Notes:

I believe you can die from farting too much. I had a particularly bad run last week. I was too lazy to shop so I just scoffed these dates, the pantry was full of them ( dont ask ). Well Jesus f------ Christ I wish I hadn't. For the next three days I literally farted my arse off. Don't laugh, it was f------ terrible. I blatting them out every few minutes, usually in clumps of three to four at a time. All sorts. Whumpers, squealers, buttons, toots, and phwoarers. There was no reprieve. I couldn't do anything without farting. Get up. Fart. Walk across room, fart several times. Do something. Fart. Walk back. Still farting.Now you would think this would end after a day, I thought so. But no, this kept on going. Taking a s--- did nothing.Three s---- later, am still farting like a f-----. You know, at first it was sort of funny. Oops! Lol! sort of funny. But friends, let me tell you after an entire day of non stop farting I was getting worried. Did I mention I was also s------- my arse constantly? What with the little bits of poo that kept getting expelled with my farts. Its true. I would have to keep taking showers to clean my arse and there was a flow of s----- water down my legs and s--- stench. Nasty stuff. The next day I woke up, farting. Where the f--- was this f------ toxic gas coming from? Must have the dates, couldnt have been anything else. So the second day was a repeat. Now it was no longer funny by any means. My arse was actually getting sore and I worried about getting tears. And it really hurt to s---. But the worse part was just the F------ CONSTANT NON F------ STOP FARTING! CHRIST! Several times I cried aloud "WHEN WILL THIS F------ STOP???" I figured I would have to see a doc, but by the end of the third day it had died down. By the fourth day I was back to normal, although my pucker remained a bit tender for a while longer. I am sure if this had gone on much longer I would have died. Cause of Death: Farting. Jesus.