Forums / Fun! / Memeory Lane

I don't really feel like saying too much. My mind is currently at overload. Besides, nothing special happened much anyway. Wake up way later than any normal person should. Starve myself browsing the net. Prepare for class with way less time than I planned. Work. Go home. Eat something. Watch/Play something until it's 4-8AM. Sleep. Rinse and Repeat. Well… I started watching No Game No Life. I enjoy it a bunch, but it's making me think things that don't make me feel good…

Well, except for Day 27. Woke at 1PM, way earlier than my usual wake up time. Still felt nice even though I had less sleep. Spent a few minutes playing a mobile clicker game that I picked up from Lost Pause. I COULD go be productive but nah. Well, have lunch at least? NOPE. I'm a lazy shit so I'll just starve myself and surf the net instead for hours on end! Felt like listening to ASMR at 3PM. So I did, but felt sleepy all of a sudden. I figured I'll take nap. Set alarm at 4:30. Get up 5:45 instead. That's actually pretty great. I could've stayed until it was 6:30. Made myself an extra special lunch because I have time and didn't feel like eating left overs. Hotdogs, an egg, and fried rice with broccoli and cauliflowers with oyster sauce and sesame oil. It's actually a simple meal, but hey! I'd much prefer that If I have to eat the same thing over and over again for 2-3 days straight… Also, I made this meal myself. Ate while watching friends of Lost Pause's Otakuthon Vlogs. Washed dishes after eating then get dressed. Wore a Fedora instead of the usual Paddy Cap. Hesitated a bit at first due to… obvious reasons… I really like the look, but not so much what it's associated with… Anyway, finished preparing earlier than usual. Me and my mother were already out the door but she still called the usual person that takes me to school. Usual person was on his way and still insisted he take me. Like… what's the point of me finishing early then? He arrives, we're short on time, so he overspeeds. I mean, we totally didn't have to. It was a bit frustrating. I was gonna be a bit snarky but meh… Opened up MH4U and did some charm farming until the instructor arrived. Worked on the current project. Drove home. Was feeling very good on the way. Suddenly felt slightly depressed once we got to the dark and sleeping neighborhood. Ate tacos for dinner while watching No Game No Life. Washed dishes while fantasizing about a person who had powers but lost them when they suddenly arrive in NGNL's world. It took a sad turn… in a stupid way…
Went back to watching after washing dishes. Finished episode 9 and went to my room. The show in general and my current state of mind made me think about myself as someone who has very big responsibilities coming as well as someone who hasn't felt the loving touch of another. I'll just say it definitely didn't feel very good.

I have spent my 19 years of life thinking I'm perfectly fine on my own. I have no problem not having someone to pour all my being into. Then I think about it. How nice would it indeed be? Then I see all these people… Not lovers specifically, but people with other people. I could let everyone in the internet know all my interests, my fetishes, all of me. I could laugh, cry, and fight with people over the net. But they are people all over the world, separated. It's almost never that I hear someone. Right beside me. Hearing their voice. Words not related with work or family.
I see all these people. Both real and fiction. And I see myself. An empty husk confining itself in it's own bubble…

Now that's one thing… here comes another.
It is my third semester in college now. I have leeched thousands of dollars for these off of my loving mother who works sweat and blood. And what do I do? I don't get a job. I don't make myself better. I ignore the future.
I'm always told that I should pursue what I love. And I did just that. I like creating. Stories, characters, etc. But apparently I don't love it enough that I choose the internet and games over it. Honestly, drawing, over the years, has only been something I've done in between things. Those 5 minutes before class starts. So that means I love Internet and Gaming more right? Well, I can't make a living off those. No job pays you to browse the net. Gaming has beta testing, but they review games at their shit state so they're not as fun. Art is something the only thing I have interest in, as small as it is, that I can sustain life with. People around me tell me I'm good at it. Yes, I'd say I'm a bit good. But I'm not GREAT. Not as great as those in the industry. The people with the jobs wont bat an eye with the things I made that people around me see as good. Multiple instructors showed theirs and others' work to inspire us. But all I got from it is that I'm not good enough. But that's only natural. I haven't spent years on this. All I have to do is be better. If I don't put in the effort to push myself, someone else would gladly take my place. I have to work so I would have the skills to provide for myself. And that's the problem.
I have always been drawing for fun, with no professional standards. I drew whatever I want with no worries. Making it into a job makes it so that my works have to be at a certain level. A level I'm nowhere near to. And working to reach that level is something that drives me away. Every rational part of me says it shouldn't. I know what I must do. But I don't strive. Because I'm a lazy shit.
I would feel so much better if I produce actual quality results. I wouldn't feel so bad if I weren't so lazy. But I'm too lazy to be not lazy.

All I do is be an unproductive leech. I bitch and moan about how horrible I am but stays horrible the next second. I lie down and get angry at myself as I wake up the next day forgetting about all of it. Turning my head from reality. Only for it to come crashing back, and the whole thing starts all over again. And. It. Never. Ends.