I just watched the movie Heat and that got me thinking that we should pull a heist. I got the perfect target. I need 5 guys plus myself to pull this off so here is how it’s going down.
(Note, you will read the following in Robert Deniro’s voice)
Okay, pack your bags boys cause we’re hitting a magical place called Equestria. Don’t get your knicers in a twist, we do this right and no pony gets so much of as a scratch on them.
Hitting a bank? Safe? Royal Treasury? No. Rarity’s Boutique. Wondering why? That’s why I’m planning this op and you ain’t. We hit the mountains surrounding Ponyville in Grey Camo till we see Rarity on her routine trips in the mountains. Keep your distance and if we’re lucky we’re not spotted, if we are spotted we make a getaway and hope she thinks we’re diamond dogs because what other grey bipedal animal is gonna be there?
We gear up. All black tactical gear. Travel light, no heavy Kevlar shit or helmets, no Assault rifles and nothing heavier than a silenced pistol and night vision gear. Leave the rest of the tacticool operator bullshit at home
We wait till night and then we hit. Ponies are all in bed by 8pm like good citizens but only one is awake that late, Twilight Sparkle. So we post a two man sniper team to keep surveillance and warn us if she decides to go out for a walk. The two man team will be dac-attack on the Rifle and Verbose on the Binocs. She walks outside her building, fire a tracer round through a potted plant or something and grab her attention and then get to one of the exfiltration points. Make sure your bullet is angled so it hits the ground, don’t want the round penetrating walls and hurting a poor pony. Why these two? cause Dac is going on about how he’s so fit and outdoorsy so he’ll need to run if Twilight gives chase (which I doubt) and Verbose? Well, I’m guessing he’s the most likely not to fall asleep watching Twilight Sparkle at night (sick freak). A side note, if for some reason one of the Alicorns are there. Mission is abort. Verbose moves to exfil point and Dac signals three flashlight flashes in a predetermined location then exfils
The main four man team will consist of myself, badsitrep (AFROTC training isn’t ideal for this op but I’ll take hat I can get), Karnage (creepypasta and grimdark poster will have less moral qualms about breaking an entering) and CitationNeeded (Rainbow Dash fan will enjoy pranking Rarity). We do this simple, straight through the front door. A nail through the old style lock and we’re in. Slow and quiet, not a sound. badsitrep will stay in a hidden position with a tranq rifle and a clear LOS to the stairs, all of us will stay out of his LOS at all times, Citation keeps a visual on a predetermined sight to spot the Luna signal. Me and Karnage find the chest with the gems and signal with three quick flashes of your flashlight. No sound. Shouldn’t take more than 30 seconds. Get in, Get Out, Get Paid. Rarity wakes up and comes down, sitrep puts her back to sleep and mission is abort, grab any old gem and exfil out of there the same way we came.
The hope diamond is 200 million dollars worth. Any single gem from Rarity’s collection makes the hope diamond look like a cheap made in China glass imitation jewelry. A chest can hold let’s say 500 gems giving us around 100 billion dollars to split 6 ways. About 16 billion each. Rarity is mildly inconvenienced and we become richer than we ever dream
(Continued in part II)