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M Become a member Sign in Get started For Alec, Thoughts on Transformative Justice Eileen Mary Holowka Follow Oct 1: 11 min read CW: discussions of suicide, mental health, abuse For those of you who may have histories with suicidal thoughts, I have tried to make this as non-triggering as I can, but it does touch briefly on my brother's mindset in his last few days. Feel free to skip over this post if you need and please never hesitate to reach out to others for support. I've seen so many people pull through to the other side of depression and go on to live beautiful, complex lives. Im so sorry for anyone who feels alone right now. My heart goes out to you with love and care, always. Let me start by making something very clear: I do not support the harassment of anyone, ever. I imagine this post will be used and butchered and repeated as a means to harass people and make politically motivated statements. I ask that anyone inclined to do so carefully consider whether this story is actually yours to take up. What do your words offer the people left mourning and surviving? This is a question that has been spinning in my mind since the day that Alec died. Which parts of this nightmare are my story to tell and which aren't? Which parts of Alec's story is it ethical for me to reveal? If I had a preference, I would have these conversations in private, with loved ones, and far, far away from the dizzying polarities of Twitter. But this conversation is already public and so here I am. My hope is that I can use what I know to change this conversation into something productive and transformative. To be completely frank, I am terrified to post this. I'm scared that people will decide that my years of social media research, game dev work, feminist activism, and support of marginalized individuals will no longer matter. I am scared that I will lose even more than what I've already lost. I'm scared of how this article will be used against my best intentions. But I am also uncomfortable not saying anything, especially after hearing from others who feel like they've lost their voices over the last month. And so I offer up this statement as a plea towards transformative justice and care, going forward. For those who don't know the context, my brother, best friend, and collaborator Alec Holowka committed suicide on the morning of August 31st, 2019, following public accusations of abuse. I have known Alec since the day I was born. We were best friends, through all the worst and best times, and we confided everything to one another. I was always the person he would call to talk to when he was suicidal and, in the last few days of his life, we were phoning and texting constantly. We always understood each other in ways no one else quite got. When I told him about my idea for #ProjectPotato (The Last Winter, as it was going to be called) he understood it instantly. It's hard to imagine another person who would run with those dreams so willingly. One part of me hopes that someday we can finish this project in his honour. Another feels like it would be unfair for it to live on without him. I don't know the details of every moment of Alec's relationships and I am not going to pretend to. I do, however, know much more than might be expected. Alec and I talked about our relationships constantly and, in the days before he died, I was one of the few people helping him write a public statement. Despite the fact that I know some of the more intimate details of these specific relationships and his planned response, I don't think it will do anyone any good to dwell on these specifics publicly. I'm torn between wanting to stay quiet to prevent causing further harm and also wanting to represent Alec's missing voice. What I will say is this: Alec was a victim of abuse that he could not talk about publicly. I believed him when he told me about his experiences and I still do. I also knew Alec to be emotionally abusive. Later in life, he acknowledged this toxic behaviour in his relationships and worked to amend it, as well as to take responsibility for the harm he'd caused. That was all part of the intensive therapy he went through during the production of Night in the Woods, where he was also coping with his own PTSD. If we want to believe survivors, it means that we need to also believe Alec. In trying to formulate a statement in the last few days of his life, Alec was being told that he shouldn't say his perspective publicly, that no one would believe him. He wanted to publicly apologize and take responsibility for the things that he had done, but not for the things he hadn't. There were a number of stories posted over the last month detailing different abusive relationships with Alec. I know that there are likely even more that were not posted. These stories are all true in their own ways, even if they don't always correspond with what was true for Alec. I am not interested in hashing out those details here. This is not a trial, even if punishment follows in the trails of these words, against our best wishes. What seems much more important to me in this moment is what we mean when we say "I believe survivors" and what we choose to do when we are confronted with a narrative of abuse. These narratives deserve care and attention and love, but not immediate action. We can acknowledge, support, and believe survivors without needing to try and 'solve' a situation immediately. In fact, it is likely that more productive solutions will come out of taking consideration, time, and care. Let me be clear: I understand all too well why victims of abuse take to public platforms. I know firsthand how broken the legal system can be. It has failed us in so many ways and we're scrambling to find an alternative. That said, this current system is also deeply broken, because it is not a system at all. There are no rules here, no guidelines, and no accountability. There are no processes for rehabilitation. Although public statements can be very important for empowering those who would otherwise not have had a voice, there are also so many who go missing in these outcries and even more who cannot speak publicly because they will face punishments of further abuse. I would suggest that we begin talking and thinking about how we want to react and respond to public statements as a community and what we aim to achieve through our own shared responses. I was grateful to find this article by Kai Cheng Thom on transformative justice where she describes how we can hold people accountable without also creating more harm. As she writes, "[w]ithout integrity, ethics, good boundaries and a clear plan of action, an accountability process runs the risk of becoming abusive." Although Thom is speaking more about smaller, private communities than public ones, the arguments in this article are still significant to our current situation. Thom is not suggesting that people who speak out about their abuse need to have a plan or solution along with their statement – they deserve to take the space they need – but it does mean that, as a community, we need to make room for actual change to take place in the wake of these accusations. The thing that will continue to break my heart is that Alec was already working on becoming a better person. The last few years with him were very different. He had not been at risk of suicide for years. He had been fighting, extremely hard, to heal both himself and others. He had a new relationship and was blossoming. (She stayed with him until the very end because the person she saw in front of her was good, kind, and deserving of support.) He made mindful efforts to apologize to the people he had hurt over the years. Some accepted and some didn't (and he respected those boundaries). He apologized to me for times he'd caused me harm, and I accepted. He apologized again, to make sure, and from then on I never worried about being hurt by him again. To say he took no steps to get better is to write over a lifetime of change and hard work. It is also doing a great disservice to anyone suffering from mental health disorders. I think of Mae in Night in the Woods and how much players support her, understand her, and empathize with her, while also acknowledging that she can be pretty s-----. I want the complexities we afford Mae to follow us into real life. I want us to be able to be hurt and to mourn and to take care all at the same time, even if these feelings don't always line up. I was surprised not to see any of that nuance and care coming from many of the game devs I once admired, not even the ones who have made games about mental health. The whole response to Alec's death was a shock to me. The day he died, I had to write a post announcing it. I didn't have a choice, I needed to get it out before the grief hit. Since then, I have been continually harassed. I have been criticized for being both not supportive enough of Alec and also not critical enough. I should have tossed him aside and also done more to save him. One or the other but nothing in-between. These responses, however, were mostly easy to ignore. I expected the trolls. It was the responses from people I felt close to and looked up to that hurt the most. The ones who pretended nothing had happened, who wrote long articles days later, who tried to wrap bows around the narrative to fit it into a specific box, who I thought were socially aware but realized were just very good at storytelling. Those hurt the most, even when they had very worthy goals, because I saw how they were perpetuating more harm and silencing even more survivors. We all have a right to our feelings, but when those feelings become public narratives, they gain a kind of power. They become the Truth and, in this case, that Truth wrote over an entire lifetime of work and nuance. To quote Alice Woolley, "when we have the power to judge, and our judgements have consequences, what do we owe one another?" We need to be careful about how we use our narratives, especially when we have large followings and a lot of influence. Over these last few weeks, I've talked to numerous people, particularly women, people with mental health issues, and other marginalized folks, who no longer feel comfortable working in games after seeing the kinds of posts being made in response to Alec's death. I want us to use this moment to move towards a space of mutual understanding, healing, care, and change. To do that, we need to write more nuanced, caring stories. Alec was a beautiful, complex, queer, and wonderfully neurodivergent person. He didn't always understand other people and sometimes the things he did out of confusion could come across as critical or rude. He often needed to be told things very directly and I know not ever yone had the capacity to do that. I didn't for years. Sometimes he actively hurt people. But Alec also cared about people in ways I've rarely seen with anyone else and he was able to funnel that care into pure, emotional wonder: like the songs he wrote for his friends' weddings and our Baba's funeral; his attention to the pain of others and his ability to represent and care for it in his work; or how he could stay up all night having deep empathetic conversations with people in distress and never experience empathy fatigue. Games were everything to Alec. Since he was a kid, he was always making things. He didn’t know how to do anything else. Games were how he communicated. He committed so deeply to this dream that he lived off cereal and odd contract jobs for years while making Aquaria. At the end, he didn't think he would make things ever again and that was the worst nightmare imaginable for him. He didn't know what else he could do. I don't say this because I think it is necessarily the right way to go about living or a healthy mentality to have. Only to say that this is where he was at. He couldn't see any other ending. Here's what I know: Alec's suicide was not an attack against anyone. It was not done to prove a point. I wish I didn't know this, but I do, and it will haunt me forever. People have told me recently that they are angry at Alec, but it is impossible for me to be angry, having been in such close contact with him in his last few days. He was so concerned about everyone around him, how they would be hurt by this, and how he could fix it all. Despite what we tried to tell him, he didn't see a way. Alec's suicide was his decision entirely. It is not helpful to point fingers, we've seen the harm that that can cause. But it would also be a mistake not to use this moment as a chance to reconsider how we want to deal with situations like these in the future. I say this as someone who identifies as both a survivor of abuse anda person with mental health conditions, as well as someone who would have likely also been critical of this kind of statement before experiencing all of these nuances firsthand. The days before Alec died, he was doing nothing except trying to find a way to live. We were working on a statement, something that was true for him, but that would also be believed and accepted. That seemed an impossible line to tow. It still is. People felt pressured to respond on Twitter, so they did. They didn't hear responses from Alec and they took that personally. Those things were not personal, he just wasn't even there yet. We knew a rash statement wouldn't help anyone, but it turned out that not saying anything immediately only made people react faster. I am so glad I got those healthy years with my brother. It was like being a kid again, where anything was possible, as though we were still sitting on my bedroom floor making up stories and TV shows about my stuffed toys. We were collaborating on a game; he was spoiling my parents, apologizing over and over for the years they had spent worrying about him; he was promoting marginalized games creators and publicly discussing LGBTQ+ rights and mental health issues; he was sober, calm, and loving. I know it wasn't always this happy and I understand how hard it can be to support people who have been abusive or who have mental health issues. Sometimes you need to set boundaries. Sometimes you need to cut ties. I don't want to claim otherwise and I don't blame anyone who needed that space from Alec. But, when we have the capacity, we need to begin having conversations about how we can make space to care about both victims of abuse and people with mental health issues who have been abusive, especially when these categories so often cross over. We need to learn to inhabit these complexities if we hope to survive in such a complex world. After years of researching and writing about social media, chronic illnesses, and trauma narratives, I'm suddenly overwhelmed by how little I know and how wrong it would be to pretend to know more than I do. Everything happened faster than it needed to. That's how Twitter works. I wish I could slow down that time or reverse it, but I can't. My brother, my best friend, is dead. He worked so hard to survive and improve on himself and then he was gone, written over. I woke up and texted him an hour too late for him to see. And now all that I have left to do is to write. How terribly insufficient that feels. RAINN Sexual Assault Hotline: https://rainn.org/about-national-sexual- assault-telephone-hotline? ga=2.35874979.228180917.1569443014- 1017925707.1569443014 Suicide Prevention Lifeline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org Mental Health Alec Holowka Transformative Justice Social Media Indie Game 1K claps WRITTEN BY Eileen Mary Holowka Follow phd student, writer, feminist, game dev. lives with a gecko, cat, & endometriosis. researching online chronic pain life writing. Make Medium yours Discover Medium Become a member Follow all the topics you care about, and we'll deliver the Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium – and Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no support writers while you're at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade ads in sight. Watch Medium About Help Legal

official-mugi Oh f---. Zoe Quinn accused the creator in Night in the Woods of sexual harassment so she could get back in the public eye and he killed himself official-mugi And cue resetera calling him a coward for killing himself cowardy insead of warking towards forgvness he has jat made everyone he hurt ves mach warse, not to maron the lives of the people who lved him official-mugi <#434 8 minutes ago manchego obfuscator sald: He deserved a chance, yes, aftersome time had passed and ifthe people he wronged chose to forgive him. You can't seriously claim that he was denied that chance when he was only outed as an abuser for the first time less than a week ago. Quantza Member whether you realize it or not, this is tantamount to saying that those who came forward should have kept their mouths shut and left it to whisper networks The issue is that something otherwise harmless (the emotion and language directed at him in response to his actions) ended up killing him. People need learn explanation/nuance, or nothing will change. educate those that they hate, with varying degrees of Remember, the word and emotions directed at you are harmless. official-mugi 11 minutes ago #845 There are many deaths that I'm prepared to celebrate, but this isn't one of them. Huge tragedy all around. For Zoe, for Alec and for all their family and friends. I want victims to speak up, I want the victims to be supported, I want the abusers to assume responsibility for what they've done, but I don't want things to end like this. This is just yet another terrible thing that the people around both victim and abuser will have to carry with them for the rest of their lives, and nothing has gotten better because of it. hjort Member Rational people over at resetera official-mugi 38 minutes ago 957 dehydratedbables sald: This is the second thread in recent memory on this forum with pages of people calling someone a p------------" and then days later that "p------------ commits suicide. Snowybreak Stop acting surprised when people kill themselves after being told they're an irredeemable p------------. There are plenty of people who have done s--- like this, and who have been called out on it who are still alive. This whole situation is f------ tragic, but condemning people for passing judgment on someone based on the actions they had committed is f------ idiotic. Wrote this up when you were not banned, but held off on posting it because I'm terrible about immediate responses. Now that you are banned, I have no reservations about my response. Unironically trying to justify his suicide in the name social justice judgingeternity This is after all the site that got trickle down of stupid from NeoGaf after a major admin was outed for sex crimes or some s---. Everyone there is a vaguely functional moron in a filtered bubble of their own stupidity. judgingeternity This is after all the site that got trickle down of stupid from NeoGaf after a major admin was outed for sex crimes or some s---. Everyone there is a vaguely functional moron in a filtered bubble of their own stupidity. siryouarebeingmocked I like how unproven accusations and attacks made to ruin his rep are "otherwise harmless" and assumed true. Also, notice how Snowy talks about people "passing judgement" and not the actual actions they took as a result of that judgement. Deflect, downplay, deny. Standard ideologue tactics. @gamergate-news, you seeing this? phantom-thief-of-hearts The more I see of this the more pure fury I feel towards everyone who had a part in this.

finite ammo 15 févr. 2013 Can't wait for Pathological Liar 5 ti5 Inite_ammo 15 févr. 2013 an't wait for Pathological Liar quest te_ammo @S0phieH You alre ammo @S0phieH You alrea x infinite_ammo mmo hieH I Culture EXCLUSIVE: Alec Holowka's private messages reveal Zoe Quinn's abuse PM. Anna Slatz and Diana Davison, 15 hours ago 3 min read On August 31st, 2019, game developer Alec Holowka committed suicide following abuse accusations by fellow indie developer Zoe Quinn, and his subsequent removal from the Night in the Woods development team. Utilizing resurfaced tweets and audio, The Post Millennial released a comprehensive rebuttal of Quinn's statement detailing the abuse Quinn alleged suffering while living with Holowka in 2012. The article, released on September 8th, outlined a number of discrepancies and outright fabrications present in Quinn's August 28th statement. Likely as a result, The Post Millennial was subjected to a DD0S attack which attempted to shut down access to our site. Since the publication of the article, more information has surfaced to contradict the statement many speculate may have led Holowka to take his life. Speaking to The Post Millennial anonymously due to fears of backlash, a fellow developer of Holowka's has provided dozens of messages exchanged in 2014, with Holowka speaking about his experience with Quinn. The authenticity of these messages have been verified. Holowka had reached out to express fear about telling his story, saying "I've been trying to talk to friends about it for a couple of years." He wrote, "I thought about sharing my story with her a few times but was always scared to." to friends about it for a couple of years." He wrote, "I thought about sharing my story with her a few times but was always scared to." Alex @infinite_ammo It's interesting I've been trying to talk to friends about it for a couple years Aug 18, 2014, 1:13 PM If talking about her doing this being terrible ruins my career, I don't want a career in this industry. Aug 18, 2014, 1:13 PM Yeah I'm really confused by the people who are angry about this being shared Aug 18, 2014, 1:13 PM Wonder what dude thought before sharing it Aug 18, 2014, 1:15 PM I thought about sharing my story with her a few times but was always scared to Aug 18, 2014, 1:16 PM I think he was completely emotionally wrecked and angry, but it doesn't change what she did imo Your story would give credence to his, but it is a risky move so i totally understand. Aug 18, 2014, 1:17 PM There's so much backlash if you go into that area Yeah I mean long before he posted this She said she got into social justice for revenge which is weird to me. Aug 18, 2014, 1:36 PM Another time we went out to this Yuri's night thing, she just got wasted and was hitting on all kinds of people is was super new to me like.... people i was in a relationship with being super flirty with other people? i was trying to not be judgemental she kept going to the bathroom and saying a girl there was hitting on her, and after like 3-4 times... i was like... you wanna just make out with her? cause if you really want to, go for it... and she did this whole "no i only want to be with you blah blah" and then kept going back to the bathroom later she had a huge breakdown about how everyone hits on her and its so unfair and evil etc and i really wanted to say like "maybe don't.. be as flirty? then..." but i knew that would be something she would freak out over so instead i said "maybe there's something we can do together to avoid this situations" and she freaked out at me anyways got really angry at me, said i was discounting her personal experience in no way was i doing that...i was quite open to listening to and trying to understand her personal experience Aug 18, 2014, 1:39 PM God, like there are genuine instances of "victim blaming" telling someone dont put out signals if you dont want to get hit on isnt one Aug 18, 2014, 1:39 PM So when we first started being in a thing, she came to Winnipeg (was living there at the time) Aug 18, 2014, 1:33 PM She's always in a bad situation, something bad always happened, etc Aug 18, 2014, 1:33 PM right off the bat I was like... so in love with her and so happy with the relationship that i suggested we go to couple's counselling as like a "hey this is really great, let's keep it that way by having an neutral third party around to talk about stuff" and i offered to pay for it and whatever cause i knew she was broke her response to that was "Welll if YOU think YOU need that and i was like... "n-no... this would be.. for both of us... to talk about whatever is going on" "well if YOU think YOU need to do that" Buuut this is a clear case where I know people aren't really looking at it in detail Cause I was there in a very similar situation and it's like... yeah she's got serious issues and should be working on them if she wants respect Like if you don't own your own s---... It's not easy to own your own s---! But that would be an amazing step she could take Aug 18, 2014, 1:33 PM The thing is, no matter where she goes, abuse follows her. She is always the victim never the perpetrator and that's suspicious at best Aug 18, 2014, 1:33 PM So far I've only seen her run into other messed up situations Sophie H, Dice Bitch @SOphieH 15 févr. 2013 to every non-depressed person: play it. I'm not giving you the option. you play it and you learn something, OK? :) depressionquest.com 3 t 5 13 Alex @infinite_ammo 15 févr. 2013 @SOphieH Can't wait for Pathological Liar quest 3 HE E E 15 févr. 2013 @infinite_ammo @SOphieH You already played that Alec, coop mode. 1 Alex @infinite_ammo En réponse à @SOphieH I got game over pretty early, but from what I hear the game gets even worse if you keep playing. 1:06 AM 15 févr. 2013 Twitter Web Client 15 févr. 2013 En réponse à @infinite_ammo @infinite_ammo @sOphieh yup. Especially when you believe the lies. It's sick that MRA types latch onto this stuff and use it as more sexism fuel Yeah, but it's being perceived by feminists one way and MRA douchebags another way Aug 18, 2014, 1:31 PM I already get accused of being a "Secret feminist" when I am like "no wait that's a bit too far there bros" Aug 18, 2014, 1:31 PM Like both parties are just taking what they need to validate their positions Aug 18, 2014, 1:31 PM I hate polarized groups so much Aug 18, 2014, 1:31 PM I think people like Zoe are unfortunately going to create more sexism. Women are going to be seen as liabilities more and more. Aug 18, 2014, 1:30 PM I don't know, it's clearly not because she's a woman, it's because she's a s----- person. Aug 18, 2014, 1:30 PM

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Overview

Alec Holowka Sexual Abuse Allegations refer to allegations made against Night In the Woods and Towerfall creator Alec Holowka by Zoe Quinn, who alleged Holowka sexually and mentally abused her during their relationship together.

Background

On August 26th, 2019, Zoe Quinn posted two tweets alleging abuse against Alec Holowka, video game creator and founder of independent game companies Bit Blot, Infinite Ammo, and Infinite Fall (full text of allegations shown below).^[1]^[2] Quinn alleged Holowka invited her out to Winnipeg, Canada after Quinn was assaulted by another, unnamed person in the games industry. She states Holowka originally agreed to pay for her flight home but did not do so once she arrived in Winnipeg. A relationship began between the two and Holowka would blame Quinn for her assault. One passage from the allegations reads:

“While I was in Winnipeg he slowly isolated me from everyone else in my life while degrading me whenever we were alone. He convinced me to talk the 3 friends out of getting a shared place with me there. He convinced me to let him program my game instead of the friend I had been working with, despite many protests. He screamed at me for over an hour once because of the tone in my voice when I said hello. He wouldn’t let me leave the apartment without him and refused to give me the code to get in.”

She also alleged that Holowka "jammed his fingers inside" her and walked her around by them. She stated she was inspired to come forward after Nathalie Lawhead’s rape allegation against game composer Jeremy Soule.

9:14 Notes August 26, 2019 at 9:13 PM I want to say upfront that I'm not saying this for anyone but me and the other people that I know have been hurt by him, and might in the future be hurt. I read Nathalie Lawhead's post about her r----- being an industry legend who took advantage of her and poisoned her career and it shook me to my core. Her waning health her fear, the way she described all of it feeling like drowning... and my heart broke for her. Beyond that, I felt *ashamed. So many of the little details, down to the timing, had been things I've gone through too, just a few months into my time as an indie game developer. And it's haunted me ever since. It's why I don't go to GDC anymore. I'm drowning too. A few months into making games, I was sexually assaulted. My visa status was threatened if I told anyone, and he went out of his way to tell the community that I'd been falsely accusing him of r--- when I hadn't said anything to anyone (but a third party who saw it happen firsthand confronted him about it the next day). This story isn't about him - after years of therapy and working on himself, he reached out and apologized for everything, and I've forgiven him. But that's the background to this story.

9:19 Notes August 26, 2019 at 9:19 PM One month after the assault, I wanted to leave Toronto. I was scared, I couldn't sleep, and I almost killed myself over it. I had a suicide note and everything ready to go but I just didn't want to do that to my roommate. Enter Alec Holowka. Yeah, the one from Aquaria and Night in the Woods. He was one person who I felt like, in my newly chosen field, had my back. He talked about how great and cheap Winnipeg was and we flirted and talked on skype for hours. He knew I was in an incredibly vulnerable place and he asked me to come visit him in Winnipeg to see if I'd want to start an indie house there with the 3 friends I'd been talking about the idea with, and to see if the thing between us was as cool as it seemed at a distance. Two weeks. I'd buy the plane ticket there, he'd buy my plane ticket back. He knew i couldn't afford it otherwise so that was the deal I wouldn't get home for a month, and only then it was because my roommate used his miles to get me out of his apartment that he had physically confined me to.

9:23 Notes While I was in Winnipeg he slowly isolated me from everyone else in my life while absolutely degrading me whenever we were alone. He convinced me to talk the 3 friends out of getting a shared place with me there. He convinced me to let him program my game instead of the friend I had been working with, despite many protests. He screamed at me for over an hour once because of the tone in my voice when I said hello. He wouldn't let me leave the apartment without him and refused to give me the code to get in. About the sexual assault, he blamed me. He said he was jealous of me, to be wanted like that. He'd bring it up during sex, where he'd regularly be mean and violent. He told me he loved me, in a way no one else would, because he could see that I was terrible and he loved me anyway. And I bought it, because that's how you feel when you're recovering from being sexually assaulted. I spent a lot of that month hiding from him in the bathroom. His moods would shift and he'd throw things and hurt himself seemingly at random and blame me. He'd jam his fingers inside me and walk me around the house by them when I told him it hurt.

9:35 Notes I was scared to leave. I was scared to tell anyone. He'd act normal when other people were around and lay into me as soon as we were alone, then apologize and say how much he needed and loved me. I got even more scared when the two weeks had passed and he kept putting off the agreed plane ticket home. I spent a lot of that time hiding in the bathroom from him. My roommate started to get scared and asked me if I needed help getting out. I said yes, and Alec barely looked at me as I left. When I got home, I sent a cordial and friendly break up email. He lashed out and banned me from an indie games community he ran, banned himself, then went to other industry legends asking them to help him kill himself because I was such a bitch. He made sure to blacklist me at important industry events. He tried to ruin the career l'd barely started. To a degree it worked. The night GG started I vaguebooked about it without specifying which ex and two other women in games immediately messaged me to ask if it was Alec. He'd done similar things to them. They knew he'd been fixated on me and were also too afraid to speak up about an industry legend.

9:39 Notes August 26, 2019 at 9:39 PM It's been the better part of a decade and I'm still afraid of him. Too afraid to speak out, especially because I've gone through so much publicly, like people will just roll their eyes and ignore me as if there's some karmic limit on how much bad s--- can happen to someone before people stop listening. I'm afraid that people will care more about their love of Night in the Woods than they will about the safety and truths of women and non-binary people in games. I'm still afraid of him. I'm afraid of telling anyone about him. I'm afraid of how many indies have seen this behavior and given him a pass. I'm afraid of being in the same room as him because I'm afraid he'll hurt me again. I'm afraid of all the developers who watched this happen, and watched him scream abuse at another woman out front of Moscone during GDC. But being silent for years has been worse than the fear. I skipped the last 2 GDCS because l couldn't risk being around him or seeing everyone clap for him on stage. Especially not people who know.

9:45 Notes August 26, 2019 at 9:45 PM I don't wish any ill will on anyone. I know Alec is likely not well and I will always believe in rehabilitation over punishment. I don't want anything bad to come of this to his collaborators who may not know any of this. But I've watched enough of the big names in the indie community know about him so much so that the reaction to his first meltdown about me was "oh well that's Alec what can you do" - and I've seen enough to know nothings going to happen about this particular broken stair unless someone says something. But we're all scared. I'm scared. A big childish part of me has been hoping people would somehow start caring or figure it out on their own. But feeling like a coward in the face of Nathalie's strength, feeling like I have to hide from my own life because it's not safe and I can't tell anyone *why* I'm hiding, of knowing l wasn't the first or last, of drowning, that's too much for me to keep carrying with me. I just want the other boot to drop so I can breathe again. I don't want another new dev to get hurt and hear the same "oh that's just how he is" after the fact that I did. I want to breathe again.

Developments

Reaction on Twitter was divided, as some users voiced their support and belief in Quinn's allegations while others doubted her credibility after her actions in the #Gamergate controversy. Ian Miles Cheong^[3] tweeted schadenfreude at a male feminist being accused of rape, gaining over 260 retweets and 1,100 likes (shown below, left). User @SidAlpha^[4] tweeted that they believed Quinn was attempting to draw publicity towards herself for financial reasons (shown below, right).

lan Miles Cheong @stillgray The creator of the woke video game Night in the Woods, a supremely woke male feminist named Alec Holowka, was just accused of multiple rapes and sexual assaults days since last male feminist accused of sexual misconduct 0 00 0

SidAlpha @SidAlpha If true: really s-----. This is Zoe Quinn, though. I have little doubt she is only mentioning this NOW in order to try to formulate some sort of relevancy to once again ply her trade as a professional victim. In short, she's probably broke so now she decided to trot this out GR Game Rant @GameRant 4h Zoe Quinn has accused Night in the Woods dev Alec Holowka of abuse buff.ly/2HHB7Gf 11:19 AM Aug 27, 2019 Twitter Web App

Others in the industry voiced their support of Quinn by sharing their own stories of sexual assault in the games industry. Twitter user @ohadelaide tweeted that they were inspired by Quinn's story to share her story of being assaulted by another developer, Luc Shelton (shown below, left).^[5] Night in the Woods co-creator Scott Benson tweeted that he believed Quinn's allegations (shown below, right). As of August 27th, Holowka has not responded to the allegations.

Adelaide PAXU @ohadelaide Since we're on the topic of Alec Holowka and other game devs who are sexual assaulters, Luc Shelton of Splash Damage assaulted me and gaslit me and at least one other woman two years ago and plenty (former) mutuals told me to stay quiet about it but I won't ever shut up anymore. 2:16 AM Aug 27, 2019 Twitter Web App

Henry Dubb OK @bombsfall so that was an absurdly worded tweet because it was in a stunned moment but- we believe zoe's account of alec's actions, we're very sad and very angry, this is all hitting us in the middle of the night, well have more to say about it tomorrow 3:22 AM Aug 27, 2019 Twitter Web App

Infinite Ammo Response

On August 28th, Benson tweeted that Infinite Ammo would be severing ties with Holowka. They also stated that a physical release of Night In the Woods would be postponed and an unannounced project had been cancelled.^[6]

Death

On August 31st, 2019, Holowka's sister tweeted that her brother "passed away" earlier that morning, along with a note stating that while her family had tried to give Holowka support, "in the end he felt he had lost too much" (shown below).

Alec Holowka, my brother and best friend, passed away this morning. pic.twitter.com/NONUNSZ08q
— Eileen Mary Holowka (@derangedpoetess) August 31, 2019

Search Interest

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External References

^[1] Twitter – @UnburntWitch

^[2] Twitter – @UnburntWitch

^[3] Twitter – StillGray

^[4] Twitter – @SidAlpha

^[5] Twitter – @ohaidelaide

^[6] KnowYourMeme – Night In The Woods Studio Cuts Ties With Alec Holowka After Sexual Abuse Allegations

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Alec Holowka Sexual Abuse Allegations

Part of a series on Night in the Woods. [View Related Entries]

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Overview

Background

“While I was in Winnipeg he slowly isolated me from everyone else in my life while degrading me whenever we were alone. He convinced me to talk the 3 friends out of getting a shared place with me there. He convinced me to let him program my game instead of the friend I had been working with, despite many protests. He screamed at me for over an hour once because of the tone in my voice when I said hello. He wouldn’t let me leave the apartment without him and refused to give me the code to get in.”