactic standards Humans Just Go With it, which bs ther great faw but aso their greaest srengh kingons; okay we don't get it vulcan sclence academy; get what klingn猷you vulcans ane a bunch ofstumy proses but youre also tougher. tronger, and smarter than humans in every single way vulcan sclence academy look vulcan sclence academy this is a spedes where you give them two wap cores they dont do experiments on one and save the other for i the rst one lcan scienoe academy this is a spedies where it you give them two wap punch a hole ito an atemale unlverse where urons subscbe to an even more destructve ideological system, fight everyone In it because they re ofended by that, steal ther warp oore·plug m000 together, punch their way back here, then try to un a nearby sun o a or because that was what ther Inial sdentfic eoperiment was for and they cidn't want to waste a trip vulcan scence academy: they dd that last week. we have the wrthupr here. Ifs getting published In about ste hundred scienae jounals across two hundred dferere disciplines because of how many estabished theories their idoulous ise expection has just caled into queson aso, they did tum t sun into a lorus, and no one actuay knows how uoan science academy.斻 is wry lot tane do whatver ma hll thay Come to think of it Imean, Look at the Trst human warp drive" thing in the hat was would have done it you know what the be evide for this i7 Deep Space D alnevewr broke down, minor none of the truly welrd s--- that belel Voyager and all the starshipe Enterprise mifuncions that ifated Oeno and back sure DS8 ever had? the senior staff getting trapped hesute character's in Our Mn 8aanr, and rat was because uman decided to just dump the transporter buffer Into the stations core memory and hope everything would work out somehow, which is a bt Ike swapping your computer's hand arve out for a memory card from a PlayStation 2 and expecting to be able to play a game of Spyro the Dragon with your keyboard you know what, Tm not done wih his post.let's talk about the Pegasus he USS F------ Pegasus, lestbed for the fest Stareet cloaking device. here we have a handlul of humans warking in sect to develop a cloaking device i olation of a treaty with the Romulans ery re paying catchup trying to develop a technology other species have had for a century and what do they do? do they decide to duplicane a Romulan doaking device predisely just see if they car, math what other speaks have? nope, theydacile, hey, wile wore whle we'ne building our vey Arst ore of these things, just to find out if this s possible, let's see we can make it thing phete us out of normal tpace to we can fy througn planets whe weve invisible but why" sald the one hat would f------ rula sald the ing cans of 24t-cenury Foed Bu there must be ike twenty dfferent counseling groups for mon-human engineering sudents at Starfieet Academy, and every week in every singie one of them someone males in and stats up wih a story ne "our igment wis lo repair a phaser emiter and my one human cassmate built a chronometric-u toaster that toasts bread ater you've eaten It Humana get mildly offended by thhe way they ae presened in an-human Lke: Guys, we lotaly wouldn't do that Bus this alwas lls to get much tracion, because the authors Gan aways say "You totalily did There's hat movie where humans inveried vaccines by just testing them on people. Or the one about those two humans who Inwented powered fight by crashing a bunch of prototypes Or the one about elecricity nd human historians go, "on, uh, this is historically accurate, but also kind of boring. To which the producers respond "How ls doing THIS CRAZY THING There ase cntre seritses of horror movies where he premise paying atention to the human and ey found the lechnology "No stopped MacGuyver" is the equivalent of Vulcan vintage human homor television roachpatna during orientation at a human college, vuicans ane presened with a ist of swear What ls the word Tuck for, the innoe young vans want to know. sue there are mane logieal Intensity modifiers yeah, youd ink so, say the weary, jaded vuican professors, you'd resly there is a phrase in vulcan for The particularmoment you understand what the word tuck i for This is why he Federation is the anly orpanisation to ever stand a chanoe the Borg The Bong ean adapt 3o the briliant miltary straagies of the Romulan Sta Empre, the Klingons and even the cold logical inellectual prowess of the The Borg wenen't prepared for a starship captain to lure them Into his 50's noir detective holo-novel and then machine gun them to dearh with a weapon made of hard ight

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The United Federation Of F--- It Hold My Beer I Got This


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IT: CHAPTER 2 WILL FEATURE THE MOST BLOOD USED IN ANY HORROR FILM." HOLD BEER! NO, HOLD MY BEER!
GO! NOONE CANRUINA BRAND REBOOTLIKEUSI TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA HOLDIMY BEER
THE USIRANKS 4THIN EDUCATION AND 24TH IN LITERACY IT CANT GET MUCH WORSE "HOLD MY BEER."
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Hold My Beer - The United Federation Of F--- It Hold My Beer I Got This

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Now that I learned geometry, I found the missing piece of Google-Fu required to recover the final bit I like the most:

Humans: so, uh, funny story

Vulcan Science Academy: Let us guess – you’re not here to return the two warp cores we loaned you for experimentation, and you’re here to tell us that both of them were destroyed at once while you were trying to turn a sun into a torus again

Humans: well, half right

VSA: Wait, what is this

Humans: This is sixteen warp cores

VSA: How is this

Humans: Turns out that at the center of the stellar toroid there was a subspace anomaly that--

VSA: PLEASE don’t

Humans: --caused a refractive tachyon emission that--

VSA: This is literally impossible in every sense of the word

Humans: -- depolarized the warp fields and in short--

VSA: Just no

Humans: -- the warp fields got cloned and we ended up with four.

VSA: But you brought back sixteen

Humans: We had to repeat the experiment a couple of times to make sure it wasn’t a fluke

VSA: What about the “stellar toroid” of yours

Humans: It’s now a stellar triquetra

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Uploaded Apr 12, 2017 at 10:06PM EDT

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star trek, united federation, uss enterprise, vulcan, klingon, warp core, deep space 9, starfleet, doc brown, macgyver, tumblr, headcanon, humans, mad scientist, experiment, the federation, borg

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