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A lone Battleship of the United Nations Space Association has entered the Ulysses System. It just so happens that today, the 5th of November (Galactic Standard Earth Time), is this virgin vessel's first mission. Though it was three months and six days ago that this ship left the yard, only today shall it be christened.

What will the name of this young warship be?

What will the name of this young man be?

Warship: USS Enterprise
Man: James T Kirk

Ain't no intergalactic United Nations gonna tell the intergalactic United States what to do!
>Make new ship with blackjack and hookers, call it the Freedom.
>Name self George Washington VII

>Hoodlum Slayer V
>Calvin Klein

>The Chrono Trigger

>Tom Adams

Starship: Normandy SR-3

Captain: John Shepard

EDIT: Note that I would have said "Captain: Jen Shepard" because I do prefer FemShep, but OP specifically stated "young man", not "young captain".

You misogynist. /sarcasm

Ship: The Bitch Blaster
Captain: Steve, The Bitch Blaster

Starship: Bathyscaphe.
Captain: Billiam Brentsenphere The 4th.

(( A guide to the display for your convenience ))

Ah, of course!

The UNSA Enterprise, lead by Captain Calvin Adams, a most successful graduate of New Westpoint Aerospace Academy. Look at this marvelous feat of engineering. If the Loadout and Sit-Rep menus were open, there would be space boners everywhere.

However, first things first:

The Enterprise is currently en route to rendezvous with three other Battleships of similar class. A small detachment of a notorious pirate fleet has seized Titania, the first planet in the Ulysses System, a large barren world that exports many millions of tons of tungsten, uranium, and many other heavy elements. Such a planet is almost worth its weight in gold, and its loss will not go unchallenged.

>Press random buttons.

>Seek stupid life forms to conquer and slave…

> Move to assist friendly fleet.

">Seek stupid life forms to conquer and slave…"

Unlikely. The Galaxy is devoid of alien life, as far as anyone can tell. Besides:

This particular system is under an iron fist of law. Er, piracy not withstanding.

"> Move to assist friendly fleet."

Righto.

The Flotilla is now in place. Time to form a line and and gather our wits, form our stratagem, and move out against our-

">Press random buttons."

>Fire the quad laser

> be mesmerised by the blinkenlights in the star system map

> notice the blue asterisk near the friendly fleet and the brown asterisk at the outermost planet

> ask the science officer what the hell does the asterisk mean, "this planet not valid in certain star systems / some restrictions may apply"?

> ask if we can blow it up

> Await further orders.

>do a barrel roll (Sorry, I had to)

Use the explosive lasers.

>go towards those red x's
>ludicrous speed GO!

>Question the presence of a neutral ship

>Wonder why theirs is bigger than yours.

>Press random buttons on the 'assault' panel. and aim whatever it is at their bigger planet

">Fire the quad laser"
"Use the explosive lasers."
">Press random buttons on the ‘assault’ panel."

OH SHIT.

">go towards those red x’s"
">ludicrous speed GO!"

Yeah that.
That wasn't you. You didn't see anything or… anything.

">Question the presence of a neutral ship"
A station. Not like the system is empty save you and them.

"> notice the blue asterisk near the friendly fleet and the brown asterisk at the outermost planet"
"> ask the science officer what the hell does the asterisk mean, “this planet not valid in certain star systems / some restrictions may apply”?"

>what did that fourth laser blast hit? a cloaked ship?
>hail the red ships, claim to be a mole and offer evidence that you took out the blue fleet.
>when they trust you and have their defenses lowered, spin around like an idiot and open fire

>Do a barrel ro-

Actually, what Syndic said.

">hail the red ships, claim to be a mole and offer evidence that you took out the blue fleet."
">when they trust you and have their defenses lowered, spin around like an idiot and open fire"

"Greetings fellow space go-ers!"

"It may interest you to know that I was never a good guy! You see the way I blew them fools up, and I got me some classified-"

Fuck.

> Retreat!

>FIRE ZE MISSILES

Activate the mirrors!

>PRESS EVERY RANDOM BUTTON

>THAT BLUE SHIP WAS CLOAKED
>CLEARLY WE ARE OF THE SAME CLASS
>ACTIVATE THE CLOAK
>DEACTIVATE THe capslock

>pchooooo!

>Activate Shields!
>Fire Kamikaze Missiles!

> Run in circles screaming!

>Everything above this post

>Request that the Vogons kindly do not destroy my home planet Earth. I sent them a cancellation form months ago.

Also, >don't panic

">FIRE ZE MISSILES"
">Fire Kamikaze Missiles!"

YE ZE MISSILES.
ALSO ZE MISSILES ARE ALREADY KAMIKAZE????

">PRESS EVERY RANDOM BUTTON"

AJOEIHGWOIEujoweASDFJKL Semi-Colon

> Helmsman, get us out of here! NOW!

Light yourself on fire and give them a hug.

>Summon Blastoise.
No, wait, wrong Choose Your Own Adventure Thread.
>Preform a pile driver and finish it up with a hay maker.
No, that's the Wrestling Thread…
>Uh, use Surf on a wave of dicks.
Still the Pokemon thread, kinda'.
>Screw it, just activate the force field button and make a hasty-natured retreat. (That increases your Speed stat and decreases your Attack stat, you know. Which means this is still the Pokemon thread.)

There are five floating green letters, and there are five enemy ships.
Launch the five floating letters as projectiles to destroy the enemy ships.

>THE WHOLE PLACE IS COMING DOWN

"CATCH ME IF YOU CAN MOTHA FUCKAS
AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH-"

"HAHAHAHAH AH FUCK."

>Dodge their attacks with a barrel roll

Punch buttons and see if things die!

>Hold A to charge your laser

>surrender
>allow them to board
>activate auto-destruct sequence
>jettison yourself into space

The laser charges.

The Pirates wait patiently, assured that you will once again fuck up.

>dont fuck up
>blast 'em

Your Roll of a D12 goes in your favor, and you pass your attack throw on an 11!

Lvl 24 BattleTech: Maximum Laser Fuck"

YOUR FOES ARE STUNNED BY YOUR AWESOME DISPLAY OF MIGHT.

YOUR MAIN BATTERY IS ALSO FRIED.

>QUICK! LAUNCH DECAYING MAIN BATTERY AS A PROJECTILE!
>Install the replacement battery that is in the storage of the ship.