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I have created a new religion. Come and join my cult.

Last posted Jun 02, 2023 at 06:53PM EDT. Added Feb 17, 2021 at 12:11PM EST
1106 posts from 20 users

(After reading what you've written so far, I now have a terrible urge to make a video of shitbots doing tribal dances to summon old, third-rate cargo ships out of thin air.)

(Just a month and a half until I'm free.)

(Also if this ends with the pedigree triffid farm getting blown up, I'm going to be very sad. Those poor little guys can't help it if their carnivorous and find human beans to be delicious)

(Don't really mind about the resort going up though, as Number 2917K is many things, but an interior decorator he is not. Ridding the world of that ghastly mess would reduce the amount of hazard pay we have to offer from all of the self-inflicted eye-gouging.)

Bex stopped and crouched down behind some bushes as she approached an outpost in front of a tunnel that led through the large, impassable mountains. Patrols were passing through and two large watchtowers surveilled a gate blocking the tunnel.

"Saima, help me out here." Bex said into her earpiece.

"Shitbots are manning the watchtowers… but the patrols are Human guards, likely security contractors. How odd…" Saima commented from her mission control room, through Bex's earpiece. "You should probably try and find another way through the mountains, I don't think there's a way to go through the gate unnoticed and you're not equipped to take out Shitbots." Saima added.

Bex looked around and found a sewage pipeline that appeared to lead straight through the mountain.

"That pipeline looks to be completely unguarded, check and see if there's any sort of motion detectors or sensors inside the pipe." Saima commented.

Bex inspected the pipeline and found a small electrical box containing a computerized sensor for detecting obstructions and foreign objects in the pipe.

"Looks like they thought ahead." Bex commented.

"Not exactly, it could just be for animals or ordinary clogs and jams in the sewage pipe. The function of detecting infiltrators could very easily be completely coincidental." Saima expounded. "…But it looks like regular, consumer-grade equipment I can probably still get it out of your way, see if there's a USB port and plug your palmtop PC into it." Saima continued.

Bex connected the palmtop to the sensor and let Saima do her work as the faint sound of keyboard strokes could be heard through Bex's earpiece.

"…And done." Saima announced. "This thing now only reports clean, open sewage lines completely free of clogs and I was able to get the name of the manufacturer out of it, too. You're basically invisible to this specific drain line now, so go ahead. I'll try and see if I can get anything out of the manufacturer in terms of shady deals, black budgets and see if I can find any sort of schematics or information related to them. If there's something about the island in there, it'll be extremely useful to the mission." Saima expounded.

"Got it. Let me know if anything comes up." Bex stated before crawling into the sewage pipeline and beginning her long trek in the dark.

(Just in case it's not clear, Saima was the unnamed voice in the earpiece in the earlier posts, too.)

(So, I had an idea for some Shitbot characters.)

(Number 73, A Shitbot that dual wields Colt Single Action Army revolvers and acts like a cowboy. May also use a Winchester Model 1887. Usually fights at a disadvantage due to his refusal to use anything made after the year 1900.)

(Number 91, A Shitbot covered in Kontakt-1 ERA bricks and wearing a Ushanka that sells people defective Soviet equipment in exchange for their use against Shirleyists. Occasionally sells defective Nuclear weapons, lives in a submarine. No matter what you purchase from him, there is a 15% chance that you will just get a dilapidated T-72 that's been stripped of it's armor and electronics with only a damaged engine remaining instead.)

(Number 81, A Shitbot that acts like a guerilla fighter warlord and sells people non-defective weapons of various origins in exchange for their usage against Shirleyists. Occasionally sells people advanced Shitbot technology like plasma throwers and powered exoskeletons. Always accompanied by sand and strong winds. Yells at people in random languages whether they speak them or not.)

(Number 84, A Shitbot wearing sunglasses and a wig that smokes despite not having a mouth, drives Ferrari's and drinks copiously, also despite not having a mouth. Thinks he's a detective, but has comically bad deduction skills. Prioritizes using weaker handgun-shaped plasma throwers over other kinds of weapons, but will budge and use better equipment if the situation calls for it.)

(Number 98, A Shitbot with a custom body made of a matte off-white material, has engines in his legs that allow him to fly and has various guns, cannons and missiles in his limbs that are powerful enough to not be useless against Undefinables.)

(Number 2000, A Shitbot with a custom body made of a glossy black material, has mechanical wings and engines on his back allowing him to fly and numerous large energy weapons all over his body. Can create force fields with a limited durability and size and can create more energy to power himself up even further. Can also teleport away if injured, but can only do it over very long distances and it has a long cooldown that forces him to save for emergency retreating only.)

(Number 9801, A Shitbot that's a weeb with an unhealthy addiction to Visual Novels. Completely useless as a result. Refuses to use computers made after 2003. Mainly a comic relief character. Despite this, he and nobody else can operate a satellite laser that's capable of leveling entire cities.)

(Sorry, I've left this hanging. The Russians invading Russia from Russia to free Russian speaking Russians from Russia has kept me distracted because it's like watching a GTA LARP.)

(Currently they've stolen tanks and helicopters from a Russian military base which they have used to blow apart said base and in response, the Russians are sending in unarmed militia men and have conducted a thermobaric artillery strike on one of their own towns that they didn't bother to evacuate because three dudes took a selfie there before moving on.)

(Reality has somehow reached the same tier as our shitposts.)

(All of those Shitbot ideas are really good, with 91 and 81 being my favourite.)

(None of those numbers are in use either, so we're all good.)

(I look forward to the next instalment of Flawed Light: The Gothening whenever you have the time to add more.)

  • >"Flawed Light: The Gothening"

(First of all, yes I'm fully aware of the fact that the cast of characters is slowly approaching having so many goths that even Neil Gaiman thins there's too many.)

(But what on Earth is a "Flawed Light?" I Googled it because I thought it was some sort of reference I was missing and all I got was a generic romance novel you'd see retired 60-something women reading and a book about female poets being alcoholics. Am I missing something here, because I'm not getting the first half of the joke.)


(…Actually I think the mods banned someone for saying that a while back, so… I'm "really embarrassed…" yeah… "really embarrassed!")

(I don't know much about Perfect Dark, all I know is that it's made by the same developers as Goldeneye 64, I'm honestly going for more of a Metal Gear vibe with Bex. Maybe a little bit of something crazier with the action later on if I can come up with a good action sequence.)

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