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Where can I get some, how do I use them, and how can I maximize my pleasure?

Was this thread made just for me to post in?

This is the best thread ever.

Amazon or a specialty site, any orifice that you find can accommodate them without damage, and a water-based lubricant.

Use a cactus.

A joystick works too.

If you don't have one, use your drills and scissors.

You know what? scratch it! use an airplane!

So when you get your hands on the right dildo will you show us how you use it, and write a lengthy review?

Abcat123 wrote:

Where can I get some?

You should have been issued one when you first joined the site.

I bet everyone in this thread is speaking from experience.

Best place from what I've heard:

Don't buy any of that cheap stuff. Look for the big ones.

This is how I use my dildo:

It gives me great pleasure.

@Disturbed

That's how dildo's should be used. See I keep saying Saints Row was a realistic tac shooter …

…but nobody believes me

I tried to get a pic but it wouldn't let me copy it
http://www.sickchirpse.com/dildo-gun/

Thanks :)

A Shaqtus is a lot more effective.

This is such a beautiful thread.

Advice? A knife, which I learned yesterday, is NOT a dildo. Just want to put this out there.

Whatever you do, don't wrap sandpaper around it.

This thread is gold

My dildo is gold.

So where do we get to the actual dildo advice?

We should make some good guidelines. I.E: How to know what dildo suits you. Places to buy them. How to insert. Handling techniques. etc etc

*coughcough*

@Connor

I already mentioned them, if you check my earlier posts ;)

Here's my dildo guide (by someone who doesn't actually use a dildo) (WIP)

Step 1: Decide your orifice. There are dildo's for buttholes and vaginas. It's advisable to use the proper dildo for the hole you want to use unless you are experienced. For the vag, you can get dildos that are larger and rougher. For the prostate, you can get prostate massagers that are designed to fit your colon property. But the options out there are endless.

Step 2: Find your ideal size. If you are a beginner with a tight butthole, you may need to start with something small around 12-15cm long. Don't forget that buttholes don't go quite as deep and don't stretch as easily as a vagina so when using your butthole, you may want to start with something smaller

The more you use dildos and the more practice you get, the more you can accommodate larger sizes. More experiences dildoteers may prefer something larger up to 44cm long

Step 3: Get into position. From my (one) experience, taking a dildo anally it worked lying face down with the butt pointed out and legs tucked under. I had a GF do the insertion for me, but you should also able to reach around yourself. For vaginas, you probably need no help with this one.

(Someone who uses dildos more, please help me fill out this part on positions. There's probably lots of positions)

Step 4: Lube it up and insert. Don't push it in all the way, keep a firm grip

Step 5: Techniques (Again, can a dildo user complete this part for techniques?)

Can anyone help finish this guide?

Help me guys! I don't know which orifice it belongs in! (I'm a male spider if that helps at all.)

I know what dildo you could use.
A road spike.

@Blue
Here's my experienced opinion:
Step 1: Dildos r 4 guize so put it in ur butt
Step 2: Git one that's 14" in circumference and a foot long
Stap 3: sit on it
Step 4: lube is for pussies, bit the pillow and go in dry
StEp 5: sit on it again, and again, and so on

But no really, I'll write one tomorrow, I am an expert on the subject (as you know). :3

Guise I mistook super glue for lube. Please help. Or maybe not, this is actually my fetish.

You are such a whore, Blue. Why can't I met you in real life?

I have a question about dildos. How do you keep them from getting dirty? I know every time I stick my fingers up my butt they always come out brown and smelling like poop. I imagine the same thing must happen with dildos (or anything that goes in there). I don't want shit stained dildos lying around my house. Are dildos easy to clean? Must I take them to the shower every time I use one?

Thread of the year 2014.

Whoa…wait, what?! WHAT?!
Okay, now that I've got my disbelief out of the way, the only advice I can offer that isn't already up is this:
CLEAN OUT YER BUTT, DUDE! Before you do any backdoor stuff, mind. Douche bags are pretty common enough. Maybe try to look as 'not you' as possible when purchasing so people don't know it's you. Or even go out of town to get one if you're really paranoid.
(And don't stop at just one go; there's plenty of poop backed up in there to ruin your day)

Most pornos would have you believe butts clean and lube themselves before any action. And these pornos are such fibbers. Porn stars even go so far as to not eat for a whole day to stop any waste from building up; but I wouldn't recommend that because it sounds pretty unhealthy.

Last but not least, if you're planning on pushing anything past where your prostate is. relax, get ready for a bit of pain, and don't push too hard trying to get past it. Last thing you want is to end up like Mr.Hands (do not Google Mr.Hands!).

And don't use any anti-bacterial soaps or any liquids meant for the outside of your body as substitutes for lube. (some hand-lotions are an exception). It will burn quite fierce if there are too many chemicals in said liquids.

Yay, let's dildo hard!

Use the pointy end?

Okay, so I bought one for the misses, but she ignored the dildo completely and tried to eat me. There's no pleasing her… (She's a black widow by the way. I can't resist dat ass…)

All right, so I began sitting on one that was maybe a little too big for me by a few meters. I barely survived and needed intense medical treatment at the "Embarrassing Sexual Injuries Hospital" at the dildo ward. Now that my asshole is mostly intact, I will attempt again and come back to you guys with the results by trying a dildo a foot less in girth and maybe three meters less in length. Using lube this time might help too.

Now all we need is Sniper and a few gallons of water.

Protip: when obtaining a dildo, use it to masturbate.

I hate you for reminding me of that.

@Disturbed

I have a question about dildos. How do you keep them from getting dirty? I know every time I stick my fingers up my butt they always come out brown and smelling like poop. I imagine the same thing must happen with dildos (or anything that goes in there). I don’t want shit stained dildos lying around my house. Are dildos easy to clean? Must I take them to the shower every time I use one?

As someone mentioned earlier, you may need to use a douchebag to really prevent that from happening. Sounds like you have a busy colon if that's happening every time.

I can also recommend you take a dump BEFORE trying anything anally and make sure you wipe it good.

Diet is also a factor. There are clean diets and pooey diets. Do some researching on an optimal diet for less colon mess. Usually that means have a healthier and more nutritious diet. Avoid greasy oily foods, fatty condiments and refrain from tons of alcohol. As unhealthy food like that is a good contributor towards sticky, sloppy craps that cause messy problems for you later when you try anal

Okay guys, I tried the smaller one, and it chafed a bit, but overall it was a very pleasant experience. Anyone know any good positions for me to try out?

@Disturbed B

Don't worry, that's what this thread is for! We're all cool with ridiculous wuestions that would get you banned from Arby's in any normal environment. Ask anything you want!

…….Gee, now I feel embarrassed for asking.

You should never feel embarrassed about asking for sex advice on the internet. Or maybe you should. I don't really know.

And by "write tomorrow," I meant the day after that. -.-

Yes. And you will fucking enjoy it.

Water hose is a good dildo

Okay I guess I'm not embarrassed anymore. All this advice might be useful to me someday…

(By the way, I don't want you guys to think that I stick my fingers up my butt all the time. I've only done it twice and with just one finger.)