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Chase @chaselyons if you say "its so hot out" out loud then someone from arizona will materialize out of thin air and tell you you've never experienced real heat before

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Abby Heugel @AbbyHaslssues Got a new bottle of dish soap and now I'm using what's left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket. 8:09 PM · 03 Oct 18 435 Retweets 3,186 Likes

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slate @PleaseBeGneiss Me: *staring out window* looks like rain Submarine captain: what Me: but like more 11:31 AM · 2020-01-23 · Twitter for iPhone 2,400 Retweets and comments 12.1K Likes

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Get a Loada Dis Guy @AwDisFckingGuy I won't be taking my kids to church. I'm going to give them a journal and a bag of shrooms and drop them off somewhere in the mountains. They can create their own religion 9:52 PM · 2020-06-08 · Twitter for iPhone

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online moose @tiemoose science teacher: now does anyone know why the water and oil separated me: [remembering what my parents told me] is it because of me 4:05 PM · 2019-03-11 · Twitter for Android 12.5K Retweets 157 Quote Tweets 104K Likes

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Ultima | #StopAsianHate ... @UltimaShadowX Flawless Defense Block @low? Block @overhead? will not be able to follow you or 'will not be able to follow you or Tweets, and you will not see Twe Tweets, and you will not see Twe or notifications from @low. r notifications from @overhead. @mid @high Account suspended Account suspended Twitter suspends accounts which violate the Twitter Rules Twitter suspends accounts which violate the Twitter Rules 7:50 PM Mar 15, 2021 · Twitter Web App

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lil wayne lighter flick @braag_ hello vegans, if PIGS are so SMART why do 66% of them build houses with INEFFECTIVE, STUPID materials

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the drake gatsby @DrakeGatsby Hoping to find money in last year's winter coat is the closest thing I have to a savings account >

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AparnaRC @Wordesse I'm at that age when I click directly on the "Forgot password" button without even trying it once. 8:14 PM · 3/8/21 · Twitter for Android

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sio ... @bestinsio why can't a cover letter be "I want to work here soo bad. Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please" 10:13 AM · 3/8/21 · Twitter for iPhone

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annika, your close family friend @subtleferret >it's real Ash (Suicide promoter) @HITWOM4N Today 11:39 AM what animal do you think you could take in a fight If you ever want to kill an hour with a Delivered guy ask him what animals he thinks he could take in a fight Oh my god How much time do you have 12:35 AM - 3/3/21 - Twitter for iPhone

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mark normand O @marknorm Weird that 'middle of the road' means you're bland or boring, it's literally the most dangerous & exciting place you can be. 9:17 AM · 3/9/21 · Twitter for iPhone

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French Fry Crusted Corn Dogs @Blacknmild T really thought this was two people in French fry costumes

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kristofer thomas @itskristofer turbotax: do you have any dependants? me: i am the backbone of several groupchats 11:07 PM · 2021-03-16 · Twitter Web App 87 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet 968 Likes

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shira has OCD and ADHD @shiraisinspired "ur so quiet" if I talk I will spend years ruminating on what I said 8:06 PM · 2021-03-16 · Twitter for iPhone 88 Retweets 2 Quote Tweets 609 Likes

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sweetheart of the rodeo @clownesvanzandt Rasputin had the ideal job which is being a weird guy who just kind of hangs around 5:37 PM · 2021-03-16 · Twitter for Android 1,227 Retweets 69 Quote Tweets 10.9K Likes

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Hormone Monstress. @bexx402 Got my stimmy on St. Patrick's Day. Call that luck of the IRS. 9:13 AM · 2021-03-17 · Twitter for iPhone 16.6K Retweets 1,092 Quote Tweets 84.4K Likes

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Austin @adoptedhighway bouncers at nightclubs should ask riddles instead of going by appearance 10:09 PM · 2021-03-17 · Twitter for iPhone 269 Retweets 19 Quote Tweets 4,081 Likes

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