It's humiliating to tell you even this much. In order to be believed, I have to tell everyone about my childhood trauma, my sex life, my health issues, my breakup, what went on in therapy, the mental ward, how my accuser wanted to use me for sex, and how I almost died because of this. It's extremely painful to talk about. People think they're owed that from me, and no one will listen if I just say "I didn't mean that" or "I was only a teenager." This is the price I've paid to show I wasn't preying on someone. I refuse to call it a win that I could explain myself in this way. I didn't win when I went through that. After my recent psychological training, I think my childhood trauma is also how I went through so much of life thinking that there was a clear line between my kink and my interest in shoes; also just how "normal" the roleplay felt. I had only my interest for most of my life; my roleplaying started innocently long before I enjoyed anything physical or even knew I had a kink. All I knew for a long time was, "I think shoes are funny," and I didn't think it was particularly strange that I worked them into stories or talked about them so much. I would act out stories about my own shoes when I was little and just never really stopped doing things like that. It's also where a lot of my sense of humor has always been, and it really was just a joke for many years. The realization that there could be some crossover happened much later in life. I compartmentalized things into what was sexual and what wasn't, probably because I did it for so long without a kink and thought I could go on separating those things by not saying anything arousing for me. It was just very messy and flawed logic for a lot of reasons and intertwined with something I struggled to make sense of. I definitely needed psychiatric help for this, and I'm really sorry to everyone I hurt because of it.

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After communicating with Emile, we would like this message out there. Yes, Emile and I were engaged. Keeping it private was a mutual decision, especially through the first several years. After that, when Emile expressed interest in becoming public, I was hesitant because of how much social pressure was already put on our relationship. He was respectful of that, and we proceeded with the status quo. We do not condone the harassment of any party, and the omission was an effort to prevent speculation about our now very separate personal lives. Ultimately it was a personal matter and a joint decision between two adults. I would like to reiterate that my objective with my previous post was just to be left alone, and that has not changed. I was being asked a lot of invasive questions with increasing frequency, as I'm sure Emile has as well. We do not want to be associated, we do not want to hear of each other moving forward- a mutual sentiment as our paths are now completely separate and we want to move on with our lives. Although I cannot be a part of his journey, I wish Emile luck on his healing and his path forward.

Regardless of my clarifications and context, I definitely still made mistakes and learned lessons, as well as learned new things about how my mind works. I don't want to get carried away and make it sound like I'm 100% blameless. I needed psychiatric help for my depression and roleplay behavior. I took your criticism of my person seriously and am forever working every day to ensure nothing like this could ever happen again. It will not happen again. I'm a fan of numbers, so let me show you. Since privately confronted about this, I: •Saw my therapist 6 times before anything was made public. •Completed 11 behavioral health sessions with a psychologist. Continuing to do so for the foreseeable future. •Spent 5 nights in a mental ward and have met with my doctors twice since then. •Read numerous medical articles to understand my conditions better and how to avoid mistakes. •Have never missed a dosage of 4 medications and supplements that better regulate my brain activity. •Have not ever wanted to roleplay again. •Feel more self-aware and cognizant than at any point in my life up to this point. I can be absolutely certain I would never disappoint you like this again. And I say that knowing you will hold me to a higher standard than ever. I have and always will continue to give it my all in the psychiatric help I sought out. In my mind, nothing after my apology changed that I meant every word and was already in the process of making good on all of this. Months before anything went public. Some of these, I learned and grew from many years ago. I would have been here to tell you this sooner had my mental trauma not kept me from it. I needed to heal.

Moving Forward I'd like to make an ode to my friends. Several reached out the night I came home from the hospital. They didn't want me to be alone and still believed I was a good person. Heck, I think some of you believed I was more innocent than I did. It took me a while to see this your way. I love all of you, my friends. Even if you were critical of me, I cannot bring myself to not love you. Some of it was things I already agreed with, some of it was things I needed to hear. And some of it was telling me this wasn't as bad as I thought. I want to thank my best friend Tim/NintendoCapriSun. He handled so many decisions in all of this for me when I was not well enough to make them for myself. He cooked for me every day when I wasn't allowed near the knives. I think you really saved me. Please support him with all you can. I didn't say this last time. I'm so sorry for all the heartache and worry I caused my friends and caused you. I worked hard every day to make sure I would never make you feel like this again and could be dependable once more. I really didn't mean to do harm here, and feel I've learned about myself in ways I didn't know I needed to. These are positive things.

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Chuggaaconroy "Me at 19" 3

Me at 19 I have something else that speaks to where my mind was at when I was 19. I didn't want to open up about this at any point, but it's a part of this now. I've mentioned in the past that I didn't live the happiest childhood. Due to an especially traumatic time when I was assaulted as a child, I was left unable to enjoy sex until well into my adult life. The idea of anything sexual beyond edgy teenage jokes on the internet was foreign to me at 19, and I think my awkwardness shows it. While I may not know why I sent every little IM 14 years ago, I know what state my body and mind were in at the time, how I struggled with comprehending anything sexual, and how it hindered my attempts at relationships. Even with people I was comfortable dating, I struggled with concepts like them seeing me naked or enjoying sex for years after that. You can see this in my videos with how inept I was at knowing about sex for so long or how I could say unfortunate things and not know it. Perhaps this is also why I didn't shut things down sooner and how I didn't think of what their overtly sexual messages could mean, besides people just being dumb as f--- at 19. I had no experience or understanding of sexual situations - it took my mom pointing it out for me to see what was going on. I just matched the vibe of my funny friend until it became too much, and then I left. Because of this accusation, I had to explain what I went through as a kid to several friends who wanted an explanation. It was humiliating and excruciating to relive it with them, and I cried every time. I was trying to essentially train myself to publicly tell every detail, but it became clear after enough hard cries and nightmares that I wouldn't be able to do that and be okay. It brought me back to terrible places I thought I was done with. I was doing so well at not letting it affect me for a few years now, but this dredged it all up. And now I'm here telling you. It's out there forever now. I'm sorry. I know it's a lot.

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Chuggaaconroy April 2024 Statement on Lawly 15

I think the whole picture here changes everything about their side of those logs. Their framing of events to make me look like the predator really upset me when I saw this again. Regardless of some jokes on a screen, this is the real tragedy I prevented from happening. I refused to be their friend for so much less than their actual motive. It wasn't just me either - they said they targeted multiple other adults for sex. My feelings about this are complicated. It's horrible in so many ways that they wanted to use me for underage sex and then frame it like I was preying on them because of some text from 14 years ago. But I also feel for them when I think about how bad their situation probably was.

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Chuggaaconroy April 2024 Statement on Lawly 16

As for the modern stuff they showed, that was after more than a decade of no contact. I had only vague recollections of what our conversations were like back then, and years into this new friendship, I was asking if, as adults, they wanted to text roleplay but spicy. I was forward about that so they wouldn't think I just wanted silly stuff like I remembered us doing. For the record, I was single, and they were fine with me asking. I wasn't in a good headspace when I asked them for roleplay stuff; it was the worst year of my life. I think I just wanted to feel close to someone I cared about in that loneliness, she told me she liked/missed roleplay, so I thought it natural to ask. Plus by that point, we'd been friends again for years; it was 12 years since I cut contact, I didn't even remember most of our old talks, and we'd put our awkward past behind us, so any bad implications weren't exactly there for me. Save for the one time they ran into me as an adult, I have only ever known this person online. Nothing else ever happened. This was the first time I'd asked them for anything since learning what I liked. More on that in a second. If Lawly is reading this, I'm sorry I made you hurt. I don't think what I've said changes that. I mean it.

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Chuggaaconroy April 2024 Statement on Lawly 17

Though, I guess I'm surprised at this. We were friends up until this, got along better as adults, and I was glad to have you in my life without that inappropriate crush. It was basic knowledge to both of us that you were the one who wanted me and I shut it down. I even apologized last year for asking for roleplay stuff and you said you forgave me and considered me a “true friend.” I don't really know what you were thinking. I didn't even remember these chats, so I was genuinely confused by what you'd even be speaking out about when I heard it was you. It hurt a lot to see you say that you don't know if I ever considered you a real friend. I told you that you were awesome and funny and smart. A lot. We got each other through difficult times, you were a bright spot in my darkest time, and I admired you for it. I spent your birthday with you. You mattered to me so much and we just had a nice conversation about how much we care about each other right before this too. I want you to know that I cried when I wrote this because it was the moment where it really hit me that I will never speak to you again. The hardest part of all this was going through our chats to find proof of my intentions. In doing so, I opened a time capsule of a beautiful friendship that doesn't exist any more and saw all the very real ways we helped each other. I wish you talked to me about it. I would have listened. I saw you as a friend for life. Please don't get angry at the person who posted those chat logs. They were looking out for their friend/my former friend, and it's possible they didn't have this context either. They were being a good friend.

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Chuggaaconroy April 2024 Statement on Lawly 14

This next point is something I was unsure about publishing for months. I hate that this is relevant, and I would not be sharing this if they didn't post anonymously. I cut contact with them thinking they just had an innocent crush that needed to stop. It was a lot worse than that. I was disturbed to find they admitted that in those old chats, their goal was to manipulate me into having sex with them. Here are two separate times they told me this story, as well as a time we briefly touched on it.

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Chuggaaconroy April 2024 Statement on Lawly 13

Was there humor not acceptable by today's standards? Sure. But this was half of my life ago now. I lacked the experience I have now, and I think this shows I had no romantic or physical interest in them as a teen. And even back then, once I knew it wasn't a game to them, I rejected it and backed off. It upset me when I learned they wanted me. It put so many things they said into perspective and creeped me out. And I can see it when I read this log again. This was my learning experience about why even jokes like this aren't a good idea, and I've never said anything like this to a minor in the 14 years since. I specifically remember telling my mom that leaving that friendship was the most caring thing to do for this person. Speaking as someone who suffered a lot as a child, I have many ground rules involving minors and have taken these sorts of things immensely seriously ever since. I read through all of it, and to my surprise, she's the one who initiates the roleplay. She's the one who pretends to tickle my feet, and goes much further than that too. She was the origin of it, at least in this chat. I don't know if she's where I got the idea from, but it's possible. I guess it's neither here nor there, I didn't know I was into that at 19 anyway.

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Chuggaaconroy April 2024 Statement on Lawly 12

Chuggaaconroy 06/23/2021 3:03 AM Chat with Lawly Mannn, I am so happy you never got hurt back then. So, so happy. Rng, right? 06/23/2021 3:03 AM Chuggaaconroy 06/23/20213:03 AM You are the luckiest person alive.

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Chuggaaconroy April 2024 Statement on Lawly 11

Oh! 06/07/2021 5:26 PM Chat with Lawly Yeah! And I am as well 5:27 PM I guess it just seemed like an unrelated statement I also remember uhh You were like rly off put by my age But I was like I don't see the problem Because always talked about younger girls being better So I was like legitimately???? Chuggaaconroy 06/07/2021 5:28 PM You told me that story, it's kind of messed up. 06/07/2021 5:28 PM It is honestly a miracle no one took advantage f me as a kid Chuggaaconroy 06/07/20215:28 PM I'll say it is. You're very fortunate in that way. 06/07/2021 5:28 PM Like I wanted an older dude rly badly when I was a kid too Like I literally had a goal to have underage sex And was depressed when I turned 16 HAHAHAH

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Chuggaaconroy April 2024 Statement on Lawly 10

Chuggaaconroy 05/22/2021 12:08 AM Chat with Lawly But absolutely, I would not have let you do that regardless of how well we got along. 05/22/2021 12:10 AM Younger me would be disappointed Current me appreciates it Chuggaaconroy 05/22/2021 12:10 AM Hahaha, good! I'm glad you grew up.

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Chuggaaconroy April 2024 Statement on Lawly 9

No clue :) 05/21/2021 6:36 PM told me younger was better So I thought you'd like me more if I told you my Ge Age Chuggaaconroy 05/21/2021 6:37 PM Chat with Lawly Yeah, I would not have gone for a 14 year old when I was 18, so I can't say I agree with him there. Four years isn't so bad this far in, but at 14, you're still finding a lot of what life is and I'd see that as predatory. Yeeahhhh 05/21/2021 6:38 PM Tuh When I was inderage Underage I wanted to f--- an older guy so badly lmfao It just so happened all the predators around me were inept as f--- And I just trolled them for being thirsty Lmaooo Chuggaaconroy 05/21/2021 6:39 PM Oh my God, ooooof... I'm very thankful you didn't end up with one of those! H--------. I can see really warped your views 05/21/2021 6:44 PM He really did!! Thankfully I have O sexual attraction to people u less I love them 1** and all the thirsty weirdos didn't do it for me And I was and am an a------ So I literally justfucked with them Chuggaaconroy 05/21/2021 6:47 PM Man, here I thought you had a harmless childhood crush on me. Didn't know you wanted to f--- me asap, pahahaha... 05/21/2021 6:49 PM I am violently sexual :)

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Chuggaaconroy April 2024 Statement on Lawly 8

Another side of this is that I confided in them as a teen about the girl I liked at the time. It's not them. [08:28] chuggaaconroy: There's this girl who I think might like me and I told her something like that last night, I swear to God, she got so risen up from her depression, hahaa 08:291 Lawly: Is she someone you know personally--or just another fan? (08:291 chuggaaconroy: She started off as a fan, she's hopefully going to this thing in June that I'm gonna be at for a few weeks. [08:29] chuggaaconroy: Pretty much all my friends are begging me to go for her in that time. hahaha 108:30] Lawly: You has an online love, eh? > W> 108:30] chuggaaconroy: I really don't know if she likes me or not, but I sorta suspect she might 108:31] Lawly: Most likely yes. I mean.. you're awesome. xD

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Chuggaaconroy April 2024 Statement on Lawly 7

Chuggaaconroy 06/07/2021 10:04 PM Chat with Lawly I knew. At least, I was pretty sure of it. Once my mom said that, I sort of analyzed a lot of things you'd said and done. It made a lot more sense after that. 06/07/2021 10:04 PM Did you think I was a cop or something? Haha Chuggaaconroy 06/07/2021 10:04 PM I mean, I was pretty sure you were you, but I didn't want to abuse or hurt you with an unfair relationship. So regardless it was a hard no from me at the time 06/07/2021 10:07 PM Hahaha honestly? As an adult I can appreciate that you set a boundary Chuggaaconroy 06/07/2021 10:08 PM I'm glad! I was worried you wouldn't like me any more back then because I was intentionally snubbing you at least some of the time. It was something of a relief when you were happy to see me at ConBravo! 06/07/2021 10:12 PM I just figured you were busy with life and moved on haha Chuggaaconroy 06/07/2021 10:12 PM I kind of had that as a passive excuse! I was hitting the big time around then. I've always enjoyed spending time with you, but at those ages, I wasn't going to let something develop on either side. I wanted you to go find other people. You were still a kid and wouldn't have that time again.

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Chuggaaconroy Foot Fetish / Sexual Harassment Allegations - Chuggaaconroy "Me at 19" 2

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It's humiliating to tell you even this much. In order to be believed, I have to tell everyone about my childhood trauma, my sex life, my health issues, my breakup, what went on in therapy, the mental ward, how my accuser wanted to use me for sex, and how I almost died because of this. It's extremely painful to talk about. People think they're owed that from me, and no one will listen if I just say "I didn't mean that" or "I was only a teenager." This is the price I've paid to show I wasn't preying on someone. I refuse to call it a win that I could explain myself in this way. I didn't win when I went through that. After my recent psychological training, I think my childhood trauma is also how I went through so much of life thinking that there was a clear line between my kink and my interest in shoes; also just how "normal" the roleplay felt. I had only my interest for most of my life; my roleplaying started innocently long before I enjoyed anything physical or even knew I had a kink. All I knew for a long time was, "I think shoes are funny," and I didn't think it was particularly strange that I worked them into stories or talked about them so much. I would act out stories about my own shoes when I was little and just never really stopped doing things like that. It's also where a lot of my sense of humor has always been, and it really was just a joke for many years. The realization that there could be some crossover happened much later in life. I compartmentalized things into what was sexual and what wasn't, probably because I did it for so long without a kink and thought I could go on separating those things by not saying anything arousing for me. It was just very messy and flawed logic for a lot of reasons and intertwined with something I struggled to make sense of. I definitely needed psychiatric help for this, and I'm really sorry to everyone I hurt because of it.

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