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Masae's response to Emile's second statement

After communicating with Emile, we would like this message out there. Yes, Emile and I were engaged. Keeping it private was a mutual decision, especially through the first several years. After that, when Emile expressed interest in becoming public, I was hesitant because of how much social pressure was already put on our relationship. He was respectful of that, and we proceeded with the status quo. We do not condone the harassment of any party, and the omission was an effort to prevent speculation about our now very separate personal lives. Ultimately it was a personal matter and a joint decision between two adults. I would like to reiterate that my objective with my previous post was just to be left alone, and that has not changed. I was being asked a lot of invasive questions with increasing frequency, as I'm sure Emile has as well. We do not want to be associated, we do not want to hear of each other moving forward- a mutual sentiment as our paths are now completely separate and we want to move on with our lives. Although I cannot be a part of his journey, I wish Emile luck on his healing and his path forward.
After communicating with Emile, we would like this message out there. Yes, Emile and I were engaged. Keeping it private was a mutual decision, especially through the first several years. After that, when Emile expressed interest in becoming public, I was hesitant because of how much social pressure was already put on our relationship. He was respectful of that, and we proceeded with the status quo. We do not condone the harassment of any party, and the omission was an effort to prevent speculation about our now very separate personal lives. Ultimately it was a personal matter and a joint decision between two adults. I would like to reiterate that my objective with my previous post was just to be left alone, and that has not changed. I was being asked a lot of invasive questions with increasing frequency, as I'm sure Emile has as well. We do not want to be associated, we do not want to hear of each other moving forward- a mutual sentiment as our paths are now completely separate and we want to move on with our lives. Although I cannot be a part of his journey, I wish Emile luck on his healing and his path forward.

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Chuggaaconroy Moving Forward 3

Just because I know it will come up, I have to be real - this whole experience was so harmful to my health, I'm not sure that I even want this job any more. I don't know if the life I would have if I started making videos again would be anything I would like. And it sucks to admit that about something I had such a passion for. It's something I would have to think about for longer. What little creative energy I had would always go toward this and not some fun video I wanted to make. I cared more about telling my side of it, fixing my problems, and improving my mental health. I'm in no state to perform, so don't expect me to show up at any events. I think many of you will still have criticisms for me, I anticipate many jokes at my expense too, and that's okay. I wouldn't have come here today if I didn't know and accept that. Thank you. That's all I wanted to say. Please call the suicide prevention hotline in your area if you are struggling. Right now. It worked for me. Maybe this situation can save a life, and then I can say my pain was worth it.
Just because I know it will come up, I have to be real - this whole experience was so harmful to my health, I'm not sure that I even want this job any more. I don't know if the life I would have if I started making videos again would be anything I would like. And it sucks to admit that about something I had such a passion for. It's something I would have to think about for longer. What little creative energy I had would always go toward this and not some fun video I wanted to make. I cared more about telling my side of it, fixing my problems, and improving my mental health. I'm in no state to perform, so don't expect me to show up at any events. I think many of you will still have criticisms for me, I anticipate many jokes at my expense too, and that's okay. I wouldn't have come here today if I didn't know and accept that. Thank you. That's all I wanted to say. Please call the suicide prevention hotline in your area if you are struggling. Right now. It worked for me. Maybe this situation can save a life, and then I can say my pain was worth it.

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Chuggaaconroy Moving Forward 2

Regardless of my clarifications and context, I definitely still made mistakes and learned lessons, as well as learned new things about how my mind works. I don't want to get carried away and make it sound like I'm 100% blameless. I needed psychiatric help for my depression and roleplay behavior. I took your criticism of my person seriously and am forever working every day to ensure nothing like this could ever happen again. It will not happen again. I'm a fan of numbers, so let me show you. Since privately confronted about this, I: •Saw my therapist 6 times before anything was made public. •Completed 11 behavioral health sessions with a psychologist. Continuing to do so for the foreseeable future. •Spent 5 nights in a mental ward and have met with my doctors twice since then. •Read numerous medical articles to understand my conditions better and how to avoid mistakes. •Have never missed a dosage of 4 medications and supplements that better regulate my brain activity. •Have not ever wanted to roleplay again. •Feel more self-aware and cognizant than at any point in my life up to this point. I can be absolutely certain I would never disappoint you like this again. And I say that knowing you will hold me to a higher standard than ever. I have and always will continue to give it my all in the psychiatric help I sought out. In my mind, nothing after my apology changed that I meant every word and was already in the process of making good on all of this. Months before anything went public. Some of these, I learned and grew from many years ago. I would have been here to tell you this sooner had my mental trauma not kept me from it. I needed to heal.
Regardless of my clarifications and context, I definitely still made mistakes and learned lessons, as well as learned new things about how my mind works. I don't want to get carried away and make it sound like I'm 100% blameless. I needed psychiatric help for my depression and roleplay behavior. I took your criticism of my person seriously and am forever working every day to ensure nothing like this could ever happen again. It will not happen again. I'm a fan of numbers, so let me show you. Since privately confronted about this, I: •Saw my therapist 6 times before anything was made public. •Completed 11 behavioral health sessions with a psychologist. Continuing to do so for the foreseeable future. •Spent 5 nights in a mental ward and have met with my doctors twice since then. •Read numerous medical articles to understand my conditions better and how to avoid mistakes. •Have never missed a dosage of 4 medications and supplements that better regulate my brain activity. •Have not ever wanted to roleplay again. •Feel more self-aware and cognizant than at any point in my life up to this point. I can be absolutely certain I would never disappoint you like this again. And I say that knowing you will hold me to a higher standard than ever. I have and always will continue to give it my all in the psychiatric help I sought out. In my mind, nothing after my apology changed that I meant every word and was already in the process of making good on all of this. Months before anything went public. Some of these, I learned and grew from many years ago. I would have been here to tell you this sooner had my mental trauma not kept me from it. I needed to heal.

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Chuggaaconroy Moving Forward 1

Moving Forward I'd like to make an ode to my friends. Several reached out the night I came home from the hospital. They didn't want me to be alone and still believed I was a good person. Heck, I think some of you believed I was more innocent than I did. It took me a while to see this your way. I love all of you, my friends. Even if you were critical of me, I cannot bring myself to not love you. Some of it was things I already agreed with, some of it was things I needed to hear. And some of it was telling me this wasn't as bad as I thought. I want to thank my best friend Tim/NintendoCapriSun. He handled so many decisions in all of this for me when I was not well enough to make them for myself. He cooked for me every day when I wasn't allowed near the knives. I think you really saved me. Please support him with all you can. I didn't say this last time. I'm so sorry for all the heartache and worry I caused my friends and caused you. I worked hard every day to make sure I would never make you feel like this again and could be dependable once more. I really didn't mean to do harm here, and feel I've learned about myself in ways I didn't know I needed to. These are positive things.
Moving Forward I'd like to make an ode to my friends. Several reached out the night I came home from the hospital. They didn't want me to be alone and still believed I was a good person. Heck, I think some of you believed I was more innocent than I did. It took me a while to see this your way. I love all of you, my friends. Even if you were critical of me, I cannot bring myself to not love you. Some of it was things I already agreed with, some of it was things I needed to hear. And some of it was telling me this wasn't as bad as I thought. I want to thank my best friend Tim/NintendoCapriSun. He handled so many decisions in all of this for me when I was not well enough to make them for myself. He cooked for me every day when I wasn't allowed near the knives. I think you really saved me. Please support him with all you can. I didn't say this last time. I'm so sorry for all the heartache and worry I caused my friends and caused you. I worked hard every day to make sure I would never make you feel like this again and could be dependable once more. I really didn't mean to do harm here, and feel I've learned about myself in ways I didn't know I needed to. These are positive things.

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Chuggaaconroy "How I've Been" 3

There was one night during this time when I called a friend and he said some unintentionally harsh things to me about the situation. I was in tears and felt like there was no use even trying to explain myself any more. My girlfriend got loud for the very first time I'd ever heard and told me I'm not a bad person, that people only have one side of this, that every person I've talked to still thought I was good, that most people WILL see reason, I have the best community, and they are probably just waiting for my side. That she loves me and our cat loves me, and you can't fake that. That she is sick of seeing me cry and that I didn't deserve this much punishment when I took this so seriously before anything was even made public. It was... amazing. Every step of this, everyone told me "I wish I could just say something to make this better." No one else could. But she figured it out.
There was one night during this time when I called a friend and he said some unintentionally harsh things to me about the situation. I was in tears and felt like there was no use even trying to explain myself any more. My girlfriend got loud for the very first time I'd ever heard and told me I'm not a bad person, that people only have one side of this, that every person I've talked to still thought I was good, that most people WILL see reason, I have the best community, and they are probably just waiting for my side. That she loves me and our cat loves me, and you can't fake that. That she is sick of seeing me cry and that I didn't deserve this much punishment when I took this so seriously before anything was even made public. It was... amazing. Every step of this, everyone told me "I wish I could just say something to make this better." No one else could. But she figured it out.

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Chuggaaconroy "How I've Been" 2

About two months into being gone from the internet, I began wishing I would be killed. I didn't want to do it myself any more, but I felt like it would bring an end to my suffering, that I could rest easy believing that. I felt like without my ability to entertain, I had no place in the world. Seeking healthcare where I was staying was difficult, my condition was worsening, and I realized I needed to come home. A lot of you may live in places where this isn't a problem, but the added stress of tremendous medical bills didn't help my health either. Sadly, this meant my partner and I couldn't see each other for a long time. We're long-distance and this situation was so taxing on her health that she needed a medical leave from work. All of this broke right at the start of a visit from my girlfriend. This trip was meant to be extra-special because we were one day away from getting on a plane to go on vacation where she would have met all of my friends for the first time, and this was to be the trip where we would have figured out our long term future living together. Instead, I spent half of the visit preparing a statement and the other half in a mental ward while she sat home alone with my friend Tim. I didn't even get to say goodbye because I was still in hospital when she flew home and was forcibly placed in a ward with no visitors. This meant she used up all her vacation time on a trip where I didn't get to see her. Once I needed to come home from seeing her, we didn't know when we could meet again. It's been hard when we were used to visiting often before and had a whole visit taken away from us at the last second. The timing of this could not have been worse. It's actually kept me from seeing the person I love. I still don't know when I can see her again.
About two months into being gone from the internet, I began wishing I would be killed. I didn't want to do it myself any more, but I felt like it would bring an end to my suffering, that I could rest easy believing that. I felt like without my ability to entertain, I had no place in the world. Seeking healthcare where I was staying was difficult, my condition was worsening, and I realized I needed to come home. A lot of you may live in places where this isn't a problem, but the added stress of tremendous medical bills didn't help my health either. Sadly, this meant my partner and I couldn't see each other for a long time. We're long-distance and this situation was so taxing on her health that she needed a medical leave from work. All of this broke right at the start of a visit from my girlfriend. This trip was meant to be extra-special because we were one day away from getting on a plane to go on vacation where she would have met all of my friends for the first time, and this was to be the trip where we would have figured out our long term future living together. Instead, I spent half of the visit preparing a statement and the other half in a mental ward while she sat home alone with my friend Tim. I didn't even get to say goodbye because I was still in hospital when she flew home and was forcibly placed in a ward with no visitors. This meant she used up all her vacation time on a trip where I didn't get to see her. Once I needed to come home from seeing her, we didn't know when we could meet again. It's been hard when we were used to visiting often before and had a whole visit taken away from us at the last second. The timing of this could not have been worse. It's actually kept me from seeing the person I love. I still don't know when I can see her again.

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Chuggaaconroy "How I've Been" 1

How I've Been I've done a lot since you last heard from me. It wasn't all bad. After getting out of the psych ward, I left home and went to live with my girlfriend. I like to think all my good luck went into having her around. We had rough days during this, but she was so caring, didn't judge me for mistakes I made years ago, knew what decisions were healthy, and never stopped believing I wasn't that same person any longer. You are the greatest, sweetie! As soon as I felt stable, I took care of her because this situation affected her a lot too. All of this wasn't fair to her, and I helped cause it. For both our sakes, I cannot and will not make a mistake like this again. I work hard every day to make sure our future together can be a happy, comfortable life. We had a particularly memorable night where I opened up about the full timeline that got me here. I cried a lot, but by the end of it, we were acting like things were normal again, laughing and making fun of each other. It was a big turning point. I think it was the moment I finally forgave my past self. I didn't get another job but instead lived as a house husband, making sure everything was taken care of for her. My care made me a better chef and gave me a greater understanding of what she's always done for me. I had some struggles with spending every waking moment writing down video ideas because it was the only routine I knew. My girlfriend liked that I was passionate about something at first, but later worried because it put pressure on me to consider a return to videos. She was right, but stopping was an especially difficult thing to do. This craft has been so much of my life up to this point, and I've always loved the joy it brings to others. It gave me a strong purpose. I just kind of sat around for days, not knowing what to do with myself.
How I've Been I've done a lot since you last heard from me. It wasn't all bad. After getting out of the psych ward, I left home and went to live with my girlfriend. I like to think all my good luck went into having her around. We had rough days during this, but she was so caring, didn't judge me for mistakes I made years ago, knew what decisions were healthy, and never stopped believing I wasn't that same person any longer. You are the greatest, sweetie! As soon as I felt stable, I took care of her because this situation affected her a lot too. All of this wasn't fair to her, and I helped cause it. For both our sakes, I cannot and will not make a mistake like this again. I work hard every day to make sure our future together can be a happy, comfortable life. We had a particularly memorable night where I opened up about the full timeline that got me here. I cried a lot, but by the end of it, we were acting like things were normal again, laughing and making fun of each other. It was a big turning point. I think it was the moment I finally forgave my past self. I didn't get another job but instead lived as a house husband, making sure everything was taken care of for her. My care made me a better chef and gave me a greater understanding of what she's always done for me. I had some struggles with spending every waking moment writing down video ideas because it was the only routine I knew. My girlfriend liked that I was passionate about something at first, but later worried because it put pressure on me to consider a return to videos. She was right, but stopping was an especially difficult thing to do. This craft has been so much of my life up to this point, and I've always loved the joy it brings to others. It gave me a strong purpose. I just kind of sat around for days, not knowing what to do with myself.

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Chuggaaconroy Mental Ward 3

I think I need to go back in time a bit to talk about my mental health. Back in 2021, I went through many hardships all at once and it still stands as the worst year of my life. I tried getting psychiatric help, but the mental health industry was overrun due to the pandemic and I was denied help at every turn. At one point, it took my healthcare nine months to get back to me, only to be told "sorry, there's just nothing available.” Similarly, I was physically cut off from everyone I knew and lived alone in my house for months. The only help I could get for this in 2021 at all was a phone service that sponsors YouTubers, and honestly, it didn't work and I now have a low opinion of it. They didn't help me figure out my behaviors. It was just "are you suicidal?" and "I'm sorry to hear that." They even encouraged my roleplaying with friends as a fix for the hardships I was going through. That was how I got back into it after a long time and what pushed me to ask Lawly as an adult. I'd had a few bad years and think I just made some bad calls. My counselor there didn't know about the Internet, only listened to me for a few months, and then recommended I leave so their schedule could fit in more suicidal people. I didn't realize until 2023 how cruel this was or that I still had lasting trauma from 2021 until a friend told me I wasn't okay. I think all of this had a lasting impact. I was operating for the last three years without the psychiatric help I really needed.
I think I need to go back in time a bit to talk about my mental health. Back in 2021, I went through many hardships all at once and it still stands as the worst year of my life. I tried getting psychiatric help, but the mental health industry was overrun due to the pandemic and I was denied help at every turn. At one point, it took my healthcare nine months to get back to me, only to be told "sorry, there's just nothing available.” Similarly, I was physically cut off from everyone I knew and lived alone in my house for months. The only help I could get for this in 2021 at all was a phone service that sponsors YouTubers, and honestly, it didn't work and I now have a low opinion of it. They didn't help me figure out my behaviors. It was just "are you suicidal?" and "I'm sorry to hear that." They even encouraged my roleplaying with friends as a fix for the hardships I was going through. That was how I got back into it after a long time and what pushed me to ask Lawly as an adult. I'd had a few bad years and think I just made some bad calls. My counselor there didn't know about the Internet, only listened to me for a few months, and then recommended I leave so their schedule could fit in more suicidal people. I didn't realize until 2023 how cruel this was or that I still had lasting trauma from 2021 until a friend told me I wasn't okay. I think all of this had a lasting impact. I was operating for the last three years without the psychiatric help I really needed.

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Chuggaaconroy Mental Ward 2

While in care, I learned I hadn't been okay mentally for a while and didn't understand some things about myself. Something my friends were worried about before this all happened. I found out I had undiagnosed psychotic depression and a chemical deficiency in my brain. It explained a lot about my life up to this point. I'm not sharing this as an excuse; it is the explanation. HEALTH ISSUES: (Note: This information comes from medically coded diagnosis for your visit and may not be available at the time this detail bill is printed.) Major depressive disorder, recurrent, severe with psychotic symptoms (hc) [f33.3] Suicidal ideations [r45.851] Hyperlipidemia, unspecified [e78.5] Other long term (current) drug therapy [z79.899] I could stay bitter/sad about things for years, I handled crises poorly, and my text roleplay behavior would crop up in times of crisis. I now take medication for this depression. Heck, just being aware I had it made it so much easier to know what to do and catch it in the act. As a result of my training and reflection, I realized social knowledge that I was lacking. Another behavior that got me into trouble was that if a conversation went far into a topic, and the other person said they were fine with it, that would become the new limit. I thought that as long as I explained myself and got an OK, we were all good. This follows a logic, and I can see why I believed this. But I understand now that depending on the person, it can get to be too much if we go there again and again. I want to thank another patient in the psych ward for pointing out that I get stuck in mental loops during a crisis and helped to snap me out of it. If you're reading this, Destiny, you really helped me, and I only wish you were here sooner because you put it into the words that finally got through to me.
While in care, I learned I hadn't been okay mentally for a while and didn't understand some things about myself. Something my friends were worried about before this all happened. I found out I had undiagnosed psychotic depression and a chemical deficiency in my brain. It explained a lot about my life up to this point. I'm not sharing this as an excuse; it is the explanation. HEALTH ISSUES: (Note: This information comes from medically coded diagnosis for your visit and may not be available at the time this detail bill is printed.) Major depressive disorder, recurrent, severe with psychotic symptoms (hc) [f33.3] Suicidal ideations [r45.851] Hyperlipidemia, unspecified [e78.5] Other long term (current) drug therapy [z79.899] I could stay bitter/sad about things for years, I handled crises poorly, and my text roleplay behavior would crop up in times of crisis. I now take medication for this depression. Heck, just being aware I had it made it so much easier to know what to do and catch it in the act. As a result of my training and reflection, I realized social knowledge that I was lacking. Another behavior that got me into trouble was that if a conversation went far into a topic, and the other person said they were fine with it, that would become the new limit. I thought that as long as I explained myself and got an OK, we were all good. This follows a logic, and I can see why I believed this. But I understand now that depending on the person, it can get to be too much if we go there again and again. I want to thank another patient in the psych ward for pointing out that I get stuck in mental loops during a crisis and helped to snap me out of it. If you're reading this, Destiny, you really helped me, and I only wish you were here sooner because you put it into the words that finally got through to me.

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Chuggaaconroy Mental Ward 1

My visit to the mental ward Warning: Talk of suicide, health issues, blood. I will be vulnerable with you here, as I hope it might help someone. Seeing the online speculation about me unfold caused me so much stress, I lost eight pounds in a week, developed internal bleeding, and was in the ER twice for blood loss. I would use the bathroom and then lose feeling in my hands. Even worse, they kept needing to take more of my blood every day to test me for my existing health issues that were worsened by this situation. They had to put me on medication to knock me out every night and I'm still dependent on it. Shortly after you last heard from me, I had dreams and thoughts about ending my own life. I felt I didn't deserve to live. That my life was already over. My mother's high blood pressure was exacerbated by my suicidal ideations, and her health worsened too. She was in the ER twice and only just recently started to recover. When I first called my mom about it, she asked me to hang up and call the state suicide prevention hotline. Some kind folks came to my home, I told them my side of it, and they placed me in a mental ward for my own protection. I spent a night in a holding facility awaiting care at one point, which was the worst night of this entire ordeal. It was four concrete walls, not properly heated, all alone with my own thoughts of how I wanted to die. But it started to get better after that. Everyone on the inside was kind to me and didn't judge; they understood how people could misconstrue several things about me. It wasn't easy, though. I cried for my friends many times, not able to know how many of them still liked or cared about me.
My visit to the mental ward Warning: Talk of suicide, health issues, blood. I will be vulnerable with you here, as I hope it might help someone. Seeing the online speculation about me unfold caused me so much stress, I lost eight pounds in a week, developed internal bleeding, and was in the ER twice for blood loss. I would use the bathroom and then lose feeling in my hands. Even worse, they kept needing to take more of my blood every day to test me for my existing health issues that were worsened by this situation. They had to put me on medication to knock me out every night and I'm still dependent on it. Shortly after you last heard from me, I had dreams and thoughts about ending my own life. I felt I didn't deserve to live. That my life was already over. My mother's high blood pressure was exacerbated by my suicidal ideations, and her health worsened too. She was in the ER twice and only just recently started to recover. When I first called my mom about it, she asked me to hang up and call the state suicide prevention hotline. Some kind folks came to my home, I told them my side of it, and they placed me in a mental ward for my own protection. I spent a night in a holding facility awaiting care at one point, which was the worst night of this entire ordeal. It was four concrete walls, not properly heated, all alone with my own thoughts of how I wanted to die. But it started to get better after that. Everyone on the inside was kind to me and didn't judge; they understood how people could misconstrue several things about me. It wasn't easy, though. I cried for my friends many times, not able to know how many of them still liked or cared about me.

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Chuggaaconroy "Me at 19" 1

Me at 19 I have something else that speaks to where my mind was at when I was 19. I didn't want to open up about this at any point, but it's a part of this now. I've mentioned in the past that I didn't live the happiest childhood. Due to an especially traumatic time when I was assaulted as a child, I was left unable to enjoy sex until well into my adult life. The idea of anything sexual beyond edgy teenage jokes on the internet was foreign to me at 19, and I think my awkwardness shows it. While I may not know why I sent every little IM 14 years ago, I know what state my body and mind were in at the time, how I struggled with comprehending anything sexual, and how it hindered my attempts at relationships. Even with people I was comfortable dating, I struggled with concepts like them seeing me naked or enjoying sex for years after that. You can see this in my videos with how inept I was at knowing about sex for so long or how I could say unfortunate things and not know it. Perhaps this is also why I didn't shut things down sooner and how I didn't think of what their overtly sexual messages could mean, besides people just being dumb as f--- at 19. I had no experience or understanding of sexual situations - it took my mom pointing it out for me to see what was going on. I just matched the vibe of my funny friend until it became too much, and then I left. Because of this accusation, I had to explain what I went through as a kid to several friends who wanted an explanation. It was humiliating and excruciating to relive it with them, and I cried every time. I was trying to essentially train myself to publicly tell every detail, but it became clear after enough hard cries and nightmares that I wouldn't be able to do that and be okay. It brought me back to terrible places I thought I was done with. I was doing so well at not letting it affect me for a few years now, but this dredged it all up. And now I'm here telling you. It's out there forever now. I'm sorry. I know it's a lot.
Me at 19 I have something else that speaks to where my mind was at when I was 19. I didn't want to open up about this at any point, but it's a part of this now. I've mentioned in the past that I didn't live the happiest childhood. Due to an especially traumatic time when I was assaulted as a child, I was left unable to enjoy sex until well into my adult life. The idea of anything sexual beyond edgy teenage jokes on the internet was foreign to me at 19, and I think my awkwardness shows it. While I may not know why I sent every little IM 14 years ago, I know what state my body and mind were in at the time, how I struggled with comprehending anything sexual, and how it hindered my attempts at relationships. Even with people I was comfortable dating, I struggled with concepts like them seeing me naked or enjoying sex for years after that. You can see this in my videos with how inept I was at knowing about sex for so long or how I could say unfortunate things and not know it. Perhaps this is also why I didn't shut things down sooner and how I didn't think of what their overtly sexual messages could mean, besides people just being dumb as f--- at 19. I had no experience or understanding of sexual situations - it took my mom pointing it out for me to see what was going on. I just matched the vibe of my funny friend until it became too much, and then I left. Because of this accusation, I had to explain what I went through as a kid to several friends who wanted an explanation. It was humiliating and excruciating to relive it with them, and I cried every time. I was trying to essentially train myself to publicly tell every detail, but it became clear after enough hard cries and nightmares that I wouldn't be able to do that and be okay. It brought me back to terrible places I thought I was done with. I was doing so well at not letting it affect me for a few years now, but this dredged it all up. And now I'm here telling you. It's out there forever now. I'm sorry. I know it's a lot.

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Chuggaaconroy "Me at 19" 2

It's humiliating to tell you even this much. In order to be believed, I have to tell everyone about my childhood trauma, my sex life, my health issues, my breakup, what went on in therapy, the mental ward, how my accuser wanted to use me for sex, and how I almost died because of this. It's extremely painful to talk about. People think they're owed that from me, and no one will listen if I just say "I didn't mean that" or "I was only a teenager." This is the price I've paid to show I wasn't preying on someone. I refuse to call it a win that I could explain myself in this way. I didn't win when I went through that. After my recent psychological training, I think my childhood trauma is also how I went through so much of life thinking that there was a clear line between my kink and my interest in shoes; also just how "normal" the roleplay felt. I had only my interest for most of my life; my roleplaying started innocently long before I enjoyed anything physical or even knew I had a kink. All I knew for a long time was, "I think shoes are funny," and I didn't think it was particularly strange that I worked them into stories or talked about them so much. I would act out stories about my own shoes when I was little and just never really stopped doing things like that. It's also where a lot of my sense of humor has always been, and it really was just a joke for many years. The realization that there could be some crossover happened much later in life. I compartmentalized things into what was sexual and what wasn't, probably because I did it for so long without a kink and thought I could go on separating those things by not saying anything arousing for me. It was just very messy and flawed logic for a lot of reasons and intertwined with something I struggled to make sense of. I definitely needed psychiatric help for this, and I'm really sorry to everyone I hurt because of it.
It's humiliating to tell you even this much. In order to be believed, I have to tell everyone about my childhood trauma, my sex life, my health issues, my breakup, what went on in therapy, the mental ward, how my accuser wanted to use me for sex, and how I almost died because of this. It's extremely painful to talk about. People think they're owed that from me, and no one will listen if I just say "I didn't mean that" or "I was only a teenager." This is the price I've paid to show I wasn't preying on someone. I refuse to call it a win that I could explain myself in this way. I didn't win when I went through that. After my recent psychological training, I think my childhood trauma is also how I went through so much of life thinking that there was a clear line between my kink and my interest in shoes; also just how "normal" the roleplay felt. I had only my interest for most of my life; my roleplaying started innocently long before I enjoyed anything physical or even knew I had a kink. All I knew for a long time was, "I think shoes are funny," and I didn't think it was particularly strange that I worked them into stories or talked about them so much. I would act out stories about my own shoes when I was little and just never really stopped doing things like that. It's also where a lot of my sense of humor has always been, and it really was just a joke for many years. The realization that there could be some crossover happened much later in life. I compartmentalized things into what was sexual and what wasn't, probably because I did it for so long without a kink and thought I could go on separating those things by not saying anything arousing for me. It was just very messy and flawed logic for a lot of reasons and intertwined with something I struggled to make sense of. I definitely needed psychiatric help for this, and I'm really sorry to everyone I hurt because of it.

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Chuggaaconroy "Me at 19" 3

Me at 19 I have something else that speaks to where my mind was at when I was 19. I didn't want to open up about this at any point, but it's a part of this now. I've mentioned in the past that I didn't live the happiest childhood. Due to an especially traumatic time when I was assaulted as a child, I was left unable to enjoy sex until well into my adult life. The idea of anything sexual beyond edgy teenage jokes on the internet was foreign to me at 19, and I think my awkwardness shows it. While I may not know why I sent every little IM 14 years ago, I know what state my body and mind were in at the time, how I struggled with comprehending anything sexual, and how it hindered my attempts at relationships. Even with people I was comfortable dating, I struggled with concepts like them seeing me naked or enjoying sex for years after that. You can see this in my videos with how inept I was at knowing about sex for so long or how I could say unfortunate things and not know it. Perhaps this is also why I didn't shut things down sooner and how I didn't think of what their overtly sexual messages could mean, besides people just being dumb as f--- at 19. I had no experience or understanding of sexual situations - it took my mom pointing it out for me to see what was going on. I just matched the vibe of my funny friend until it became too much, and then I left. Because of this accusation, I had to explain what I went through as a kid to several friends who wanted an explanation. It was humiliating and excruciating to relive it with them, and I cried every time. I was trying to essentially train myself to publicly tell every detail, but it became clear after enough hard cries and nightmares that I wouldn't be able to do that and be okay. It brought me back to terrible places I thought I was done with. I was doing so well at not letting it affect me for a few years now, but this dredged it all up. And now I'm here telling you. It's out there forever now. I'm sorry. I know it's a lot.
Me at 19 I have something else that speaks to where my mind was at when I was 19. I didn't want to open up about this at any point, but it's a part of this now. I've mentioned in the past that I didn't live the happiest childhood. Due to an especially traumatic time when I was assaulted as a child, I was left unable to enjoy sex until well into my adult life. The idea of anything sexual beyond edgy teenage jokes on the internet was foreign to me at 19, and I think my awkwardness shows it. While I may not know why I sent every little IM 14 years ago, I know what state my body and mind were in at the time, how I struggled with comprehending anything sexual, and how it hindered my attempts at relationships. Even with people I was comfortable dating, I struggled with concepts like them seeing me naked or enjoying sex for years after that. You can see this in my videos with how inept I was at knowing about sex for so long or how I could say unfortunate things and not know it. Perhaps this is also why I didn't shut things down sooner and how I didn't think of what their overtly sexual messages could mean, besides people just being dumb as f--- at 19. I had no experience or understanding of sexual situations - it took my mom pointing it out for me to see what was going on. I just matched the vibe of my funny friend until it became too much, and then I left. Because of this accusation, I had to explain what I went through as a kid to several friends who wanted an explanation. It was humiliating and excruciating to relive it with them, and I cried every time. I was trying to essentially train myself to publicly tell every detail, but it became clear after enough hard cries and nightmares that I wouldn't be able to do that and be okay. It brought me back to terrible places I thought I was done with. I was doing so well at not letting it affect me for a few years now, but this dredged it all up. And now I'm here telling you. It's out there forever now. I'm sorry. I know it's a lot.

Chuggaaconroy Foot Fetish / Sexual Harassment Allegations
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Chuggaaconroy April 2024 Statement on Lawly 15

I think the whole picture here changes everything about their side of those logs. Their framing of events to make me look like the predator really upset me when I saw this again. Regardless of some jokes on a screen, this is the real tragedy I prevented from happening. I refused to be their friend for so much less than their actual motive. It wasn't just me either - they said they targeted multiple other adults for sex. My feelings about this are complicated. It's horrible in so many ways that they wanted to use me for underage sex and then frame it like I was preying on them because of some text from 14 years ago. But I also feel for them when I think about how bad their situation probably was.
I think the whole picture here changes everything about their side of those logs. Their framing of events to make me look like the predator really upset me when I saw this again. Regardless of some jokes on a screen, this is the real tragedy I prevented from happening. I refused to be their friend for so much less than their actual motive. It wasn't just me either - they said they targeted multiple other adults for sex. My feelings about this are complicated. It's horrible in so many ways that they wanted to use me for underage sex and then frame it like I was preying on them because of some text from 14 years ago. But I also feel for them when I think about how bad their situation probably was.

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Chuggaaconroy April 2024 Statement on Lawly 16

As for the modern stuff they showed, that was after more than a decade of no contact. I had only vague recollections of what our conversations were like back then, and years into this new friendship, I was asking if, as adults, they wanted to text roleplay but spicy. I was forward about that so they wouldn't think I just wanted silly stuff like I remembered us doing. For the record, I was single, and they were fine with me asking. I wasn't in a good headspace when I asked them for roleplay stuff; it was the worst year of my life. I think I just wanted to feel close to someone I cared about in that loneliness, she told me she liked/missed roleplay, so I thought it natural to ask. Plus by that point, we'd been friends again for years; it was 12 years since I cut contact, I didn't even remember most of our old talks, and we'd put our awkward past behind us, so any bad implications weren't exactly there for me. Save for the one time they ran into me as an adult, I have only ever known this person online. Nothing else ever happened. This was the first time I'd asked them for anything since learning what I liked. More on that in a second. If Lawly is reading this, I'm sorry I made you hurt. I don't think what I've said changes that. I mean it.
As for the modern stuff they showed, that was after more than a decade of no contact. I had only vague recollections of what our conversations were like back then, and years into this new friendship, I was asking if, as adults, they wanted to text roleplay but spicy. I was forward about that so they wouldn't think I just wanted silly stuff like I remembered us doing. For the record, I was single, and they were fine with me asking. I wasn't in a good headspace when I asked them for roleplay stuff; it was the worst year of my life. I think I just wanted to feel close to someone I cared about in that loneliness, she told me she liked/missed roleplay, so I thought it natural to ask. Plus by that point, we'd been friends again for years; it was 12 years since I cut contact, I didn't even remember most of our old talks, and we'd put our awkward past behind us, so any bad implications weren't exactly there for me. Save for the one time they ran into me as an adult, I have only ever known this person online. Nothing else ever happened. This was the first time I'd asked them for anything since learning what I liked. More on that in a second. If Lawly is reading this, I'm sorry I made you hurt. I don't think what I've said changes that. I mean it.

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Chuggaaconroy April 2024 Statement on Lawly 17

Though, I guess I'm surprised at this. We were friends up until this, got along better as adults, and I was glad to have you in my life without that inappropriate crush. It was basic knowledge to both of us that you were the one who wanted me and I shut it down. I even apologized last year for asking for roleplay stuff and you said you forgave me and considered me a “true friend.” I don't really know what you were thinking. I didn't even remember these chats, so I was genuinely confused by what you'd even be speaking out about when I heard it was you. It hurt a lot to see you say that you don't know if I ever considered you a real friend. I told you that you were awesome and funny and smart. A lot. We got each other through difficult times, you were a bright spot in my darkest time, and I admired you for it. I spent your birthday with you. You mattered to me so much and we just had a nice conversation about how much we care about each other right before this too. I want you to know that I cried when I wrote this because it was the moment where it really hit me that I will never speak to you again. The hardest part of all this was going through our chats to find proof of my intentions. In doing so, I opened a time capsule of a beautiful friendship that doesn't exist any more and saw all the very real ways we helped each other. I wish you talked to me about it. I would have listened. I saw you as a friend for life. Please don't get angry at the person who posted those chat logs. They were looking out for their friend/my former friend, and it's possible they didn't have this context either. They were being a good friend.
Though, I guess I'm surprised at this. We were friends up until this, got along better as adults, and I was glad to have you in my life without that inappropriate crush. It was basic knowledge to both of us that you were the one who wanted me and I shut it down. I even apologized last year for asking for roleplay stuff and you said you forgave me and considered me a “true friend.” I don't really know what you were thinking. I didn't even remember these chats, so I was genuinely confused by what you'd even be speaking out about when I heard it was you. It hurt a lot to see you say that you don't know if I ever considered you a real friend. I told you that you were awesome and funny and smart. A lot. We got each other through difficult times, you were a bright spot in my darkest time, and I admired you for it. I spent your birthday with you. You mattered to me so much and we just had a nice conversation about how much we care about each other right before this too. I want you to know that I cried when I wrote this because it was the moment where it really hit me that I will never speak to you again. The hardest part of all this was going through our chats to find proof of my intentions. In doing so, I opened a time capsule of a beautiful friendship that doesn't exist any more and saw all the very real ways we helped each other. I wish you talked to me about it. I would have listened. I saw you as a friend for life. Please don't get angry at the person who posted those chat logs. They were looking out for their friend/my former friend, and it's possible they didn't have this context either. They were being a good friend.

Chuggaaconroy Foot Fetish / Sexual Harassment Allegations
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