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Sorry?

slate @PleaseBeGneiss landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent me: can you tell my boss that
slate @PleaseBeGneiss landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent me: can you tell my boss that

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Well well well...

Mollie Goodfellow @hansmollman well, well, well if it isn't all my "we'll deal with it in January" chickens home to roost
Mollie Goodfellow @hansmollman well, well, well if it isn't all my "we'll deal with it in January" chickens home to roost

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It makes sense

Eleanor Margolis @EleanorMargolis why does Timothée Chalamet remind me of this kind of medieval shoe
Eleanor Margolis @EleanorMargolis why does Timothée Chalamet remind me of this kind of medieval shoe

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Funny how that works

Kevin Kunkel @kunkelcomedy College is such an unbelievable transformation. You leave home at 18, still a child. Just 4 years later you emerge a fully formed alcoholic child with 5 figure debt.
Kevin Kunkel @kunkelcomedy College is such an unbelievable transformation. You leave home at 18, still a child. Just 4 years later you emerge a fully formed alcoholic child with 5 figure debt.

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Amazing system

Stacey @skittle624 I'm so glad I pay for a million different streaming services and none of the movies I'm looking for are free.
Stacey @skittle624 I'm so glad I pay for a million different streaming services and none of the movies I'm looking for are free.

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How rude

Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson You: "I'm only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me." Sports broadcaster: "Here comes the oldest player in the league. He's 32. A miracle."
Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson You: "I'm only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me." Sports broadcaster: "Here comes the oldest player in the league. He's 32. A miracle."

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For real

7k @7kDevaun Rather have a 500k honeymoon than a 500k wedding. JAMAICAN Shelly-Ann's Hamstrings. @_nxzxj Rather have 500k. *** B
7k @7kDevaun Rather have a 500k honeymoon than a 500k wedding. JAMAICAN Shelly-Ann's Hamstrings. @_nxzxj Rather have 500k. *** B

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Hated that spoon

Could really go for one of these bad boys right now. Only if it comes with the wooden spoon, though. The wood is half the flavor.
Could really go for one of these bad boys right now. Only if it comes with the wooden spoon, though. The wood is half the flavor.

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It's on him

Jon @ArfMeasures Genie: you have 17 wishes Me: isn't it normally 3?? Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here
Jon @ArfMeasures Genie: you have 17 wishes Me: isn't it normally 3?? Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here

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Cheese...

Yasha ♡ @yashatovah Yeah, olive oil and cheese and pastries can make you a little fat. Yeah, sunshine gives you wrinkles and wine ruins your liver and spending money on pretty things eats up your savings. But unfortunately, I've decided to enjoy life anyways
Yasha ♡ @yashatovah Yeah, olive oil and cheese and pastries can make you a little fat. Yeah, sunshine gives you wrinkles and wine ruins your liver and spending money on pretty things eats up your savings. But unfortunately, I've decided to enjoy life anyways

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Couldn't be me

slate @PleaseBeGneiss people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
slate @PleaseBeGneiss people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

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Way to be

Dude-Bro Dad @thedadvocate01 There's a party next door but judging by the mix of late 90s/early 2000s jams, they'll wrap it by ten.
Dude-Bro Dad @thedadvocate01 There's a party next door but judging by the mix of late 90s/early 2000s jams, they'll wrap it by ten.

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I get it

Forest Barnette @foresthempen My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that. Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate. Piper is a cat.
Forest Barnette @foresthempen My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that. Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate. Piper is a cat.

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I hate this

Creepy.org@creepydotorg. 4h A Japanese man noticed food disappearing from his fridge, so he set up a security camera and found out a homeless woman was living in the top compartment of his closet and been there for more than a year. 524 tz 2.2K 29K ılı 3.7M
Creepy.org@creepydotorg. 4h A Japanese man noticed food disappearing from his fridge, so he set up a security camera and found out a homeless woman was living in the top compartment of his closet and been there for more than a year. 524 tz 2.2K 29K ılı 3.7M

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Nailed it

consigliere @moyodre How would you write "I changed a light bulb" on your resume? M @THATYORUBAGUY @MuyiwaSaka Single-handedly managed the suc- cessful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents. от Σ
consigliere @moyodre How would you write "I changed a light bulb" on your resume? M @THATYORUBAGUY @MuyiwaSaka Single-handedly managed the suc- cessful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents. от Σ

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The best name

M @_MercyFul I'd really like to hear the reasoning behind women who won't take their husband's last name Emily Best @emilybest BECAUSE MY LAST NAME IS BEST. twitter.com/_mercyful/stat...
M @_MercyFul I'd really like to hear the reasoning behind women who won't take their husband's last name Emily Best @emilybest BECAUSE MY LAST NAME IS BEST. twitter.com/_mercyful/stat...

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technically the truth technical truths /r/technicallythetruth can't argue with that puns sarcasm dad jokes technically not wrong