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Granted, Now They Beat Eachother.
I Wish People Wouldn't Quote My Wishes

Granted, people now copy-paste your wishes into their comments before granting them instead.
I wish that people would stop trying to use the diversity of their product's cast/characters/production crew as their chief advertising strategy.

Granted, now people are using Nazism Propaganda for their product's characters.

I wish KYM wasn't invaded by /pol/acks.

Granted. KYM is now invaded by baby boomers and Jake Paul fans.
I wish I had higher self esteem.

Granted you are Jake Paul now

I wish I had INFINITE POWER!

Granted but if you use your powers you die
I wish I was dead

I wish I had motivation.

Wish granted, however, you only have motivation for sitting on the couch and watching old soap operas.

I wish I knew what people are thinking.

Granted but you are an ant
I wish I had a cooler username

Wish granted, however, someone a minute later makes a cooler username than you.

I wish I could write neater.

Granted, but it's so neat, a fancy society thinks you're sophisticated, and forces you to live with them in a boring fancy house, with gross fancy food.

I wish Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue would get a sequel using characters from modern cartoons.

Granted but the remake is so bad no one ever heard about it
I wish no one granted my wishes

Granted, but then ungranted, then granted, then ungrantedthengrantedthennongrantedthengrastedtehnakdon'tgrantefsdas͡g̶h͠fkd̸lasz̡fn̨f̵d̵͞s̷͟h͡,͘͠meu̷̴t̵̛̀ǵ͞d̵҉͟d͠s̵̢f̸̢͢j͜͡͡k͜͡͡k҉s̷̢͜͢d̨̢̕b͡҉̛͡g̶҉̷d̶͡͞͡,͢͢ņ̷́A̛̛͜͡F̨͜K̶͞,̵͏̷̨̨Z̵̴̛͝M̴͞F̶̶̡̛Ń͞X̴Ǵ,̷́͠͞͏M̷̢̀͘Z̸͠N͘͡-
You've created a paradox, your wish cycles from granted to ungranted for all eternity, you now have an entry on SCP

I wish for my computer to have a better framerate.

Granted, but the rate quickly decreases the more you use your computer. Eventually, your computer becomes useless. Since it's not good for anything else, you decide to taste it to see if it's good as food. It tastes awful.

I wish my TV had Dailymotion.

Granted, but all they show now is Trump news.

I wish I could drink water.

Granted, you can only drink water that's 10% water and 90% something you can't drink.

I wish my socks would stop getting caught on my pinky toenail.

Granted, you lose that toe, most painfully.

I wish for an umbrella.

Granted, but a storms hits the place you live and the wind carries you and your umbrella away so high in the sky an airplane hits you.

I wish I no one would corrupt my wishes.

Granted, but you can't make anymore wishes.
I wish to get 100$ mil free.

Granted. The IRS would like to have a word with you on how you managed to get $100 mil so easily.

I wish the multiverse could be visited at any time and any place very easily for everyone.

Granted, but the multiverse isn't the least bit interesting.

I wish there was a video with an infinite number of hilarious fails.

Granted, It proceeds to crash the servers of any site that hosts it, making it impossible to view.

I wish Aesop Rock was playing at my house.

Granted, guess where you're not.

I wish for socks.

Granted: They're some else's masturbation socks

I wish for an Isuzu Mysterious Utility Wizard

Granted, but there is an indescribable smell coming from the back seat that won't go away despite your best efforts and now nobody wants to share a ride with you.

I wish I could always cook really good food.

Granted but your food is only really good because everyone else cooks so horribly. This means any really good food made by others is now just a memory and your food is only good because of the comparison to everyone else.

I wish there was a cure for diseases like cancer.

Granted, the cure is simply saying, "Cancer, go away." Upon learning this, every doctor feels so stupid, that they all quit.

I wish I could chop off the arm of someone random, and wear it like a hat.

Granted, but that someone is an ant. You practically aren't even wearing a hat at all.

I wish for the ability to fly at any height and at any speed I desire.

Granted, too bad you lack the Required Secondary Powers needed to control yourself mid-flight, resulting in a really painful reuniting with the ground.

I wish to learn the truth of this world.

Granted, but the truth is so horrifying, you're scarred for life both mentally and emotionally.

I wish to be lovably stupid.

Granted. You are now Florida Man. An insane, stupid, drunk, and drugged up psychopath but by god does the internet love you.

I wish I was young and pampered by beautiful women.

Granted, you're a fetus pampered by hideous women who call themselves beautiful.

I wish I could punch anything, whether it be an object, creature, or concept, and send it flying.

Granted, but you would have baby hands, and every punch would break them.

I wish I could eat ass.

Granted. Here's a live donkey, you take care of the rest.

I wish I could be fluent in all languages.

Granted. you could if you'd follow 20 years worth of language courses.
I wish jon and arin would finally finish Sonic '06

Granted, but they don't record their gameplay.

I wish Man of Action would continue the original Ben 10 continuity.

Granted But It's In The Far Future, So It's "Ben 110"

I Wish Crowley Didn't Die In Supernatural

Granted, he dies in a spinoff called Supernatural Resources.

I wish Nina and Randa had double the subscribers.

Granted. Their subscriber counts are doubled… by bot accounts… which subsequently are removed by YouTube.

I wish Thanos snapped my town and its people (myself included) out of existence. (I hear the Retconian is beautiful at this time of year.)

Granted but you go straight to hell after he snaps
I wish that i had unlimited rammen

Granted. You Get Rammed Alot.
I Wish Everyone Was Misha Collins.

Granted, everyone is Misha Collins. The world is plunged into chaos as everyone begins to fight to find the answer to which Misha Collins is the "most Misha Collins"

I wish I could treat myself to fancy dining.

Granted, you are treated to the a lovely dinner with Albert Fish, and he recently got new ingredients. Look him up.

I wish I could balance out my social life, my schoolwork, and my hobbies.

Granted, But Now ACTUAL Balance Is Impossible, So You Just Fall Over All Day.

I Wish It Was Misha Day Every Day.

Granted, but everybody ignores it.

I wish I'd never forget anything I needed to remember.

Granted, But You Get Amnesia Every Day, So It's Pointless.

I Wish That No One Ever Granted My Mishes

Granted, all your wishes shall hereafter be ignored by anyone named One.

I wish I had a computer from 10 years into the future.

Granted. It's broken.
I wish to have a pitcher that refills itself up to a fill-line with clean water (without any toxins or inedible materials such as soap) constantly.

Granted, but when you accidentally knock it over, it begins an endless cycle of pouring out, refilling, and pouring out again. Congrats; you flooded the Earth.

I just wish to do well on the SAT I'm about to take in a few minutes.

Granted, But Your Dog Eats It, Absorbs The Knowledge And Passes.
I Wish I Never Became A Seraph.

Granted. Instead of becoming a seraph, you instead became a child-like cherub… without wings. (At this point, you're more or less just a head.)

I wish I had enuff dakka.