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Me at 19 I have something else that speaks to where my mind was at when I was 19. I didn't want to open up about this at any point, but it's a part of this now. I've mentioned in the past that I didn't live the happiest childhood. Due to an especially traumatic time when I was assaulted as a child, I was left unable to enjoy sex until well into my adult life. The idea of anything sexual beyond edgy teenage jokes on the internet was foreign to me at 19, and I think my awkwardness shows it. While I may not know why I sent every little IM 14 years ago, I know what state my body and mind were in at the time, how I struggled with comprehending anything sexual, and how it hindered my attempts at relationships. Even with people I was comfortable dating, I struggled with concepts like them seeing me naked or enjoying sex for years after that. You can see this in my videos with how inept I was at knowing about sex for so long or how I could say unfortunate things and not know it. Perhaps this is also why I didn't shut things down sooner and how I didn't think of what their overtly sexual messages could mean, besides people just being dumb as f--- at 19. I had no experience or understanding of sexual situations - it took my mom pointing it out for me to see what was going on. I just matched the vibe of my funny friend until it became too much, and then I left. Because of this accusation, I had to explain what I went through as a kid to several friends who wanted an explanation. It was humiliating and excruciating to relive it with them, and I cried every time. I was trying to essentially train myself to publicly tell every detail, but it became clear after enough hard cries and nightmares that I wouldn't be able to do that and be okay. It brought me back to terrible places I thought I was done with. I was doing so well at not letting it affect me for a few years now, but this dredged it all up. And now I'm here telling you. It's out there forever now. I'm sorry. I know it's a lot.

Chuggaaconroy "Me at 19" 3


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Origin Entry: Chuggaaconroy Foot Fetish / Sexual Harassment Allegations

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After communicating with Emile, we would like this message out there. Yes, Emile and I were engaged. Keeping it private was a mutual decision, especially through the first several years. After that, when Emile expressed interest in becoming public, I was hesitant because of how much social pressure was already put on our relationship. He was respectful of that, and we proceeded with the status quo. We do not condone the harassment of any party, and the omission was an effort to prevent speculation about our now very separate personal lives. Ultimately it was a personal matter and a joint decision between two adults. I would like to reiterate that my objective with my previous post was just to be left alone, and that has not changed. I was being asked a lot of invasive questions with increasing frequency, as I'm sure Emile has as well. We do not want to be associated, we do not want to hear of each other moving forward- a mutual sentiment as our paths are now completely separate and we want to move on with our lives. Although I cannot be a part of his journey, I wish Emile luck on his healing and his path forward.
Regardless of my clarifications and context, I definitely still made mistakes and learned lessons, as well as learned new things about how my mind works. I don't want to get carried away and make it sound like I'm 100% blameless. I needed psychiatric help for my depression and roleplay behavior. I took your criticism of my person seriously and am forever working every day to ensure nothing like this could ever happen again. It will not happen again. I'm a fan of numbers, so let me show you. Since privately confronted about this, I: •Saw my therapist 6 times before anything was made public. •Completed 11 behavioral health sessions with a psychologist. Continuing to do so for the foreseeable future. •Spent 5 nights in a mental ward and have met with my doctors twice since then. •Read numerous medical articles to understand my conditions better and how to avoid mistakes. •Have never missed a dosage of 4 medications and supplements that better regulate my brain activity. •Have not ever wanted to roleplay again. •Feel more self-aware and cognizant than at any point in my life up to this point. I can be absolutely certain I would never disappoint you like this again. And I say that knowing you will hold me to a higher standard than ever. I have and always will continue to give it my all in the psychiatric help I sought out. In my mind, nothing after my apology changed that I meant every word and was already in the process of making good on all of this. Months before anything went public. Some of these, I learned and grew from many years ago. I would have been here to tell you this sooner had my mental trauma not kept me from it. I needed to heal.
Moving Forward I'd like to make an ode to my friends. Several reached out the night I came home from the hospital. They didn't want me to be alone and still believed I was a good person. Heck, I think some of you believed I was more innocent than I did. It took me a while to see this your way. I love all of you, my friends. Even if you were critical of me, I cannot bring myself to not love you. Some of it was things I already agreed with, some of it was things I needed to hear. And some of it was telling me this wasn't as bad as I thought. I want to thank my best friend Tim/NintendoCapriSun. He handled so many decisions in all of this for me when I was not well enough to make them for myself. He cooked for me every day when I wasn't allowed near the knives. I think you really saved me. Please support him with all you can. I didn't say this last time. I'm so sorry for all the heartache and worry I caused my friends and caused you. I worked hard every day to make sure I would never make you feel like this again and could be dependable once more. I really didn't mean to do harm here, and feel I've learned about myself in ways I didn't know I needed to. These are positive things.
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    Uploaded Apr 17, 2024 at 10:49AM EDT

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    Chuggaaconroy Foot Fetish / Sexual Harassment Allegations

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