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KICKSTARTER Update #101- July/August Posted by Infinite Fall View on Kickstarter Aug 30, 2019 NITW O For backers only Hey all. This update is going to be very difficult. Thanks for your understanding in advance. If you're in need of content warnings- there's going to be mentions of sexual abuse, abuse in general, suicide, etc This week allegations of abuse came to light against Alec Holowka, coder/composer/co-designer of NITW. Since then several other people have stepped forward, detailing issues of varying levels of severity that stretch right up to today. As a result, we won't be working with Alec anymore. Let's talk about that. And please do read through all the way before commenting. There's a decent amount about every life, relationship, and project that anyone who isn't involved directly will never know about. As you can imagine there's tons of things about NITW development that never made it to the internet in a post somewhere. Just like your life, or job, or family, or the things you work on. We've had a complicated relationship with Alec, one that was at times extremely difficult, but we have always cared about him, and we did some pretty great work together if I do say so myself. Sometime in the future we'll probably have to go into detail about that difficult history. I don't know if I can bring myself to do it now. But I'll just ask you to keep that in mind. I'll keep this all brief (edit- i just finished writing and i did not keep it brief but it could have easily been 3 times as long). It will surely fail to answer every question you might have. Bear with me. When we met Alec in 2013 he was a different guy than he is now. We jumped into this kickstarter only knowing each other for a couple brief months. We didn't expect it to change our lives and bind us into a team for half a decade. Despite us being very different people, Alec and I have always gotten along. And I really respect his work and his can-do spirit. He's just up for making things, figuring out problems, suggesting cool ways to accomplish something. And his music is great too, which is something a whole lot of people would agree on And beyond that he was very open to Bethany and I taking lead on narrative, characters, world, art, writing, etc. For that we're grateful and we have some really fond memories of working with him. But about a year so into the project we began realizing that Alec was a bit unstable, often lashing out at people he lived with. We heard through him and some others that he had some pretty volatile dating relationships. Nothing that said /abuse/, just hey there's a lot of drama here. During the next couple of years Alec's instability would lead to his leaving the indie house space in Vancouver he'd been a part of for years and heading to Winnipeg. We took the brunt of this as well. Things got very bad with both him and NITW development and we were honestly making worst case scenario plans by the end of 2015. The story of how NITW was saved late that year gets very personal for me and is all too close still. I'll tell it someday, maybe soon. I don't tend to talk about my own trauma s--- often. But it was then I started having very bad no-joke-actual- medical-issue panic attacks daily, which happened on and off until mid 2017, and with one exception haven't returned. Until the past week But beginning in this bad time for Alec in 2015 (and he's publicly talked about this, we're not dropping confidential info) he went through a good month or so of intense therapy and diagnosis. He emerged from that, honestly putting in the work, putting a lot of that past self behind him, staying up on therapy and meds. We were so proud of him. And relieved. By 2016 he was basically a new person, and we really got to be friends then I think, and we finished up NITW Since then we've kept in touch, saying hey when we're in the same place once a year or so, and recently we've been working weekly on that backer game, which we were all very excited about (more on that later). We were just relieved what with how rocky things had started that we'd all made it out of this with a game we could be proud of, and also that Alec was doing well. In the past couple of years he got his own game studio thing going with various great people, making games that from what I've seen look very cool. He's been really interested in making good s--- with good people. I was honestly just so happy and proud of the guy. I still am, for the ways in which he actually did change, and for the work he's made. This all came crashing down recently, culminating in this week. I'm not going to root through everything in there and give a line by line analysis, but I'll say that enough of the allegations are extremely plausible and just about all of it we've corroborated with other sources. I'm not going to list those out here, this isn't a trial, and we don't /owe/ the internet a comprehensive accounting of why so many people who have known Alec for years have looked at the accusations and believed them Seriously, what you see on twitter isn't representative of real life. It's just what makes it into posts. When people who have years-long real life experience with the guy, people who knew him in different situations, locations, ages, and contexts, all say the same thing, you can assume there's more to this than you'd know from outside the situation, taking it in 280 characters at a time. Whatever happened years ago, this week a contractor working for Alec, whom we know and trust, has come forward with her own experiences with Alec. Others have talked about how Alec's conduct towards women was something whispered around at game events. A woman I've known for a while got in touch with us this week talking about how she's been told many times not to be alone in a room with him. Men have gotten in touch about working with Alec and the things that happened to them there. There are other things, things from people we trust, things you'll probably never hear about. But honestly just being a really s----- boss, as detailed by Albertine, is probably enough for us to separate from him alone. To say nothing of the far more serious allegations out there. Multiple people are afraid to run into the guy at different conferences. We were with him at some of those conferences. Now knowing that people were afraid to approach us and say hello eats at me. The things that Alec did during the bad times were worse than we knew, and he's still being abusive in other ways to those around him. We didn't know. We feel like idiots. We feel betrayed. We're sad and angry. We put in the work with him during those really bad times. It's hard to talk about, and everyone really wants us to talk about it. They want detailed accountings of every aspect. Some people want to know exactly what we knew and when so they can figure out who around him is most complicit. Some people want us to give them hard evidence, as if such a thing was even possible, or as if it would appropriate to give them in the first place. Some people randomly doubt all of this because nobody had Alec arrested, which shows a weird understanding of the reality of human relationships and abuse that I can only assume comes from experience of the world via online chatter and a list of how things should work. The idea that there's a foolproof system in place that can stop this, can riddle it out, can tell us exactly who is and isn't guilty, a system which can set all this right. But it doesn't work like that in real life. Some of the demand for more info stems from the idea that if something is put out in public then any interested party is owed as much information as they want to work out their own stance and to judge ours. But at least for us the only reason we're working this out in public is because we have to. It was out there, and we've had to respond to it. Like we have to tell you now. And it's been like stabbing myself in the stomach every day to have to type words like this. To sum up- this isn't some "guilty til proven innocent" or "social media mob" thing for us. There's years of real life context to this, involving lots of people who aren't even online or public about this, and the fact that some folks just found out about it this week doesn't mean it began there. It's just when it became public If I sound grouchy about that aspect of things, it's because all week I've felt awful about this and I've had more than enough people yelling at me that we've flippantly decided to ditch Alec, simply because they're clueless about the larger situation here and unable to accept that their vantage point on the thing is extremely limited. It wasn't just a callout post that made this happen. More people than us are destroyed about this situation this week. It isn't some "sjws vs gamers" war thing for us, no matter how many people online might make it that for themselves. We weren't duped by some grifter and then went on to suddenly dumpa long-time collaborator. We aren't trying to prove a point or appease a mob or show we're great. Whenever someone has praised me for Taking A Stand or whatever this week I just feel gross. None of this feels good. There isn't one good thing about this. I don't feel brave or honest. I just feel horrible A real life friend and coworker did some really bad s---, years ago and now, and all of us in the blast radius are just heartbroken. We've got a right to be angry, to make decisions, and to grieve. But that's the rest of the internet. Just about all of you we've been in touch with this week have been wonderful. And for that I can only say I'm beyond grateful. We've needed it. So here are some questions and answers: Did you fire Alec? No. Infinite Fall isn't a company, it's a name we adopted for our team. There's no salary to cut. There's no Infinite Fall bank account, not Infinite Fall HQ. Our merch operation is already something that just Bethany and myself do, aside from sales of the soundtrack digitally and on vinyl. It's more like a band broke up or something. Did you not-fire him over baseless allegations? No, it was a combination of a lot of things from several parties and our experiences going back years. It sucked. You just saw some of it on twitter, or on here. I hope l've been clear enough about that. Don't you know (whichever accuser) is a LIAR? Well I guess you'll be happy to know this is more complex than any one person's accusation. At this point it's a much larger thing. It sucks. I hate this. Does Alec get money from the game? Yes, from game sales and soundtrack sales. That's all we can say for now. We'll update you when and if thing change. But we're not like unilaterally cutting off Alec's revenue share or something. How can you work on NITW things just by yourselves? If you want to get all legalese about it, I have since the start owned the NITW IP. Our work with Alec was for the game. When people email us wanting to buy the rights to a movie or tv show (which has happened!) it's Bethany and I that say no. When Tom Delonge's business partner gets in touch wanting to make NITW merch for Hot Topic (which totally happened!) it's Bethany and I who say no but still tell the story whenever we get a chance. What did you each do on the game? We've gotten this question a lot this week, which I understand. Alec was coder, composer, and co-designer. I co-wrote the story with Bethany, who was also our researcher. Her hometown experiences in rural Central PA were a big part of the story, along with mine in the 20 years I've lived in Western PA along the Rt 22 corridor from Altoona right on to Pittsburgh. From that stuff sprung a lot of the world of Possum Springs. Additionally, I did art, character design, area design, wrote just about all of the dialogue, and co-designed the game with Alec. I can't code though so all credit Alec for making this monster of a thing work. Em Halberstadt was sound designer. Jon Manning worked on our dialogue tool Yarn Spinner and did some other crucial work since. I am probably forgetting some people. It's been a long day Can you remove Alec's work from the game? No! And we wouldn't if we could. Alec did amazing work, and we made something cool together. Whatever he did outside of the game, his work is his. We feel pretty strongly about that Can I get a refund due to all of this s---? No, it's been 6 years, game's been out for 2.5 of those years. What about the last backer rewards?? I'm finishing the book, it's cool. It's square! There's talk of a print version later? Really thinking about doing that, which would be exciting during any other week. Because of cutting ties with Alec we can't deliver the short backer game we were working on. This kills me. We were actually working with Albertine on that one too. Wren from our new studio as well, we were scheduled to get into concept work this week. Everyone is pretty depressed about that. That being said, we do have an epilogue in us, which is what the game was turning out to be. There's an excellent chance that will see the light of day in a different form. Why can't you just get someone else to do Alec's part on the backer game? Because it's Alec's too. Our design work together is basic to what these games are. And his music. We can't just hire some random person to fill that role. Nor do we want to. What form will the epilogue take instead? I don't know. We have some rad ideas. Like the book, they'd probably be exciting to me right now if not for this week. It'll be exciting again. Soon. Are updates still going to happen? Sure! At least until a lot of what's going on gets figured out and put to bed. What with that book and epilogue... thing... there's more to talk about How should I feel about Night In The Woods? We can't tell you how to feel about it. Or about any of this. Night In The Woods's story, characters, ideas, and world came from a very personal place for Bethany and I, and a lot of what's in the game is pulled pretty directly from our lives, from ourselves, and from the people we know. And this has connected with thousands and thousands of people. That's a good thing. That's one of the best things, to be honest. And you helped that happen. You can be happy about that. I'm happy about that. What you experience when you experience art is yours. Nothing can take that away. It's not owned by us. You may not care about any of this, and that's fine. This may have ruined the whole thing for you. You may be able to separate out the elements that other people worked on and still feel a connection to those. Whatever it is, that's valid. The game still means the world to us. It was a personal thing we never thought anyone would care about, and yet they did. I'm sad that one of our collaborators turned out to be so abusive, but life isn't always what you want it to be. I'm still very proud of what we made, and I hope it continues to connect with people for a long time to come. How did Alec do all of these things to multiple people over several years and it never went public? Well, most things that happen in the world don't get written about on the internet. So there's that. But also the nature of abuse is often such that each person feels like they're the only ones receiving the abuse at any given time, and when the abuse stops happening to them they can easily believe it stopped altogether, because most people aren't sitting around comparing abuse notes. And often when multiple people ARE being abused in some fashion, there are extenuating circumstances keeping the abuser from being held accountable- finances, a job, a living situation, fear of retaliation or personal loss, etc. And abuse can often just catch people off guard or wear people down to the point where they don't fight back in the ways that a Logical Outside Party might see as common sense. This is why there are abuse counselors and people who specialize in this, because this s--- is complicated in 1000 terrible ways and most abuse never gets made public in any setting. Often the abused will just feel ashamed. Or alone. Or helpless. Or straight up terrified and at risk. And a lot of times the abused will still really care about the abuser. Another thing that happens with a lot of abusers is they, consciously or not, farm out responsibility for their actions to someone else. So for example if an abuser threatens to kill themselves and places the responsibility for stopping that on someone else, a lot of people will do anything to help the abuser. It becomes your responsibility to fix the situation, your fault if it all goes wrong I have spent much of the past week fighting the urge that I am somehow, somehow, responsible for all of this. Beyond that, often people will know about the abuse and cover for the abuser, for a variety of reasons both understandable and downright evil. Whole networks of abusers cover each other's asses. Sometimes people profit off of the abuse of others. There are any number of reasons why so much awful s--- that people do to other people isn't visible until maybe someday it boils over and you suddenly find out that you and a dozen other people talk about the same person at therapy. Are you depressed? I am very depressed right now. What happens now? Things are still happening with this whole godawful situation. Regardless, Bethany and I will continue working on our NITW things I'll be back here with updates as things happen. Mostly right now we're just really torn up. We're angry, we're sad, we're worried about basically all parties involved, we mostly just need a nap. I'll be checking the comments here for the next few days but try to remember we're pretty rattled and raw right now. Thank you for understanding, and for your support over the years I'm going to be a dork and ask for your support now. thanks. <3, -scott

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Scott's Kickstarter Backer Statement on the Allegations Against Alec


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M Become a member Sign in Get started For Alec, Thoughts on Transformative Justice Eileen Mary Holowka Follow Oct 1: 11 min read CW: discussions of suicide, mental health, abuse For those of you who may have histories with suicidal thoughts, I have tried to make this as non-triggering as I can, but it does touch briefly on my brother's mindset in his last few days. Feel free to skip over this post if you need and please never hesitate to reach out to others for support. I've seen so many people pull through to the other side of depression and go on to live beautiful, complex lives. Im so sorry for anyone who feels alone right now. My heart goes out to you with love and care, always. Let me start by making something very clear: I do not support the harassment of anyone, ever. I imagine this post will be used and butchered and repeated as a means to harass people and make politically motivated statements. I ask that anyone inclined to do so carefully consider whether this story is actually yours to take up. What do your words offer the people left mourning and surviving? This is a question that has been spinning in my mind since the day that Alec died. Which parts of this nightmare are my story to tell and which aren't? Which parts of Alec's story is it ethical for me to reveal? If I had a preference, I would have these conversations in private, with loved ones, and far, far away from the dizzying polarities of Twitter. But this conversation is already public and so here I am. My hope is that I can use what I know to change this conversation into something productive and transformative. To be completely frank, I am terrified to post this. I'm scared that people will decide that my years of social media research, game dev work, feminist activism, and support of marginalized individuals will no longer matter. I am scared that I will lose even more than what I've already lost. I'm scared of how this article will be used against my best intentions. But I am also uncomfortable not saying anything, especially after hearing from others who feel like they've lost their voices over the last month. And so I offer up this statement as a plea towards transformative justice and care, going forward. For those who don't know the context, my brother, best friend, and collaborator Alec Holowka committed suicide on the morning of August 31st, 2019, following public accusations of abuse. I have known Alec since the day I was born. We were best friends, through all the worst and best times, and we confided everything to one another. I was always the person he would call to talk to when he was suicidal and, in the last few days of his life, we were phoning and texting constantly. We always understood each other in ways no one else quite got. When I told him about my idea for #ProjectPotato (The Last Winter, as it was going to be called) he understood it instantly. It's hard to imagine another person who would run with those dreams so willingly. One part of me hopes that someday we can finish this project in his honour. Another feels like it would be unfair for it to live on without him. I don't know the details of every moment of Alec's relationships and I am not going to pretend to. I do, however, know much more than might be expected. Alec and I talked about our relationships constantly and, in the days before he died, I was one of the few people helping him write a public statement. Despite the fact that I know some of the more intimate details of these specific relationships and his planned response, I don't think it will do anyone any good to dwell on these specifics publicly. I'm torn between wanting to stay quiet to prevent causing further harm and also wanting to represent Alec's missing voice. What I will say is this: Alec was a victim of abuse that he could not talk about publicly. I believed him when he told me about his experiences and I still do. I also knew Alec to be emotionally abusive. Later in life, he acknowledged this toxic behaviour in his relationships and worked to amend it, as well as to take responsibility for the harm he'd caused. That was all part of the intensive therapy he went through during the production of Night in the Woods, where he was also coping with his own PTSD. If we want to believe survivors, it means that we need to also believe Alec. In trying to formulate a statement in the last few days of his life, Alec was being told that he shouldn't say his perspective publicly, that no one would believe him. He wanted to publicly apologize and take responsibility for the things that he had done, but not for the things he hadn't. There were a number of stories posted over the last month detailing different abusive relationships with Alec. I know that there are likely even more that were not posted. These stories are all true in their own ways, even if they don't always correspond with what was true for Alec. I am not interested in hashing out those details here. This is not a trial, even if punishment follows in the trails of these words, against our best wishes. What seems much more important to me in this moment is what we mean when we say "I believe survivors" and what we choose to do when we are confronted with a narrative of abuse. These narratives deserve care and attention and love, but not immediate action. We can acknowledge, support, and believe survivors without needing to try and 'solve' a situation immediately. In fact, it is likely that more productive solutions will come out of taking consideration, time, and care. Let me be clear: I understand all too well why victims of abuse take to public platforms. I know firsthand how broken the legal system can be. It has failed us in so many ways and we're scrambling to find an alternative. That said, this current system is also deeply broken, because it is not a system at all. There are no rules here, no guidelines, and no accountability. There are no processes for rehabilitation. Although public statements can be very important for empowering those who would otherwise not have had a voice, there are also so many who go missing in these outcries and even more who cannot speak publicly because they will face punishments of further abuse. I would suggest that we begin talking and thinking about how we want to react and respond to public statements as a community and what we aim to achieve through our own shared responses. I was grateful to find this article by Kai Cheng Thom on transformative justice where she describes how we can hold people accountable without also creating more harm. As she writes, "[w]ithout integrity, ethics, good boundaries and a clear plan of action, an accountability process runs the risk of becoming abusive." Although Thom is speaking more about smaller, private communities than public ones, the arguments in this article are still significant to our current situation. Thom is not suggesting that people who speak out about their abuse need to have a plan or solution along with their statement – they deserve to take the space they need – but it does mean that, as a community, we need to make room for actual change to take place in the wake of these accusations. The thing that will continue to break my heart is that Alec was already working on becoming a better person. The last few years with him were very different. He had not been at risk of suicide for years. He had been fighting, extremely hard, to heal both himself and others. He had a new relationship and was blossoming. (She stayed with him until the very end because the person she saw in front of her was good, kind, and deserving of support.) He made mindful efforts to apologize to the people he had hurt over the years. Some accepted and some didn't (and he respected those boundaries). He apologized to me for times he'd caused me harm, and I accepted. He apologized again, to make sure, and from then on I never worried about being hurt by him again. To say he took no steps to get better is to write over a lifetime of change and hard work. It is also doing a great disservice to anyone suffering from mental health disorders. I think of Mae in Night in the Woods and how much players support her, understand her, and empathize with her, while also acknowledging that she can be pretty s-----. I want the complexities we afford Mae to follow us into real life. I want us to be able to be hurt and to mourn and to take care all at the same time, even if these feelings don't always line up. I was surprised not to see any of that nuance and care coming from many of the game devs I once admired, not even the ones who have made games about mental health. The whole response to Alec's death was a shock to me. The day he died, I had to write a post announcing it. I didn't have a choice, I needed to get it out before the grief hit. Since then, I have been continually harassed. I have been criticized for being both not supportive enough of Alec and also not critical enough. I should have tossed him aside and also done more to save him. One or the other but nothing in-between. These responses, however, were mostly easy to ignore. I expected the trolls. It was the responses from people I felt close to and looked up to that hurt the most. The ones who pretended nothing had happened, who wrote long articles days later, who tried to wrap bows around the narrative to fit it into a specific box, who I thought were socially aware but realized were just very good at storytelling. Those hurt the most, even when they had very worthy goals, because I saw how they were perpetuating more harm and silencing even more survivors. We all have a right to our feelings, but when those feelings become public narratives, they gain a kind of power. They become the Truth and, in this case, that Truth wrote over an entire lifetime of work and nuance. To quote Alice Woolley, "when we have the power to judge, and our judgements have consequences, what do we owe one another?" We need to be careful about how we use our narratives, especially when we have large followings and a lot of influence. Over these last few weeks, I've talked to numerous people, particularly women, people with mental health issues, and other marginalized folks, who no longer feel comfortable working in games after seeing the kinds of posts being made in response to Alec's death. I want us to use this moment to move towards a space of mutual understanding, healing, care, and change. To do that, we need to write more nuanced, caring stories. Alec was a beautiful, complex, queer, and wonderfully neurodivergent person. He didn't always understand other people and sometimes the things he did out of confusion could come across as critical or rude. He often needed to be told things very directly and I know not ever yone had the capacity to do that. I didn't for years. Sometimes he actively hurt people. But Alec also cared about people in ways I've rarely seen with anyone else and he was able to funnel that care into pure, emotional wonder: like the songs he wrote for his friends' weddings and our Baba's funeral; his attention to the pain of others and his ability to represent and care for it in his work; or how he could stay up all night having deep empathetic conversations with people in distress and never experience empathy fatigue. Games were everything to Alec. Since he was a kid, he was always making things. He didn’t know how to do anything else. Games were how he communicated. He committed so deeply to this dream that he lived off cereal and odd contract jobs for years while making Aquaria. At the end, he didn't think he would make things ever again and that was the worst nightmare imaginable for him. He didn't know what else he could do. I don't say this because I think it is necessarily the right way to go about living or a healthy mentality to have. Only to say that this is where he was at. He couldn't see any other ending. Here's what I know: Alec's suicide was not an attack against anyone. It was not done to prove a point. I wish I didn't know this, but I do, and it will haunt me forever. People have told me recently that they are angry at Alec, but it is impossible for me to be angry, having been in such close contact with him in his last few days. He was so concerned about everyone around him, how they would be hurt by this, and how he could fix it all. Despite what we tried to tell him, he didn't see a way. Alec's suicide was his decision entirely. It is not helpful to point fingers, we've seen the harm that that can cause. But it would also be a mistake not to use this moment as a chance to reconsider how we want to deal with situations like these in the future. I say this as someone who identifies as both a survivor of abuse anda person with mental health conditions, as well as someone who would have likely also been critical of this kind of statement before experiencing all of these nuances firsthand. The days before Alec died, he was doing nothing except trying to find a way to live. We were working on a statement, something that was true for him, but that would also be believed and accepted. That seemed an impossible line to tow. It still is. People felt pressured to respond on Twitter, so they did. They didn't hear responses from Alec and they took that personally. Those things were not personal, he just wasn't even there yet. We knew a rash statement wouldn't help anyone, but it turned out that not saying anything immediately only made people react faster. I am so glad I got those healthy years with my brother. It was like being a kid again, where anything was possible, as though we were still sitting on my bedroom floor making up stories and TV shows about my stuffed toys. We were collaborating on a game; he was spoiling my parents, apologizing over and over for the years they had spent worrying about him; he was promoting marginalized games creators and publicly discussing LGBTQ+ rights and mental health issues; he was sober, calm, and loving. I know it wasn't always this happy and I understand how hard it can be to support people who have been abusive or who have mental health issues. Sometimes you need to set boundaries. Sometimes you need to cut ties. I don't want to claim otherwise and I don't blame anyone who needed that space from Alec. But, when we have the capacity, we need to begin having conversations about how we can make space to care about both victims of abuse and people with mental health issues who have been abusive, especially when these categories so often cross over. We need to learn to inhabit these complexities if we hope to survive in such a complex world. After years of researching and writing about social media, chronic illnesses, and trauma narratives, I'm suddenly overwhelmed by how little I know and how wrong it would be to pretend to know more than I do. Everything happened faster than it needed to. That's how Twitter works. I wish I could slow down that time or reverse it, but I can't. My brother, my best friend, is dead. He worked so hard to survive and improve on himself and then he was gone, written over. I woke up and texted him an hour too late for him to see. And now all that I have left to do is to write. How terribly insufficient that feels. RAINN Sexual Assault Hotline: https://rainn.org/about-national-sexual- assault-telephone-hotline? ga=2.35874979.228180917.1569443014- 1017925707.1569443014 Suicide Prevention Lifeline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org Mental Health Alec Holowka Transformative Justice Social Media Indie Game 1K claps WRITTEN BY Eileen Mary Holowka Follow phd student, writer, feminist, game dev. lives with a gecko, cat, & endometriosis. researching online chronic pain life writing. Make Medium yours Discover Medium Become a member Follow all the topics you care about, and we'll deliver the Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium – and Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no support writers while you're at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade ads in sight. Watch Medium About Help Legal
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Uploaded Aug 31, 2019 at 04:04AM EDT

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Alec Holowka Sexual Abuse Allegations

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