Forums / Fun! / Riff-Raff

The title is pretty self-explanatory. Post copypasta.

O.K. this is how it goes. You get an orangutan. I'm not talking a little
monkey or some dancing chimp bullshit, I mean a fucking orangutan.
Don't ask me how you're gonna get a fucking orangutan, that's not my
problem. So the orangutan's name is Clyde. This is non-negotianable, all
orangutans are named Clyde. I don't know why that is, it's just how the
world works. So you and Clyde become man (and ape) about town. You're
seen everywhere together, you make the scene. You and friends go out in
big groups. You talk loud, you laugh louder. Every time you say
something witty you high-five the orangutan. The town begins to buzz. It
gets back to her. "Did you know the guy with the orangutan?", "You used
to date the guy with the orangutan?", "Why would you break up with a guy
with an orangutan?" Next thing you know she's calling.
"I'm hoping we can still be friends. Wanna hang out sometime." "Geez I
dunno, me and Clyde were going to go to a monster truck race tonight.
(orangutans love monster trucks) In fact the whole social calender seems
kinda full. I tell you what, I'll make a little note (what was your name
again?) and maybe I can squeeze you in." "Oh, well you know my number so
don't be a stra-" "Hey look at the time! I gotta skate, Clyde's making
Mojitos'."
At this point the upper hand is yours. You can let her twist in the
wind, you can draw her back into your life at the pace you decide.
Whatever, it's your life. But if you're a smart man? You slowly phase
her back in. You're IM'ng. You're talking on Live. You get invited to
family functions. You bring Clyde, he becomes like one of the family.
You're one big Brady Bunch.
Then the orangutan fucks her mother.

cool a thread of big walls of text you didn't even come up with

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

I don't give a rat's ass if you didn't come up with it or not, you cheeky little shit. You have something to say, fucker? Come on, spill it. I fucking dare you. What's the matter, you gonna back down now? Of course you are, you pansy. I suggest you shut your fucking mouth next time. Peace, fucker.

How'd I do?

that was really bad tbh

Found on Youtube somewhere from a guy called Miles Anderson.

Listen here you pimple little git its my JOB to detect fraudulent pixels and i'm telling you its fake. You have no credibility while I have over 5 years of working here and aced all my classes in pixeltography. Get it together, you just got Obliterated. #realtalk

As far as I know, this one's from Youtube.
o'mn who el'se thi'nk da't i's stupi'd in fur'tur so unreal'itic dey ha'v me'ckz and las'erz it is re'trd for retrd a'nd i wis'h it was lik all the las't games d'ey were super r'eal becas d gunp'lay was reelis'tic and d' tropps u ki'll all charg'e at u realisi'call an yu cud be a ninj'a wit a a sniper'z but da new game is lik'e tr'yin som'etin new an trying to be a bit less borin oo agree da't it wil be chit>?

Whenever I get a package of plain M&M's, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I make them have M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my forefinger and thumb, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the 'loser' and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner get to go to the next round.

I have found that, in general, brown and red M&Ms are tougher, while the blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense ring of competition and cracks under the pressure of being in the modern candy and snack food world.

Occasionally I will come across a mutation, a candy that is mishapen, pointier or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this seems to be a weakness but on very rare occassions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the candy continues to adapt in it's enviroment.

When I finish the package, I am left with one M&M. The strongest of the herd. Since it wouldn't make any sense to eat this one as well, I package it up with a letter that says "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes" and send it back to
M&M Mars, A division of Mars INC in Hackettstown, NJ

They wrote back this week thanking me and gve me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of M&MS.

This weekend there will be a tournament of epic protortions.

There can only be one champion.

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REMOVE KEBAB remove kebab
you are worst turk. you are the turk idiot you are the turk smell. return to croatioa. to our croatia cousins you may come our contry. you may live in the zoo….ahahahaha ,bosnia we will never forgeve you. cetnik rascal FUck but fuck asshole turk stink bosnia sqhipere shqipare..turk genocide best day of my life. take a bath of dead turk..ahahahahahBOSNIA WE WILL GET YOU!! do not forget ww2 .albiania we kill the king , albania return to your precious mongolia….hahahahaha idiot turk and bosnian smell so bad..wow i can smell it. REMOVE KEBAB FROM THE PREMISES. you will get caught. russia+usa+croatia+slovak=kill bosnia…you will ww2/ tupac alive in serbia, tupac making album of serbia . fast rap tupac serbia. we are rich and have gold now hahahaha ha because of tupac… you are ppoor stink turk… you live in a hovel hahahaha, you live in a yurt

Woke up this morning 11:30 sharp with a blowjob from two loli’s, one was trying to fit my humongous 3 ounce balls in her mouth while the other was choking halfway on my 1 and 3\8 inch dick. Must have came about a teaspoon of sperm.
They wanted more, cockslapped them unconscious, I had to hit the playgrounds.
Frontflipped down the stairs from the 2nd floor of parents house into my street parked 1970 AMC Gremlin (I got connections) and gave some bum .05$ in loose change. Pushed my shit to about 4 tens (mph, mind you) and I was at the preschool in no time.
When I entered, the room scent suddenly changed from sweat to dirty pull-ups. That’s just the effect I have on hoes.
Did my usual chilax routine, 60 donuts, 8 crunch bars, bacon 3 plates, etc. etc. you know the drill. After doing my shit in 16 minutes,
my super strong senses got in action, I was smelling pussy. I looked up, and sure enough this fly honey was coming towards me.
When i say fly, I mean that bitch was fine as a fucking umbrella. 8 years old, mosquito bite titties on a tight fucking frame.
I mean a real skinny bitch, the type you losers jack off to, she didn’t weigh more than 5 pounds. Took out my trouser monster and she started to squirt hard, she was convulsing and having 6 orgasms at the same time.
Then I gave it to her while all the janitors were giving me high fives and all the hoes were on the floor squirting like motherfucking fountains. Made the slut beg for my cum, but I didn’t give it to her to prove a point, I still came but only compressed air came out,
imagine your best orgasm, then multiply it by patato. Didn’t say nothing, hopped back in the Gremlin and went back home. Now I’m sitting here, drinking 1.00$ faygo and eating gold fluffy twinkies made by the 2 bitches from earlier. Its only 6:30 and I did more in 1 hour than you faggots will do your whole life. Enjoy jacking off to stupid drawn pictures.

Dear 4chan,
Congratulations, you got a reaction from users. That’s what you wanted, right? Well, I’ve decided I don’t like people like you. You’ve messed with the community of the wrong psychopath. Before you get excited, you haven’t even made me angry. I am a hard person to make angry. However, I despise people like you.
Your pitiful hacking skills are hilarious. Hacking accounts and putting up proxies are level 1. Can you hack into encrypted files? Can you tear through firewalls without leaving a mark? Your silly little proxy won’t protect you. I’ve hacked into many computers and spied on the users. I’ve hacked into games. I have been hacking since I had a computer. It’s what I was raised to do.
You have no idea to the extent of fear which you should be feeling. All you are is just a community of internet creeps. Have you ever murdered anyone? I have no empathy and I will probably feel joy peeling your skin off your face.
You think I’m giving you an empty threat? Believe that. I have contacts in dark places that you don’t want to know about. If you live even close to me you better fear for your life.
Track my IP if you want to, but I am smart enough to use a library computer. Hack into my account if you want, but it’ll just make it easier for me to track you.
With love,
A psychopath
P.S. I would fear for your life while you still have it.