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: Anonymous 04/06/21(Tue)16:26:28 No.851455647 >be me >Be about 7 years old >Never really had a wank but started to discover m----------- >Have my own method where I put my palm flat on my willy and spin it around in circles like the bowser battle on super Mario 64 >S--- feels so cash >Have an obsession with lamposts going as far as to give them all names "bomp, stappy, piggy, tamplin" etc >Recently moved to a new cul de sac >Become fascinated with this one lampost on the street >Enter a relationship with it >One day decide to get my willy out and rub it up and down against the lampost >Suddenly a sticky goo comes out of my willy >I did my first c-- Tldr busted a nut on a lampost >>851455756 #

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HOW IS YOUR NIGHT GOING /v/? Anonymous 10/11/09(Sun)18:34 No.39833040 Mine is doing good, I just sat down and cracked open a bear and about to play some TF2. Anonymous 10/11/09(Sun)18:35 No.39833090 You cracked open a bear? Anonymous 10/11/09(Sun)18:36 No.39833114 >Cracked open a bear Oh god what OP TF2 IS FOR CASUALS Crro Lack

Anonymous (ID: 31kpyf2g) I f------ hate these people 07/11/21(Sun)21:52:59 No.329597517 1d Amen. As a Democract, I worry about us allowing our cities to become wastelands of homeless drug addicts. I am excited to move out to the suburbs because at least life will be pleasant out there, even if I have to live amongst the Republicans. I want to be able to go for a walk without fear of attack. Do Democrats only care about the rights of antisocial drug addicted transients? I will never vote Republican, but I hate how us Dems don't have the courage to let the ends justify the means. 1625859701519m.jpg 110 KB JPG there is no political solution Anonymous (ID: ricZnDZD) >>329597517 (OP) # 07/11/21(Sun)21:55:23 No.329597743 >I recognize that my party doesn't have my best interests in mind >in fact, I can see that my party favors literal criminals over law abiding citizens >I have to literally pack my s--- up and move because my party ruined my home >I wont ever change the way I vote though Imao Democracy was a mistake >>329599805 # >>329600177 # >>329601081 #

34 KB JPG >Be born in 1949 >Don't have to fight in a war >Be 20 years old in time for the summer of '69 >Pick up some ridiculous 11/10 who's hitchhiking to Woodstock in my Plymouth Roadrunner I bought after working a summer job for a month >She's immediately into me because she's from a small town and I'm the only man in her life who's not her father or brother >Bring her home and marry her >Go to get a job, hired off the street with no experience and get trained >Buy 10 acres of land for less than what I make in a year >rent out my land for decades >retire and sit around house all day looking at my collection of boats and cars I never use Kids today just don't understand hard work and pulling themselves up by their bootstraps

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Anon tells an embarrassing story | /r/Greentext

Anonymous | 763244175 2 hr. ago ●•• >be 13 >started masturbating at this age >feels f------ amazing >think I invented it >WHY DOES NOBODY KNOW ABOUT THIS!? I NEED TO TELL THE PEOPLE!!! >family cookout >grandma, papa, auntie, cousins, parents, everyone is there >go to every table and when they ask me what l've been up to eagerly tell them about how f------ amazing it feels to blow my load and how they should do it >everyone is naturally sketched out >my parents catch wind of my m----------- ramblings >dad takes me inside and has to explain like l'm an autist how it's not right to tell nana and pepaw how I j------- in the tub >the shame fills my soul >I still have times where I lay awake at night and wonder w-- I was thinking 3 REPLIES Anonymous | 763244467 2 hr. ago •.. >>763244175 kek

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Anon gets a blowjob | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)08:53:29 No.851496303 greentext thread l'll start >be me >living with GF >we f----- everyday >smoke weed almost everyday GF 528 KB WEBM does not >one day, super high GF and I shower together >she's blowing me in the shower >i never c-- to b------- >feel like c------ >announce it >thought i came until she pulled her head away disgusted >turned out i p----- in her mouth >never speak about it again serves her right, she broke my heart half a year later and we both will live our lives knowing that i p----- in her mouth

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Anon forms a special connection | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)09:15:59 No.63095136 >watch p--- >guy says he is c------ >immediately c-- too 18 KB PNG

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Anon discovers ASMR | /r/Greentext

I think i might be into asmr now Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)04:36:38 No.63095818 [Reply] >Playing vidya with girl >Her baby brother needs to sleep >She starts whispering into the mic >Instant boner, Rock solid >l always thought asmr was stupid as f---, but I discovered that girls whispering is hot as f---

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Anon is a pirate, so was OP and so am I | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 05/14/20(Thu)15:56:14 No.507945510 >pirate game >company loses $60 >delete game >company receives back $60 >pirate game 1 million times >company loses $60M and declares bankrupcy >buy company for a few dollars 36 KB JPG and become CEO >delete all the pirated copies >$60M deposited in my account >suddenly CEO of my own game company with millions to make my dream game

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Anon visits 4chan | /r/Greentext

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Anon gets cucked by a pair of glasses | /r/Greentext

File: ugly_peepo.jpg (69 KB, 638x626) Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)03:27:30 No.851502300 ► Using 4chan for the first time despite making fun of others for using it but In eed to tell somebody so f--- it I'm here >Be me 18 working for the first time >never had a gf >Girl at work starts flirting with me >Time passes >One day she comes to work with her glasses on for the first time >She looks at me and freezes for a sec >Almost immediately loses interest and eventually stops replying to me text >WHAT HAPPENED???? I DONT WEAR GLASSES SO I DONT KNOW WHAT SHE SAW >I DONT WEAR GLASSES SO I DONT KNOW WHAT SHE SAW Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)03:29:37 No.851502381 she saw yoOu, anon. welcome to the club. youve passed initiation.

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An interesting title | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous bullying is bad, kids 04/06/21(Tue)14:56:22 No.63088633 >be me >3rd grade >about to be dismissed from school >while walking down the stairs girl trips me >fuckthathurt.wav >get up >cant even fight back because retarded "boys 59 KB PNG cant fight girls" rule >go home >tell parents >they laugh at me >mfw : Anonymous 04/06/21(Tue)15:07:29 No.63088783 >>63088633 (OP) # obivously should have followed her off the bus and r---- her. really simple stuff here.

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Anon is cancelled | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/07/21(Wed)00:56:28 No.63093815 >be me, onions blogger >write about BLM stuff >headline is "African-American woman assaulted by white male" >problem is that I made a funny and made sure autocorrect would change "African-American" to ngr every time 78 KB JPG >hit publish without double-checking Bros it's been 3 minutes and I've received 24 comments, a story on CNN and my name being blacklisted on any writing board help

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Anon wants to migrate | /r/Greentext

: Anonymous 04/06/21(Tue)19:09:03 No.63082154 how the f--- do people just move to other countries? do they do it for jobs or what? ive been reading stories on reddit and s--- and people just move to other countries. i could never in my life figure out how to leave my s--- 6 KB JPG hole 3 Replies / 1 Image View Thread : Anonymous 04/06/21(Tue)19:10:17 No.63082166 >>63082154 (OP) # Crawl your way up the border deepshit : Anonymous 04/06/21(Tue)19:12:28 No.63082187 >save some money >get on google to figure out how to emigrate (legally or illegally) >line up a couple of months of expenses and a place to stay >gtfo >get to the place >look for literally any job so that you don't go homeless >once you get that first job, start trying to get a long term gig

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Anon woke up | /r/Greentext

>be me >wake up in the middle of the night >go the the bathroom to take a dump >piss then strain for the load >not enough fiber in diet so its gonna be a big one >1load1life.wav >clench the side of the toilet as I feel it 158 KB PNG coming >launch it out at mach 2 >feel relief for 0.4 seconds >feel cold toilet water hit my a------ >dump so wide my ass didn't have time to full close >mfw I have my own piss up my a------ That is chaos

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Gentleman's, I would like to remind you one of the best greentexts. | /r/Greentext

Anonymous | 745707443 3 hr ago •.. >be me >be 14 >recently started highschool >make enemies as easily as I make friends >some m----- child takes a particular disliking to me >turns out he's a Jew 262.0 kB PNG >muh germanic heritage >anyways.txt >never owned an umbrella before >have always used father's or brother's >rains torrentially after school, drenching me >take personal offence to this and proceed to find the cheapest umbrella out there >still own the umbrella to this day >half a dollar and isn't too shabby >has some fake wood handle which looks nice despite its fakeness and it's very compact - one of those flimsy retractable ones >it deploys by powerful internal spring operation >sidetracked_again.autism >buy it >turn up to school the next day >short Juden is acting like he owns the place >l happen to be within range >pulls out his slingshot and by chance hits me in the head with a small steel bb >he is amused >be not amused >later that day in gym class or whatever you want to call it >sitting on sideline of football match waiting to play when ball flies through the air at mach 0.86 and is going to hit some anon in the face >the power of the umbrella enhances my reflexes and I catch the ball on the collapsed canopy of the retracted umbrella, decelerating it to a stop and balancing it on the side like a ball on a bat >silence as people try to figure out what just happened >w--.umbrella >anon and I become friends >he is half Japanese >go to changing room and the Juden is noisily s--- talking >other Jew tells him to stfu >Juden dismisses it and decides to start mocking my new friend's eyes >axis powers intensify >jump up onto one of the benches with umbrella in hand, challenging Juden to a duel >L_have_the_high_ground.f-- >makes the mistake of saying lost the war >Deutschland, Deutschland über alles >point umbrella at his face and press the release button >the umbrella impacts the centre of his melon and he is stunned, stumbling backwards into the concrete wall >the umbrella is now infamous >no further confrontation with Juden for a long time >fat English friend of mine sits on the umbrella inadvertently >it is destroyed >there is widespread disappointment at the news of its demise >return home >assess the damage and considering how much I enjoy fixing things I accept the challenge >rule one: can only use parts which come off the umbrella to repair it and one type of glue >rule two: no special tools - a hammer and pliers only >rule three: must be repaired of damage by the following day it was incurred >tricky fix and some features were sacrificed but I arrive at school the next day triumphantly >next day >umbrella meme intensifies >umbrella is found by many students to be amusing >umbrella is snatched from my grasp and used to beat someone over the head >umbrella is destroyed in the process >news of its second demise circulates >kid who got hit complains to the powers that be >foreshadow-tron fires up in the background >school assembly next day >umbrellas now require a permit to say that they are safely designed and cannot be used as weapons or will be confiscated >George Orwell coughs loudly in the back row >l obtain my umbrella permit and it is registered in the school's health and safety database >fast forward four days >an unsolicited game of capture the umbrella breaks out and the handle comes off among other things >obviously has been trodden on >quickly gather the pieces to conceal the damage as I risk having my umbrella permit voided >perform crude surgery on the umbrella for which I am starting to become a bit sentimental >turn up next day with umbrella >no longer extends properly and a locking pin is needed to secure it in the deployed position but still works >umbrella has become legendary and students ask if they can hold it >almost all of the teachers have no idea what is going on and those who do are believers in the umbrella's power >fast forward two days >umbrella is the victim of a hit and run attack >four seniors ambush me and take the umbrella >news gets out and an all out banzai charge takes place with half the junior school hunting down the four seniors that took it >the operation was a failure >one week later the umbrella is found in a roadside drain >next day >anon student kneels before me and returns the umbrella ceremoniously >he is rewarded for his diligence and honesty in slushie format >umbrella is critically damaged and the fabric canopy has almost completely come off but I manage to repair it >umbrella is now barely functional but still it continues to prove undefeatable and my umbrella permit is still valid >two minor inversions due to wind take place over the next week and then the approaching summer no longer necessitates the presence of the umbrella >decide to leave it at home for the duration of the summer for the sake of preservation despite many disciples of the umbrella trying to convince me otherwise >fast forward four months >a freak rainstorm sparks fake news of the umbrella's second coming >the hype dies down after another two months but a buzz slowly builds as the dry season draws to a close >winteriscoming.cringe >prophesy the return of the umbrella after the school holidays >cult grows over the two week break >copycat umbrellas appear with others attempting to capture some of my umbrella's followers but my umbrella proves to be truly unique and they uphold the ways of the one and only true umbrella >"thou shall have no other umbrellas before me" >one week into the semester >my nemesis tries messing with me again as he has grown resentful >tries to get the school's history club which is basically the Soviet Union club to beat the s--- out of me >they impolitely decline >tries to get his older brother to beat the s--- out of me on the football pitch during lunchtime in broad view of several teachers >he impolitely accepts >people notice the scenario and begin watching >he is the least coordinated person I have ever seen >swings wildly at me and I don't even need to duck >everyone is now watching intently >two female teachers are frantically trying to arrive at the epicentre to break up the fight, one of them almost passing out from the exertion of a light jog >one male teacher is seen laughing his arse off as soon as the lunatic swings >swift strike to the side of his head with the umbrella which had slowly become lighter and more agile >he slips in the mud, surprised at the speed of the umbrella >laugh_track.wav >about to be suspended for using a weapon despite it being in self defence >have idea >pull out tattered umbrella permit and verify that it was deemed safe for the school and did not count as a weapon >charges dropped and parents were told about the incident but no punishment was issued >Juden brother claimed he was just playing around and that it was a misunderstanding, thus avoiding his own punishment >umbrella is now a mainstream meme in school and is almost confiscated on numerous occasions >teachers are beginning to realise the power of the umbrella and many seek to harness it >half Japanese friend now uses the umbrella for shading himself from the sun when I need someone else to carry it >teachers can do nothing to take it from him as it is used for his health and safety >fast forward four weeks >waiting for bus >a challenger appears >Juden-child deftly relieves me of the umbrella >audible titanic theme >a bus is pulling away from the stop, some of the students on it seeing the traumatic event unfolding while the crowd at the stop looks on in shock >Juden-child thrusts the umbrella beneath the rear tyres of the bus and there is a sickening crunch >he quickly gets into his getaway vehicle before chaos ensues, obviously having thoroughly planned the operation beforehand >there is great sorrow and mourners are gathering at the carcass like respectful vultures >Juden-child has triumphed >feels bad man >crowd parts to allow clear access >the damage is catastrophic >it has become two dimensional >metal struts all squashed and shards of fake wood handle everywhere >gather as much of its remains as possible >umbrella permit has definitely expired now >get home >1986 MacGyver theme plays at full volume in my head for seven hours straight >next day >enter the school gates solemn >umbrella is not seen on me and word quickly spreads confirming the worst >in school assembly >umbrellas are now banned due to a health and safety "incident" and a strict raincoat only policy is enforced with a one day grace period to buy a raincoat >George Orwell blasts air horn from back row, screeching in newspeak >must choose the perfect time >students leaving the assembly hall in a miserable state with me leading the parade >quickly whip out the umbrella which I have been concealing inside my jacket for the past four hours >raise it up above my head for all to see >there is a collective scree from several hundred teenagers >many are in disbelief >it was missing half of its parts with around a third of the supporting arms and could no longer extend forwards at all but it could open, close and keep me somewhat dry and it was good enough for the masses >there was still hope >fearing confiscation, the umbrella is not seen again for some time >parent of a really obese kid writes to the school complaining that no raincoats were large enough for the child >said child "could no longer wear a tarpaulin in the event of rain as it was too embarrassing" >get contacted by the school dean to dispose of the umbrella under their supervision and to get a new one >agree >umbrellas are unbanned and George Orwell chills out for a second, wiping the froth from his mouth >decide to form a secret society and inform them on the matter under extreme secrecy >despite this, the KGB somehow finds out the details >of_course.pdf >dispose of the umbrella under the supervision of the dean after school >heavy handedly place it into the dumpster and the dean closes it up, imagining this is the end of the ordeal >some legend wearing a ski mask is sitting in the dumpster waiting for it and after around half a minute some rummaging is heard inside >tfw they must have placed an operative in every single dumpster to ensure they captured the umbrella >lid flings open with a tremendous crash and the dean whirls around to see a kid in a mask clutching the umbrella, running away and screaming "for the motherland!" trailing the flag of the USSR >dean becomes the human manifestation of anger >error 404 >culprit not found >peace treaty is signed with the commies and the umbrella is gifted to the newly formed secret umbrella society but it's location is only ever known by two people at any given time >the KGB proves very good at making sure nobody knows where it is, as soon I only see it for routine maintenance >it occasionally makes an appearance during lunchtime which always causes a commotion >fast forward one year >KGB has devised special procedures to ensure the protection of the umbrella >umbrella must be exchanged for a special fifty cent coin every time it changes hands as a gesture of purchase for its original price >the fifty cent coin is marked and is circulated to the next operative that is chosen to keep the umbrella >umbrella is black >umbrella is codenamed "Fifty Cent" >the teachers are kept highly confused due to our underground networks of fake news sources which make identifying any suspect a nightmare >questioned repeatedly on its location but I give them nothing, saying I don't know where it is and that I haven't seen it since it was stolen >questioned on the secret umbrella society >imply that the notion of an underground network of students trying to conceal the location of a mangled umbrella because it's a meme and borderline cult is ridiculous while appreciating the irony >fast forward a few weeks >umbrella is returned to me for maintenance by one of my assigned KGB contacts >umbrella is seen in my possession by some CIA pig working for the teachers >umbrella is confiscated from me after dean shows up and gives me a lecture on discipline and honesty >there is a purge in the secret society after two double agents are exposed >KGB makes life difficult for them >some assignments are "misplaced" and they lose friends >they move schools >lone wolf gets into trouble and reports to the KGB that the umbrella has been broken in two and is in the dean's office bin >KGB anon chick is on office notice runner duty >KGB anon chick waits for planned diversion >dean is outside of their office, attending to a "scuffle" between KGB operatives >umbrella is recovered just before the janitor empties the bin >KGB anons commended for their impeccable and professional planning >small offcuts of the fabric canopy which were removed during maintenance are awarded to them as patches >umbrella is returned to me to be repaired >fast forward two days >news of the umbrella's confiscation and demise is confirmed smugly by the dean in school assembly >umbrella reappears in the school cafeteria during lunch break >his_face_when.wat >last weeks of winter and weather seems to be almost clear >umbrella has been broken many more times in transit between operatives but I have fixed it each time >it is in my possession on the eleventh of August >it would be the darkest day in the history of the school >8/11 >light drizzle begins while on the bus home from school >think nothing of it >get off the bus >hail begins >little marbles hitting my head so I pull out the umbrella >this is the first known time it has been used to shield someone from the weather in months >still works >feels good man >tragedy strikes >marbles begin to increase in size >hailstone the size of a tennis ball impacts the top of the metal shaft and the ball of ice shatters along with the entire umbrella >wrist hurts like f--- >some of the ice has gone down the back of my jacket >feels disgruntled man >then it hits me like the hailstone should have >that moment when you realise that by sacrificing itself, the umbrella saved your life >damage is so severe that the umbrella is now unrecognisable as having been an umbrella >when the only thing that could possibly kill the umbrella after surviving years of abuse is the very thing it's designed to be able to handle >the weather >irony.w-- >reports of the final demise of the umbrella are slow to filter into the student consciousness >confirm that the umbrella had been destroyed in saving me from almost certain death >teachers all smug >dean is smug >the society is in ruins >someone tries to make a new umbrella by breaking one slightly and doing a real s--- job of fixing it >it's not the same and nobody follows >school morale is at an all time low >wailing and gnashing of teeth >eventually school life begins to move on but there is still a void which could only have been filled by the umbrella >former society members and the KGB threaten to leak each other's identities as the treaty collapses into a war of mutually assured detentions >fast forward a lot to my last couple of weeks of high school >find the mangled remains of what once was the umbrella down the side of my bed >get chills >maniacal_grin.kek >fast forward one week >last week of high school >the secret umbrella society is brought back together and the peace treaty with the commies is reinstated >worked harder on rebuilding the umbrella than I did on any of my subjects that year >last day >worth it >walk into final assembly very late through double doors at the back of the hall with the umbrella open over my head >it's stitched together and comprised of approximately 30% of the materials it was made from and it is only semi-waterproof but it still works >and it was back >loudly hum some rap music from early 2000s >everyone hears and turns around >looks of disbelief >lolwut.ayylmao >the look on Juden-manlet's face >the look on the dean's face >the look on my face >the final triumph >the umbrella is given a name on that last day >it is the genuine umbrella >it is an anorexic umbrella >it is almost a sun umbrella >it is the real slim shady >guess who's back >back again >shady's back >tell a friend >...

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Greentext Stories - Anon loves lamp | /r/Greentext

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: Anonymous 04/06/21(Tue)16:26:28 No.851455647 >be me >Be about 7 years old >Never really had a wank but started to discover m----------- >Have my own method where I put my palm flat on my willy and spin it around in circles like the bowser battle on super Mario 64 >S--- feels so cash >Have an obsession with lamposts going as far as to give them all names "bomp, stappy, piggy, tamplin" etc >Recently moved to a new cul de sac >Become fascinated with this one lampost on the street >Enter a relationship with it >One day decide to get my willy out and rub it up and down against the lampost >Suddenly a sticky goo comes out of my willy >I did my first c-- Tldr busted a nut on a lampost >>851455756 #

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