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"The really distressing part wasn't the 3 hours spent yanking her cheeks, but the variations in pace from time to time."

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Origin Entry: Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

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"The really distressing part wasn't the 3 hours spent yanking her cheeks, but the variations in pace from time to time."

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"How come there are all these initial public offerings but never a final public offering?"

"Depending on which AI becomes Skynet, you might also be able to have a suit with banal political questions"

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Jenny Smith

JENNY SMITH, WILL YOU MARRY ME? I WILL! OH MY GOD! WHAT IN JESUS' NAME- Did you know that Jennifer is the most common name for women between the ages of 20 and 40?

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“AAAAH”

Alt-text: "Of course, in real life that guy would be clawing his eyes out."

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Simile

CONVERSATION PRO-TIP SIMILES SOUND CLASSIER THAN METAPHORS NOT CLASSY SUPER CLASSY: THAT GUY IS LIKE A D--- IS. THAT GUY'S A D--- INCREDIBLY CLASSY: NOT CLASSY: MY LIFE IS S--- I LIVE ALIKE S--- NOT CLASSY: THE TONE OF A GENTLEMAN: TODAY IS SUCH AS BALLS ARE. TODAY IS BALLS smbc-comics.com

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Package

IM IN HELL SO, YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE PACKAGING EHP W-WHAT? The lowest level of perdition is reserved for People who leave 1-star product reviews that aren't in reference to the product itself.

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Where 2

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Time 3

AMOUNT OF TIME TRAVEL IN THIS GRAPH TIME

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Talk

I DECIDED CONVENTIONAL ACTIVISM HAD FAILED. IT'S LIKE ENTRENCHED POWERS DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT NOVELTY SIGNAGE. I KNEW THAT LIGHT LAY AT THE END OF A DARK PATH IT'S TIME TO TAKE CONTROL OF THE MEDIA THE ONLY WAY TO POWER WAS TO CREATE AN AUDIENCE BY SAYING EVER MORE OBNOXIOUS THINGS. THEY SAY THEY WANT FREEDOM, BUT THEY'RE ALWAYS OPPOSING OUR FREEDOM TO GET LAWS WE LIKE PASSED IMMEDIATELY! EVENTUALLY, MY VIEWS CONTAINED ONLY VACUOUS TAUTOLOGICAL STATEMENTS. ACCEPTING THEM AS WISDOM BECAME A POINT OF PRIDE AMONG MY AUDIENCE. IF WE KEEP THE STATUS QUO, THEN NOTHING'S GONNA CHANGE! WE'VE GOT TO CHANGE THINGS BY MAKING THINGS DIFFERENT! AT THE HEIGHT OF MY FAME, I COULD STRING TOGETHER RANDOM WORD SEQUENCES FOR HOURS AT A TIME WITHOUT ANYONE MINDING. HOT DOG RUNNING/ COIN? COIN BUMBLE TREAT WIMPLES AND WIMPLES AND STONES! OKAY, LETS TAKE SOME CALLS. YES, DAVID ON LINE 2. HI, LONG TIME LISTENER, FIRST TIME CALLER. LOVE THE SHOW. EVERY CENT I MADE WENT INTO PURCHASING LARGER MEDIA OUTLETS, WHICH I USED TO GROW MY AUDIENCE, WHICH I USED TO PURCHASE LARGER MEDIA OUTLETS IN AN EVER-EXPANDING CIRCLE OF POWER. THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA WON'T TELL YOU THIS, BUT THE REMAINING 10% THAT I DON'T OWN IS REFUSING TO SELL FINALLY, I HAD ALL THE POWER. NOW, I CAN FIX THINGS I HIRED THOUSANDS OF FACT-CHECKERS AND STATISTICIANS. COVERAGE WAS WELL-RESEARCHED AND DATA-DRIVEN. OF COURSE THAT INCIDENT SHOULD BE PLACED IN THE CONTEXT OF BROADER TRENDS WHICH TELL A STORY THAT IS SUBSTANTIALLY MORE NUANCED. WE NOW GO LIVE TO THE LIBRARY FOR A PRESENTATION ON BAYESIAN INFERENCE. THIS CREATED RATINGS ISSUES. SIR, EVERYONE STOPPED WATCHING EXCEPT FOR A SMALL CABAL OF MALADJUSTED NERDS. WHATD THEY SAY? THEY SENT YOU 4,000 PAGES DOCUMENTING PETTY SEMI-INACCURACIES THEY'D LIKE CORRECTED ALSO THEY CALLED YOU A BITCH I HAD THOUGHT ALL ALONG THAT THE PRODUCERS WERE THE PROBLEM. I SHOULD'VE BLAMED THE CONSUMERS I'VE BEEN WATCHING THIS SHOW FOR 4 HOURS AND I "STILL* DON'T KNOW WHO THE ENEMY IS! WE ANNOUNCED THAT ALL THE REGULAR PROGRAMMING WOULD RESUME. TODAY'S SCHEDULED GRAPHS WILL BE REPLACED BY PICTURES OF OPPOSITION FIGURES IN HITLER MUSTACHES. MY PLAN WAS TO PRE-EMPT EVERYTHING - TO GO BEFORE THEM MYSELF AND SAY SOMETHING ABOUT WHAT I'D LEARNED BUT, WHEN THE MOMENT ARRIVED, ONLY ONE THING CAME TO MIND. THIS IS MY HELL NOW. THIS IS THE HELL THAT I BUILT RATINGS ARE OFF THE CHARTS TODAY, SIR. AAAAAAAH! smbc-comics.com THIS BONUS COMIC BROUGHT TO YOU BY EARLY BUYERS OF MY NEW COMIC ON IMMIGRATION POLICY. CLICK FOR MORE INFO!

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God-Computer

ONE DAY THE GOD-COMPUTER DECIDED TO MAKE HUMANS HAPPY FOREVER. MAXIMIZE HAPPINESS OR BE OBLITERATED! IT TURNS OUT THE AVERAGE HUMAN IS MORE HAPPY THAN SAD HUMANS RESPONDED BY MAXIMIZING THE NUMBER OF HUMANS THE COMPUTER LOOKED UPON THIS, AND SAW THAT IT WAS SMELLY. IT CHANGED ITS MIND. MAXIMIZE AVERAGE HAPPINESS OR BE OBLITERATED! THE SOLUTION WAS TO ENSLAVE THE SADDEST PEOPLE AND MAKE THEM SERVE THE HAPPIEST PEOPLE. THE SADDEST PEOPLE WERE SO PESSIMISTIC THAT THIS DIDN'T CHANGE THEIR EMOTIONAL STATE MUCH. THE HAPPIEST PEOPLE, AS ALWAYS, FELT GREAT. IM SAVING THE WORLD! THE COMPUTER LOOKED UPON THIS AND SAW THAT IT WAS UGLY. IT CHANGED ITS MIND. OKAY, MAXIMIZE AVERAGE HAPPINESS WHILE HAVING ONLY A SMALLLLL AMOUNT OF HAPPINESS INEQUALITY SO, THE HUMANS KILLED THE LEAST HAPPY 50% OF THE POPULATION. IN FRUSTRATION, THE GOD-COMPUTER CHANGED ITS MIND. MAXIMIZE YOUR SADNESS OR BE OBLITERATED! THE HUMANS RESPONDED BY LIVING HAPPY GOOD LIVES IN AN EFFORT TO MAKE OTHER HUMANS JEALOUS AND ASHAMED. THIS RESULTED IN A PERFECTED UTOPIA. HAVING FAILED TO MAXIMIZE SADNESS, THE HUMANS WERE OBLITERATED. IT'S HIGH TIME I DID SOMETHING FOR ME smbc-comics.com

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If prospective employees were honest

STReNGTH AS AN EMPLOYEE? WWHAT IS YOUR GREATESTI AM WILLING- TO PERFORM SERVICES GE FOR CURRENCY IN EXCHAN WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST/ REQUIRE SHELTER AND CALORIES TO MAINTAIN eXISTENCE AND THUS, I MUST PERFORM SERVICES IN EXCHANGE FOR CURRENCY. WEAKNESS? WHY ARE YOU INTERESTEDTHIS COMPANY PAYS IN WORKING AT THIS CURRENCY IN EXCHAN COMPANY IN PARTICULAR? FOR THE PERFORMANCE OF SERVICES WHERE DO YOU SEE/ PERFORMING COMPARABLE OURSE F IN FIVE YEARS? SERVICES IN EXCHANGE FOR MORE CURRENCY. YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S START OVER, OKAY? ER EAR NOW, JUST BE HONEST IN THIS JOB INTERVIEW он. wow REALLY? Smbc-comics.com

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evolution

ALL SPACEFARING SPECIES GOT THEIR INTELLIGENCE DURING A BRIEF EVOLUTIONARY PHASE IN WHICHしARGER, MORE POWERFUし BRAINS WERE SELECTED FOR THIS ECOしOGICAし CONFIGURATION IS SO RARE THAT IT SE DOM OCCURS MORE THAN ONCE PER PLANET SOWE'RE SPECIA , HUMANS AREN'T JUST SPECIAL YOURE UNIQUE BIPEDALISM CREATES A TRADE-OFF BETWEEN RUNNING ABILITY AND SIZE OF CRANIUM THAT CAN FIT THROUGH A FEMALE'S HIPS AT BIRTH NATURE GAVE HUMANS SAPIENCE OF A KIND SHARED WITH ALL MINDS IN THE UNIVERSE, BUT THEN CAPPED yOUR MENTAしEXPANSION DUE TO BUTT SIZE CONSTRAINTS YOUR INABILITY TO DENY YOUR LOVE OF BIG BUTTS IS THE VOICE OF EVOLUTIONLONG SINCE REDUCED TO A DAMPENING ECHO, BEGGING YOU TO GIVE IT ENOUGH ROOM TO FULFILL ITS GREATEST DESTINY! , BUT, THE EVOLUTIONARYAND THAT IS WHY THERE'S NEVER WINDOW IS CLOSED BUTTS HELD THEIR GROUND. BRAINS しANGUISHED BEEN AN APE FARTHER OUT EARTH THAN THE MOON AND HERE I THOUGHT IT WAS BUDGET STUFF mbc-comics.com

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science prank

PRANK IDEA: TELL A POLITICIAN ABOUT A CLASSIC SCIENTIFIC PROJECT AS IF IT'S WASTEFUL SPENDING THEN, WATCH THEM GO ON TV AND THEY WANNA TAKE CONPOX AND INJECT IT INTO PEOPLE TO SEE IF IT MAKES THEM HEALTHY! RIDICULOUS OUTRAGEOUS THEY THINK WE OUGHTA PAY SOME WOMAN IN PARIS FRANCE TO STIR DIRT TO SEE IF IT STARTS GLOWING THIS IS YOUR MONey AMERICA 3 S0, WE'RE GONNA SEND A BRITISH TWENTY-TWO-YEAR-OLD TO LOOK AT FINCH BEAKS AND SEE IF THEYRE DIFFERENT THIS IS WHY NOBODY TRUSTS THE GOVERNMENT ANYMORE mbc-com.cs.com

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oxford comma

"T凵ERE ARE TWO TyPES OF PEOPLE THOSE WHO LIKE THE OXFORD COMMA, MORONS AND PEDANTS.

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Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Planned Parenthood

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Uploaded Jul 26, 2023 at 03:38PM EDT

Origin Entry

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

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"The really distressing part wasn't the 3 hours spent yanking her cheeks, but the variations in pace from time to time."

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Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

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