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Last posted Dec 31, 2009 at 10:54AM EST. Added Dec 13, 2009 at 11:28PM EST
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There was this guy, named Redspear… and yeah.

So, as you all know, I play a Shaman. I’m currently the best geared Shaman in the world (http://www.wowarmory.com/character-sheet.xml?r=Aerie+Peak&n=Darkness) and I have multiple world DPS records on WowMeterOnline. So I go into this Battleground because I feel like gracing my battlegroup with my presence, right? Everyone is cheering as I enter. They don’t bother putting down a mage table or healthstone because they know that they’re not going to need it--I, the Darkness, has come.

So I cast Lightning Shield on myself, because that’s what Shamans do. They call down MOTES OF ELECTRICITY FROM THE HEAVENS and they SURROUND THEMSELVES with DEADLY AMOUNTS OF LIGHTNING!!! All of my teammates are instantly electrocuted to death, but me? I merely bathe in the energy; it is my plaything. Even though my teammates are now charred corpses, they continue to cheer, because they know that I can solo this. The gates open. I run in. With Ghost Wolf, my movement speed is increased by

40% PERCENT

Horde sees me run by but they can’t do anything about it because I’m a ghost and I’m wolfing at

40 PERCENT

a Blood Elf Paladin with Crusader Aura on bubbles and flees in terror when he sees me traveling at

40 PERCENT

They can hear the howl of my ghost wolf. They are all cowering--no, literally, they type the /cower emote and just stand there--as I cap the Stables. I cast WATERWALKING on myself--WATERWALKING, like Jesus, and I careen towards the Blacksmith. The Horde there see me coming and they just /afk the !@#$ out. I put down my totems before I start capping Blacksmith’s flag. A Rogue tries to sap me--

BAM!!

The Rogue is engulfed in flame as my Searing Totem SEARS him from the inside out! His leather clothing EXPLODES in a rain of fire that spirals around my beautiful female Draenei form as I continue to cap the Blacksmith. The fire rips through the Rogue’s bones, but it doesn’t even consider touching me--why? Because I’ve got

FIRE RESIST TOTEM

A Warlock swoops in in Demon Form and tries to Conflag me but his Conflag does 0 damage to me because of

FIRE RESIST TOTEM

A Troll Mage Slowfalls in and he Pyroblasts me but it is ineffective because of

FIRE RESIST TOTEM

Blacksmith caps. I mount up on my KAEL’THAS MOUNT--no, literally, I ride Kael’thas around, the Blood Elf--and head over to Farm, because I feel like eating some potatoes.

POTATOES. BOIL ’EM, MASH ’EM, STICK ’EM IN A STEW. AND HEARTS. SHAMAN DESIRES PALADIN HEARRRRRRRTS.

Just then, I see something through my Sentry Totem. It’s the WoW General Forums! --People are complaining about how overpowered I am! They’re saying that Shamans need to be nerfed. I smirk.

That’s when I decide to take out my HAND OF RAGNAROS.

EIGHTY POINT FOUR DAMAGE PER SECONNNNND

I slam the Hand of Ragnaros down into the ground. Arathi Basin shatters like glass--the ground falls out from under me. The fabric of SPACE itself CRUMBLES beneath my feet. I cackle as I enter the REAL REALM, becoming a TRUE ENTITY existing ON THE PLANET EARTH. I am a Draenei walking around New York--the cops try to stop me, but they forget all about me when they take a gander at my

STONECLAW TOTEM

STONE AND CLAW COMBINED. CAN YOU TAKE IT?

But then, in the spaces between the gathering crowds, I see something. Someone. The smirk on my face deteriorates. .. it’s one of the Horde. A Troll.

I thought I had destroyed Arathi Basin. I thought I had won the Battleground. But all that time--

-But all that time-…

.. there he was. Just standing there. Regenerating 5, health,

per

second.

I glared at the Troll.

The Troll glared back at me.

Silence flooded the world.

“And theres nothing you can do about it” he said…

Hello, I am the ret

I am the retribution paladin, maybe you have heard of me??

I am the one who is doing the melee dps on you.
Or sometimes also, the monster – but that is hard, because several people do not like it when I do that.

Sometimes I am said to "Hey yous, you ret. Get in the “BACK AND TOSSA LE HEALZ

I el oh el at this notion – and substitute my own. Often times my retting has gotten me trouble – for example:

Many people don’t want me to go with them to Karazhan
http://www.bsu.edu/web/nmmakridakis/images/lolret1.jpg

Or even to simpler places, like adventuring inside of a shadow laboratory:
http://www.bsu.edu/web/nmmakridakis/images/lolret8.jpg

Once I even was reported into the AFK’s for being specced ret in a battleground:
http://www.bsu.edu/web/nmmakridakis/images/lolret7.jpg

But I know what I can be capable of doing!! Even the Alliance has known of me:
http://www.bsu.edu/web/nmmakridakis/images/lolret5.jpg

I have already beaten the World of Warcrafting because of ret. The king and Regent Lord have been vanquished:
YOU CAN DO THIS AS A ROGUE? NO! ONLY THE RET!!
http://www.bsu.edu/web/nmmakridakis/images/lolret6.jpg
http://www.bsu.edu/web/nmmakridakis/images/lolret4.jpg

What was the last thing going through General Stormpike’s head as I smashed it with my hammer? I will give you a hint – it rhymes with “OH GOD HE IS THE RET!!”
http://www.bsu.edu/web/nmmakridakis/images/lolret2.jpg

Sometimes when I can finally find pals to do the raidings, I let them know the score right away. I tell THEM who the ret is:
http://www.bsu.edu/web/nmmakridakis/images/lolret3.jpg
They don’t forget at all.

So in conclusion, everybody I wanted you to know me, the ret. One day when more people are ret, I will look behind me and see less twriling fingers making girly heal magics. They will instead be making bruises – OR HOLES with weapons. Onto their enemies’ faces, I think. One day, I will show up for the Karazhan raid, and I will see:
http://www.bsu.edu/web/nmmakridakis/images/helloimtheret.jpg

AND BEHIND ME will be the rogues, who can not spell their own class, who are left behind. And I will say LOLrogue. They will say “YOU ARE THE RET?? I HAVE BEEN PEW PEWED” and cry. I will toss them a 34 crit heal and solemnly say “Yes, I am the ret, it is time for me to go now, because I have raid bosses to pew.” In their anguish and keyboard turning, their A and D keys will explode, leaving them POWERLESS and UNABLE TO MOVE LEFT OR RIGHT – then, we strike in unison.

Thank you for reading bye!

/e
rookie rets, this is how you do it:
http://www.bsu.edu/web/nmmakridakis/images/theretflash.swf

/e
in addition to being a cool guy, you need to also wear a patch – to let the non paladins know:
http://www.bsu.edu/web/nmmakridakis/images/trueret.jpg

/e
be ALSO vigilant – mind your allies. Don’t let this be you:
http://www.bsu.edu/web/nmmakridakis/images/euronoob.jpg

/3
the rets GET the girls – not holys:
http://www.bsu.edu/web/nmmakridakis/images/stephanii.jpg

Dec 13, 2009 at 11:39PM EST
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Skeletor-sm

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