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Cuz it's starting to really hurt when I shave…

That makes me sad…

Down the road.
Not across the street.

If it's hurting, you're doing it wrong. Make sure the head of the razor is flat against your skin, not at an angle.

Needs more chainsaws.

Obligatory.

Clearly you need to use less tomato sauce, and more cowbell.

EDIT: Spam removed.