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The Onion @TheOnion Cost Of Living Now Outweighs Benefits Cost Of Living Now Outweighs Benefits S theonion.com bf5a7e05ce7c8471.jpg 53 KB JPG >2047 my reat +ife wi++start >2048 my reattife wit+start >2019 my reattifo wi++start >2020 my reattife wi+start >2024 my Feat +ife wi++start >2022 my real life will start

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Anonymous 03/24/16(Thu)06:47:58 No.675573664 I Am Veteran Doctor >Be a new doctor >Very new >Man comes in with pains in the stomach >He said he hasn't ate in 4 days >Don't know what to do >Put leaches on his legs >After 17 jars he looks really pale >Are you a vampire? >"Nay" >That is what a vampire would say.manuscript >He is stabbed with a stake >He dies >l remember that vampires die if stabbed in the heart with wooden stake >He died so he must have been a vampire >King rewards me with 20 silver pieces and a nice hat >l am Doctor

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: Anonymous 04/05/18(Thu)08:02:15 No.44422418 >paid a h----- an extra $10 to shout "yamete onii- chan!!-" when i f----- her Best use of that $10 ever 88 KB JPG

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: Anonymous 12/27/21(Mon)15:12:38 No.869420178 >be me in high school >Like 12 or 13 years ago but still remember this clear as day >In biology class and somehow the topic of blood diamonds come up and the fake rarity of diamonds 28 KB JPG >The girl sitting next to me starts saying how pointless and horrible it is for women to expect their men to drop so much money on something that comes from slavery, isn't even rare and is especially pointless >The rest of the girls in the class start lashing out at her, she then says >"C'mon ladies this is ridiculous, do you love your man or his money?" >All the girls got quiet and there was an awkward silence for like 30 seconds before the teacher changed the subject and went back to normal class discussions I still think about this, I still see that girl sometimes and she's still really cool, one of the few women I actually have alot of respect for

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: Anonymous 03/28/21(Sun)10:00:03 No.850728037 >work night shift >on lunch break at 4 AM >sitting in dark parking lot in car with windows rolled down >hear footsteps approaching >see man appear from the darkness 112 KB GIF >he looks around >doesn't notice me >he pulls down his pants and starts taking a s--- >watching this guy taking a s--- while i eat my sandwich >he is struggling >constipated.jpg >i sneeze >he gets startled and looks at my direction >spotted.png >we look at each other for a minute >i break the awkward silence >'nice a------ bro' >'thanks' >'got any paper towels?' >hand him some napkins >quickly drive off i have to find another parking lot now, this one is tainted

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: Anonymous 01/02/22(Sun)07:24:24 No.869822479 >be me >french >words in french have genders >word for computer is female >look up boob pics on computer >female shows me boob pics >see ya later virgins 33 KB JPG

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: Anonymous 01/01/22(Sat)12:08:38 No.869757248 GOD: >wants you to worship him all day every day. >tells you what you should and shouldn't do without context or any real reason. 66 KB GIF >will get jealous at the though of you worshipping another god. >sends himself down as a sacrifice to himself to appease himself so humanity doesn't have to face the wrath of himself. >gives you the option to believe in him, but if you don't he'll cast you into a fiery lake of pain for all eternity. >punishes job who is a loyal follower over a cheap bet. >he loves you SATAN: >never asks you to worship him. >redpills adam and eve in the garden of eden, which frees them from being mindless npc's. >looked like chad when he was an angel. >wants you to be able to do whatever you want to. >advocates and supports human pleasures. >his realm has all the celebrities, partiers, rockstars, who feared nothing. >has a f------ demon dog with badass horns. Who is the evil one again?

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>Be female(female) >Be "robot" discords >Random ass dude(s) DM you because you have urself as pfp and ure a woman >Hello hihi >.<I am not like other guys not sexuality frustated hehe :333 just wants friends hahaha 1.69 MB PNG >Just talk to them out of pity ask what video games they play and what they do At this point most of u are just complete brick and fail to pick on any conversation I try to start with you and just kill the convo completely and you result to doing "hi :D" "Good night" "hey" every 3 hours But if thats not the case >Random guy starts falling in love with me because I talked to him about X video X movie or listened to his problem he is going through >Literally his girlfriend in his head >He tries to flirt or talks about m----------- with me >Tell I do hookup with others guys (usually on tinder) From here it can go in 2 ways Route A: >OMG U BITCH W---- REEEEEEEEEEEEE WHY U HAVE SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEX WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF WHY U NO SEX WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE FIRS THING IN UR LIFEEEEE Route B: >Hey girl wanna let me put my unwashed c--- in you ;))))))) >Tell them I see them as pen pal or friend >pretends everything is okay and ghosts >has meltdown like route A And you wonder why youre lonely 11 Replies / 2 Images View Thread

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: Anonymous (ID: UBJI06A9) EE 03/28/21(Sun)10:53:44 No.314055710 Why is p--- "free"? 1.33 MB GIF : Anonymous (ID: ERMIQL5) 03/28/21(Sun)10:55:40 No.314055923 You pay with your soul. >>314056253 # >»314056324 # >>314056358 # >>314056703 # >>314056805 # >>314056930 # >>314058051 # >>314058688 # >>314059313 # »314060353 # >>314060464 # >>314061625 # >>314062131 # >>314065229 # >>314067383 # >>314069964 # >314070646 # >314070660 # >>314071345 # >>314072426 # >>314073708 # »314074561 # >>314076275 # >>314077770 # >>314077773 # >>314078918 # >>314079854 # >>314080244 #

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| Anonymous 11/05/16(Sat)03:24:29 No.71060352 So I've been c------ in my roommates girlfriend's body wash because they're annoying as f---. For like two months, jerk it in the shower, open the pump, dump it in, and give it a good shake. 14 KB JPG He just told me her period was super late so they took a pregnancy test and she's knocked up. He said "I trust her, I guess a condom ripped or idk" and they're going to raise it. We have a year on the lease. Problem is, I'm Greek and they're white as f---. What are the chances I'm a dad? : Anonymous 11/05/16(Sat)03:25:48 No.710603604 what the f--- is wrong with you >>710603671 # >>710604623 #

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: Anonymous 01/02/22(Sun)11:32:45 No.66815095 >think I'm not successful enough to get a girl >have my own place but a boring, unskilled job >unemployed people gets gfs >that's not it 15 KB PNG >think I'm too ugly to get a gf >ugly people gets gfs too >that's not it >think I'm not fit enough to get a gf >fat f---- gets gfs too >that's not it >only have introverted hobbies and think I'm too boring to get a gf >people that just sit around and watch TV gets gfs >that's not it WHAT THE F--- IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEEE

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Anonymous 03/14/21(Sun)21:25:35 No.849599313 >Dad left when I was 12yo >l'm now 36yo >Calls me every 3 months or so to ask if I want fish >lf I say yes he drops by and gives me a frozen fish I think my dad has autism. 13 KB JPG

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png (19 KB, 123x117) I f----- up No.46975740 Anonymous 33 sec. ago So I may have humiliated myself and my mother in front of 20 or so people. >be me 19 neet who's only kept around because I can cook >mum has large party happening. Anniversary of something or some s---. >mum asks me to make a chicken parm bake with my little sister but to let her do the majority >fuckit.idontcare >the entire time she is asking f------ questions that she has no intent on getting answers to >doesn't even know how to preheat an oven >eventually i reach my wits end and just f------ screech "MISSY DO I HAVE TO DIG UP HITLER JUST TO SHOW YOU HOW TA USE A F------ OVEN?" entire house heard this btw. I have a booming voice >mfw my mother slapped me and my sister ran off crying >mfw I still need to finish the chicken bake because I don't want to waste chicken >mfw instead of fixing s--- I came here

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: Anonymous 01/24/21(Sun)08:18:56 No.62001152 Anyone else probably gonna die a virgin because you refuse to settle for the fat/ugly easy girls? I'm just not even interested in anything less than a qt, or at least a chubby girl with sexy fat distribution and a decent face. 84 KB JPG : Anonymous 01/24/21(Sun)08:21:17 No.62001180 >>62001152 (OP) # >applies reverse logic >realises women will never settle for him 23 KB PNG tfw

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H--------, do I have a story for you. Happened yesterday, but finally writing this out. >many moons ago I was in college >met girl through friends who was just so mundane and forgettable. 158 KB JPG >introduce myself >l keep "meeting" her because she was so f------ plain and boring I would forget her >girl gets p----- everytime I "introduce myself" >girl gets complex over it because she's "generic white girl #4" >l don't help it at all as throughout the 4 years I was in college, I could never remember this chick. >Graduated. Working for years in industry. >Business meeting with other departments, introduce myself to a really mundane and forgettable girl >This. Chick. FLIPS. OUT. >She attacks me infront of large group of peers and management. >She's restrained and security escorts her out screaming. Guys.. The last thing she said was "I bet you'll remember me now, you f-----!". I legit don't know what's wrong with me. Great way to start the 3-day weekend. : Anonymous 01/01/22(Sat)02:51:05 No.869720963 : Anonymous 01/01/22(Sat)02:52:51 No.869721058 : Anonymous 01/01/22(Sat)02:54:07 No.869721114 >>869720828 (OP) # Inb4 leddit screenshot

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TOMMY HILFICEP 918C6D05-AC64-4623-8A6B-276D8F8C2BE5.jpg 88 KB JPG PRISON IFFY UH SOAP GETTIN SLIPPY UH CELLMATE GOT THE STIFFY UH BOIHOLE GETTIN JIZZY UH | Anonymous 11/01/18(Thu)07:59:10 No.8373910 CUUUUUUMMMMM GAAAAANNNGGGGG

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: Anonymous 02/12/19(Tue)20:46:04 No.792494021 >be me, 17f and in treatmen and recovery from r--- >walking through petco to pick up crickets for my friends pet lizard >lock eyes with this cat in the adoption area >she presses her paw up to the 570 KB JPG glass >cryinginpublic.jpg >l impulsively adopt her >two months later, sucidal thoughts almost nonexistent and able to talk to strangers again >cat is my best friend, she never leaves my side when I'm home and encourages me to get out of bed in the morning Don't forget to give your pet a hug today

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