The Waffle House Effect: 'Wafflegate' And Beyond

You wake up with your head on a greasy table, look up and see the shoddy round lamps flickering above you. The world suddenly feels surreal, and as the hangover buzzes through your mind you smell the grease and burning eggs. Suddenly, fear fills you as you recognize where you are. You don’t know how you got here — no one ever does. But now your drunken night of partying has sucked you into the only place that’s still open at the ungodly hours of the morning: the local Waffle House.

Americans know Waffle House all too well. Is it good? Not particularly, but it’s a part of the lifestyle in this country for many. When the founding fathers created our government, they did so with the intention of establishing a Waffle House on every street corner. And yet, no one in the history of ever has gone out with the intention of ending up at Waffle House — it’s just an inevitable conclusion.

The other day, a U.S. Senatorial Candidate went into a Waffle House. Unbeknownst to him, he was about to start a chain of events known as “Wafflegate.” On February 3rd, former Representative Mark Walker walked into a Wafflehouse for a 10 p.m. dinner of hash browns, toast and an omelet with nothing in it. Then, he took to Twitter to criticize the food. Thousands of Twitter users roasted him for his food choice and apparent misunderstanding of the kind of food you’ll get at a standard Waffle House. Needless to say, he will probably not be elected now after insulting this unlikely national treasure.

The internet watched a man kill his political career by tweeting from Waffle House. But much worse tragedies have happened in the diner chain before. The Waffle House company obviously won’t release the official number of people who have died in their stores, but at this point, it appears to be in the hundreds. The number of casual murders and violent crimes that happen in a Waffle House is a bit alarming.

If you look up “Waffle House” right now, you’ll find dozens of articles about amateur robberies, waitresses being stabbed and just generally disgusting behavior from hundreds of Americans at the late-night diner — and that’s because there’s some sort of Lovecraftian energy in every Waffle House. Once you walk through the doors, you become one with the restaurant. There is no longer you … just like the drunken, confused diners around you, you’ve been pulled into the hive mind. You and Waffle House are now one entity.

No matter how many people are stabbed or shot in a Waffle House, Waffle Houses will never be shut down. Waffle House is stronger than the force of our weak human lives. One day, we will die (maybe at a Waffle House), and yet the diner will live on for decades to come. Eventually, even gods will die, and all that is left will be the silhouette of a Waffle House in front of an apocalyptic skyline.

It’s easy to see why Waffle House is a frequent meme topic. We’re all memeing about dark topics, and there’s nothing darker than the thought of ending up in a Waffle House. With the number of casual murders that occur there, completely unprovoked, it can’t possibly compare to any other chain restaurant.

From Wafflegate to the mere existentialism one feels while sitting in one of those ugly red booths, there’s meme material everywhere in a Waffle House. The Waffle House effect is universal and undeniable, and one cannot truly enter or exit a Waffle House unchanged. You’ll have to make a meme about it after your post-midnight dinner just to reclaim your sanity. And every American loves Waffle House memes — just be sure not to criticize their hashbrowns on Twitter, or you might just lose your senatorial election.

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