The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week Well it's not a law it's a mandate

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Kieran Healy @kjhealy@mastodon.social A late dinner-prepared on time but neglected in favor of a computer game-led my son to be victimized by the remark "Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it". Honestly I'm surprised he hasn't simply smothered me in my sleep by now. Mar 05, 2024, 04:35 - Ivory for iOS 8 - ★ 19

DocAtCDI @DocAtCDI@mastodon.social It's inappropriate to make a dad joke if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa. Jan 15, 2024, 06:32 - DocAtCDI 85-★ 167

Pun Hub There's only one thing that scares me about Halloween. IG: @PunHubOnline Exactly. Which is? ●00

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Ladyfingers

Do you know what the opposite of ladyfingers is? Mentos.

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Check In

I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Window or aisle?" I laughed in her face and replied, "Window or you'll what?"

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Cows

I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?" I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."

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Equality

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

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Everest

I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, "Is it to scale?" I replied, "No..." "It's to look at."

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Boss

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days I said it must be my weekend immune system

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Adderall

I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta Now it's a Ford Focus

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Knot

[NSFW] When I was little, I discovered I had the uncanny talent of being able to eat two separate pieces of rope, and then later when I pooped them out, they would be tied together. nsfw I s--- you knot.

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Carpenter

Did you hear about the blind carpenter? He picked up the hammer and saw. (my dad told this all the time. I am continuing on with the tradition...)

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Flowers

My wife's mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers I honestly didn't even know she sold flowers

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The horror...of dad

I walked into the kitchen yesterday and I said to my dad hey I'm hungry and my Nickslodeo dad said hi hungry l'm dead DADS JOKE SURVIVORS Nickelc Well, we were having dinner, and Dad had spilled his peas on the table. He looks right at me and said, oh no, I have just peed on the table. FATHERS ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY TELL HUNDREDS OF TERRIBLE DAD JOKES. THE CONSEQUENCES CAN BE DEVASTATING. Dad asks me, have you heard about the new movie constipation ? I was all like, what? No. And he said, it never came out. Who even calls a movie constipation? ISAAC NOW HATES THE FILM INDUSTRY My Dad and I, we were going past the aquarium, and he said to me... How many tickles does it take to make and octopus laugh? And he said ten tickles, like what? Ahhh, tentacles. ABBEY IS NOW SCARED OF AQUARIUMS Hey Dad! Can you make me a sandwich? Guy: And what did Dad say Abracadabra, you are a sandwich. HOLLY HAS AN IDENTITY CRISIS DAD JOKES THEY'RE NOTHING TO LAUGH ABOUT I guess I am a sandwich. VIA 9GAG. COM

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joking

Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes Stephen King has a son named Joe. I'm not joking, but he is.

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-1

Dad Jokes - Bros

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The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week Well it's not a law it's a mandate

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Uploaded Dec 14, 2020 at 11:40AM EST

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