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Political Compass - Oh no! I was hosting a regular college party when all of a sudden, the human personifications of 63 world countries crashed it! How do they react to having human bodies and being at an American house party in 2023? 9x7 wojak compass | /r/PoliticalCompassM

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NORTH KOREA SOUTH AFRICA Parked down the street staring at the house with a pair of Walmart binoculars Ever so often he stands on the roof of the car and shouts "I'm having a better party!" while playing 70s music from a portable speaker and dancing with an inflatable sex doll He makes eye contact with South Korea through the window; they stare at one another then SK Ccloses the shades FRANCE Speaks French to everyone and pretend not to know English, except with Switzerland and Canada - he only speaks English with them VOLVO Chain-smoking bitterly in the corner NETHERLANDS Brought a case of Heineken, but keeps track of who takes some and Venmo requests them at the end of the night Keeps trying to the rearrange chairs in an organizational way, much to everyone's annoyance Complains constantly about the food and wine SWEDEN Lets people cut him in line for the keg, then gets p----- about it but simply crosses his arms and grunts with dissatisfaction Keeps looking at his watch, wondering when it's socially acceptable to go home NIGERIA AND GHANA Came together but each brought a tray of jollof China finds out and whispers to Nigeria "you spent my money on RICE!?" Hug everyone they see and share a jug of palm wine Drinking mint tea he brought in a thermos, with 12 sugar cubes in it His friends, the Balkans, ask if he wants to come out to the pool, but while they fight he just stands there and watches I take him upstairs BANGLADESH Keeps getting mistaken for India or Pakistan and absolutely hates it The UK says "oh, I get it now! I love Calcutta, lovely place." Sells weed to the European countries while Mexico covers the Western Hemisphere, and they respect each other Has a paranoid expression, keeps looking over his shoulder Tries to pickpocket Spain but gets called out THAILAND Shows up dressed as a Nevertheless gets hit on woman although by a bunch of westerners it's pretty and convinces Belgium obvious he's a guy to come home with him. In the car he turns around, holding a knife, and says "nothing personal," then mugs Belgium Locks all the windows and doors, won't tell anyone why GERMANY Shows up five minutes early and wonders why everyone else is late Attends only briefly, talks with Austria and Switzerland, but appears uncomfortable and doesn't like the beer and leaves at 9:30 PM Loosens up only slightly, goes out back and argues with Australia about braai AUSTRIA Sad because he remembers everyone else's name, but everyone else keeps mistaking him for Germany Withdraws to a corner and talks with Czechia and Slovakia about nihilism and how the party is going Calls the cops in a noise complaint at precisely 10 PM and he actually has a decent night after that CZECHIA AND SLOVENIA TAIWAN Gay 19-year-old boy standing in the corner and vaping They give him some molly to get him off their back SLOVAKIA A nice couple that broke up some time ago, but remain best friends and spend the whole party together After a lot of Pilsner Urquell, they go upstairs to "have a conversation" in my bedroom LITHUANIA Three hours later they're gone and I find my bedsheets folded and a note saying "thanks." Asks both India and China for money; both refuse Challenges China to a StarCraft competition but gets denied Tries to take upskirt shots of a college girl Just happy that he was invited, and that people aren't confusing him with China But throughout the night people slowly stop talking to him until only the US will acknowledge his existence MOROCCO LITHUANIA Brought a Tries to share the food potato dish for with Estonia but Estonia two and a bottle of strong vodka doesn't acknowledge his existence ICELAND Attractive but exceptionally shy, can't handle all the attention he's getting He leaves alone Takes a pull of Lithuania's vodka but otherwise doesn't converse with anyone but New Zealand SOUTH KOREA MOLDOVA At the karaoke machine, singing k-pop He sits on a stair and eats all the potatoes and vodka alone while watching the Russia/ Ukraine fight and whispering "I hope you die, bastard" NEPAL Awkwardly hangs out near New Zealand and Iceland but doesn't quite feel included although they make every effort CHINA Shows up with the majority of the party's alcohol, but is instantly shocked to see that Taiwan was invited Spends the rest of the night telling everyone that they can't be talk to Taiwan, or else they won't be friends with China anymore Leaves without saying goodbye Hangs out with France and complains about the food and wine Silently giving cash to Nigeria and Ghana CHILE Joins Australia and South Africa at the grill and asks if they want to make some asado Watches the Balkans fight over the pool from afar and mutters "I used to own that" Everyone assumes she's Macedonia or something and she continuously has to explain who she is CANADA Generally a nice guy, gets along with everyone but Russia, with whom he argues about hockey Brought a bottle of Malbec but keeps it to himself, maybe lets Argentina have a sip Locker-boxes Finland in the backyard, but then they shake hands and hug Nobody notices he showed up Writes everyone thank- "you notes afterward PORTUGAL PUERTO RICO SINGAPORE UNITED STATES BOSNIA AND SERBIA AND CROATIA Brought a flag for some reason and relentlessly waves it in everyone's faces Gets mad when people address him in Spanish and obviously jealous of Brazil Loudly shouting "I'm so druuunk, bro!" as he sips light beer from a red Calls half the countries by the wrong name and makes off- color jokes solo cup Brags that Moldovan wine is the best in the world but only drinks France's wine Russia keeps hitting on her but when she rejects his advances, he moves onto Ukraine NEW ZEALAND Whenever there's a fight he runs out of the room; finds that Iceland does the same thing and they become friends Hundreds of photos are taken at the party but NZ is just barely out of frame in all of them SPAIN The party started at 7 and he said he was on his way, but he shows up at 11 Guides Italy, Greece, and Portugal to the bars at 3 AM then goes to work eight hours later MALTA The UK vaguely recognizes him but nobody else He tries to brag to The Vatican about his associations with the Crusaders and The Vatican just grunts ANTARCTICA Standing outside in the cold trying to convince the doorman that he's a country, without success HUNGARY Shows up expecting to be adored, is upset when countries don't flock to his side Floats between friend groups acting like they're his BFFs, they get wary and slink away Actually three penguins stacked in a trench coat and everyone can see it SUOMI Romania tries to steal his wallet and he punches him in the face KARHU Half the visitors have no idea who he is and keep mistaking him for Cuba or Catalonia Estonia sticks by him like disciple and helps him steam up my bathroom GREECE Whispers to Italy "you better not let me get near Turkey tonight." "Ok Malaka," laughs Italy, patting on the back. Spoiler: Greece immediately goes to find Turkey and they start having a loud argument Occasionally they throw hands but then they hug and by the end of the night they pass out in each other's arms TURKEY Hanging out with Bosnia, but he goes to the pool so Turkey is alone Just then Greece finds him and they get in an argument about döner Arrives in a mesh tank top and layers upon layers of cologne Germany waits impatiently on the outskirts for someone to win USA comes up to him and says "oooh I love chicken parm!!" much to Italy's annoyance Texts d--- pics to Russia and North Korea and thinks it's the funniest s--- in the world. FINLAND UKRAINE UNITED KINGDOM Older man making tea on the stove, Whenever a Commonwealth humming "The British Grenadier" to himself country walks through he offers them a cuppa Started the night out socially awkward, but seized the opportunity to steal Russia's vodka and is now s-------- drunk Suddenly has the urgent need to tell everyone about that one time he beat Sweden in ice hockey Drinking wine with Spain and Portugal and goes out with them afterward MEXICO Doesn't like the food, grabs ingredients from my fridge and starts making tacos on the stove The US stops by and Mexico palms him a bag of weed Does coke with Colombia in the bathroom RUSSIA Brings a bunch of s----- vodka and gets plastered by 9 PM Starts aggressively groping Ukraine in the middle of the dance floor It's ok, she brought enough Lumpia for everyone BRAZIL Being friendly in a professional way, but making no effort to make friends Brought a football but only Argentina halfheartedly plays with him Loves the karaoke machine although he's the only non-Asian participating, is the king of the dance floor When Ukraine punches him in the face he grumbles and claims he won the fight Approaches me and tells me I need to do better at Auro organizing my parties in the future Sighs and leaves at 10 PM to prepare for another 80- hour workweek Gets groped by Russia and punches him in the face, causing him to slink away ITALY Double-parks and comes in wearing a button-up shirt open halfway down the Drives up in a Tesla, chest, big gold cross, flirting with everything obviously rich Other countries ask that breathes how he got rich and he scoffs and responds "it was easy," and that's it RAAMATTU In congratulations, the US writes him a fat check and tells him to "have fun with BELGIUM Hounding France, trying to get him to admit that "French Fries" are in fact Belgian Now the other countries get mad that the US isn't doing the same for them France turns around and shouts in English "we're not friends anymore, you Flemish dog!" Bikes home; despite being slammed, he doesn't falter a bit NORWAY Wipes off the top of the bottle whenever someone offers him a drink VIETNAM THE PHILIPPINES COLOMBIA Brought the karaoke machine, drop it on the dance floor and Vietnam and South Korea immediately descend on it Trying to sneak food into Ziploc bags, but it's obvious Chain-smoking, playing card games in the basement, and chugging Heineken China, her complicated ex, hits on her and she shouts "not tonight!!" Eventually joins Australia and co. at the grill SAUDI ARABIA Shows up in a suit covered in pretty obvious bloodstains DENMARK ARGENTINA isn't as obnoxious about it as Brought a weird Later gets blackout Also fell into an MLM scheme but syrupy licorice spirit that only Finland is willing to try drunk with Australia and Ireland Pakistan mount The other South American countries all dated her at one point and now they stay away PAKISTAN Fell into an MLM some years ago and is now trying to sell it to everyone Whenever someone asks where they come from, he denies their existence When nobody buys he sits on the couch with India to watch cricket and they argue relentlessly USA stands beside him and echoes these denials WASYSH Ppen-carrying a pistol, has a large stack of cash in his pocket and just starts handing out bills to almost everyone "Ahh cheers mate," "thanks love," "you're a good chap." HONG KONG Angsty teenage boy who's forced to live with China although he hates him Does eventually drink some beer and recount with vigor that one story from the 1966 World Cup Talks with Singapore and Switzerland about crypto investing and kisses the UK's ass Gets tired of all the vampire jokes by 8 PM They all look at him strangely and say "go back to your step- dad, now" Hanging out with Chile but lowkey not happ about it Brazil comes up and kisses Argentina on both cheeks, Argentina reacts in disgust ISRAEL Longtime friend of the US, sticks close by his side as the US keeps palming him $100 bills Is relieved Palestine wasn't invited INDIA Brought a baggie of cocaine and does lines Chile offers him some asada but he says "no thank you friend, I don't eat meat" with Mexico in the bathroom Tries to use the karaoke machine but gets yelled at IRELAND The moment he cracks open his first beer, the US comes along and says "oh look out, paddy's drunk again!!" then hastily whispers in his ear "it's ok, I'm 1/16th Irish." Makes quick friends with Scotland over a mutual hatred for the UK USA discreetly buys some but vehemently Tries to steal the aux cord to play Bollywood music denies it Gets into a drinking completion with Australia and Denmark Caught trying to sneak cardamom into the punch, says "it was too bland!" Asks Ghana to see bobs Land vagene ROMANIA Annoyed with Italy's popularity, boasts that *he's the true descendant of Great- Grandpa Rome VATICAN Tells every country that fights that they should Steals Hungary's wallet and gets kicked out of the party Italy's grandpa who was invited for some reason stop fighting then falls asleep in a recliner Wakes up and invites Malta to his side, says "son, I'm half-blind. You're 14 now, right? Come onto papa's lap..." All go out to the pool together. Croatia jumps in first and hogs the space, causing Bosnia and Serbia to complain, and they all jump in and start slap-fighting After an hour of this they grow tired and they go inside, sit on a couch POLAND Older man who shows up with a six-pack of Żywiec beer, drinks it all himself, cries a lot, sings his anthem once, and falls asleep Germany wakes him up and he shouts "look what you've done to me!" before storming out together, say nothing, and pass a bottle of rajka JAPAN Shows up in a suit and bows deeply to everyone he meets Eventually drinks a little and starts singing 80s rock ballads on the karaoke machine while wearing his tie on his head China thinks he's being a degenerate and keeps trying to remind everyone what his grandfather did but everyone else is having fun SWITZERLAND Not drinking much, walking around handing out his business card and trying to network Rented a fancy watch, suit, and Bentley to give the appearance of wealth although he's totally broke When the brawl between Ukraine and Russia begins he giddily tries to sell them both brass knuckles he brought for some reason EGYPT Going around the party trying to sca- I mean borrow money from people, tells each country it's for a different purpose "My friend, my friend, great investment opportunity for you, good price" Smells terrible and is way too pushy AUSTRALIA The moment he arrives he heads out back to the grill and starts working magic Calls everyone "c---" but means it in the most endearing way After serving everyone food he gets in a drinking contest with Denmark and Ireland, and wins SCOTLAND I walk into the bathroom to find him shirtless, shadowboxing the mirror and talking s--- about England "Square go-like ye c---!" Good friends with Ireland ESTONIA Whenever people ask who he is he says "oh, uh...Finland" Ends up following around doing his bitch work and begging him for money; "shut up, pledge," snarls Finland

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