"I heard someone singing Come Out Ye Black And Tans and I came as fast as I co-"
Soup King Prime came to a complete stop as he saw the sight of the 1981 Chevrolet Monte Carlo painted all black with white stripes along the bottom and collapsed to his knees. He threw his arms into the air and screamed:
"MY BABY BOY, NOOOOOOOO!"
Quiet_Boi awkwardly staggered out of a near-by alleyway slightly singed and smelling of BBQ.
"Don't worry…boss (coughs) I-I'm alright."
Soup King Prime's head snapped sharply towards the injured boi.
The machine pointed at the burning car with an arm trembling in grief and fury.
"Er…some Hex Maniac looking ho."
Soup King let out a low growl and a portal suddenly tore apart in the air beside him, leading directly to the Kommand Center.
"Hah, I see that my assasi-"
Soup King Prime shoved his arm through the portal with surprising speed and yanked Kaijin through by his throat, holding him above his head and showing him the wreckage and a rather sheepish Quiet_boi.
"SWEET BABY SHIRLEY MAN, IT'S JUST A CAR!"
"I SPENT HOURS WORKING ON THAT! IT WAS PEREFECT IN EVERY WAY! WHO DIS!"
" BEX…IT WAS BEX. THE BLACK & WHITE-LOOKIN' MOFO!"
About five hours later, Bex was back in her apartment trying to workout which motorcycle outfit she wanted to sleep in tonight when she heard an unexpected knock at her door. Sauntering over with the eased grace of a smug cat, she called out:
"Tis me, t' local neighbourhood Leprechaun sent t' give ye m' pot of gold for payment of automobiles atomised."
"Why would a Leprechaun willingly give away his pot o' gold, mmm?"
"Because Kaijin recorded a video of me and two Thai ladyboys. Tis very embarrassin' which be why Oi'm givin' ye m' pot o' gold to keep it quiet."
Bex opened the door and was greeted by a small Irish faery dressed like a 18th Century journeyman with a shamrock tucked into the brim of his hat and a large pot of faery gold that was excitingly growing larger as she looked at it with an almost frightening sp-
The pot of gold caught her under the chin and sent her flying backwards into the room, where her ample BMI score cushioned most of the blow. As she lay there dazed on the floor, dozens of Leprechauns flooded into her apartment and pinned her down.
As she lay there struggling against the tide of angry, semi-sober midgets, her face turned to the doorway and to the one that clobbered the absolute fuck out of her.
"Tráthnóna maith, a bhean óg"
Bex stared furiously at the machine and defiantly spat out.
"Do you think I'm afraid of an old rust bucket like you?"
Soup King Prime stepped into the room and a group of Leprechauns followed, bringing in what looked like a 5ft x 5ft square of turf covered in a white grass.
"Cuir ar an bhféar ocrach í, a bhuachaillí"
The teeming mass of Fenian Fae man-handled the writhing form of Bex onto the white grass, helped by the odd kick or two from Soup King Prime
After being pinned onto the white grass, Bex's fury soon turned into terror, as she felt her body starting to get slimmer. At this startling realisation, she let out a shrill cry of:
"NO! GIRTH IS WORTH!"
The assembled crowd of men and machine laughed at her misery as she slowly and surely lost her THICCness and became slightly thinner than average.
As the crowd of magical goons left her flat after raiding it for all of the alcohol they could find, Soup King Prime bent over the traumatised form of Bex that was now shivering in a motorcycle suit eight sized too big for her and whispered in a low, menacing voice:
"I've gone easy on you this time. Do this again and it will be a month long routine of dieting and exercise courses with friendly, motivated gym instructors. Understand?"
Bex gave a low whimper and the machine left to go and salvage what he could from his beloved car.