Billy Mays (1999)NSFW

Vital Info

Willam “Billy” Mays Jr. Was born on July 20th, 1958 in Mckees Rocks, Pennsylvania. He is a famous TV pitchman for various products and is easily recognizible thanks to his trademark beard and his over-the-top style of selling products.

From Humble Beginnings

Billy Mays’ advertising career started when he would sell products to people on the boardwalk in Atlantic City, New Jersey. He moved up to home shows, auto shows and state fairs across the United States of America.

Billy Mays befriended Max Appel founder of Orange Glo international, who hired him to sell cleaning products such as Oxiclean, Orange Glo and other products.

The Man In Action

Oxiclean

Big City Slider

Orange Glo

Mighty Putty

Internet Relevance

Billy Mays’ distinct way of talking and acting make him easily parodied. The internet has found several ways to replicate Billy’s style.

Re-dubs

Profane All-caps Copypasta, Akin to Those of George Zimmer

HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH KABOOM. DO YOU HAVE LOTS OF DIRTY SHIT IN YOUR HOUSE THAT NEEDS ALL CLEANED UP? THEN BUY SOME OF THIS GODDAMN KABOOM. THIS SHIT COULD CLEAN THE WARTS OFF YOUR SISTER’S VAGINA. YOU CAN PUT SOME KABOOM ON YOUR DICK, AND IT’LL GROW THREE INCHES. FUCK.

IN A FEW MINUTES, THERE WILL BE A GODDAMN NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN. CALL THAT SHIT AND BUY SIX JUGS OF THIS FUCKING KABOOM AND WE’LL THROW IN A SAMURAI SHARK AND SOME GODDAMN ZORBEEZ. WHAT ARE ZORBEEZ? YOU BEST BE JOKING, NIGGER. THOSE FUCKING TOWELS CAN SOAK UP LIKE A GALLON APIECE. YOU’LL PROBABLY NEED THEM AFTER YOU SHARPEN YOUR FUCKING SCISSORS WITH THE SAMURAI SHARK. BECAUSE YOU’LL SIMULTANEOUSLY SHIT, PISS, AND EJACULATE IN YOUR PANTS. HOW DO YOU PISS AND EJACULATE AT THE SAME TIME? FUCK YOU, THAT’S HOW. CALL ME NOW AND I’LL STOP YELLING. NEVERMIND, I CAN’T STOP SO FUCK YOU. I’M GONNA GO JACK OFF WITH SOME ORANGE-GLO SO PEACE OUT NIGGERS.

SO CALL 1-800-781-7529 NOW AND TELL THEM BILLY MAYS SENT YOU

THAT NUMBER AGAIN IS 1-800-781-7529
THATS ONE EIGHT ZERO ZERO SEVEN EIGHT ONE SEVEN FIVE TWO NINE

CALL NAO!

The copypasta above is believed to be from mid-2008.

Nested Functions

Billy Mays nested functions work like so:

(All-caps) BILLY MAYS COULD SELL x (an object) TO y (a person or group)

They usually have a humorous nature to them.

Example: BILLY MAYS COULD SELL SAND TO A BEACH

The joke is that a beach has plenty of sand and shouldn’t need sand but Billy Mays is such a good salesman that he sold sand to the beach. Though the purchase was a mistake on the beach’s part.

Too see more of these click here

Death of a Pitchman

Billy Mays died on June 28, 2009 at the age of 50. His death is believed to be heart disease with cocaine being a “contributory cause of death”.