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Bots of New York March 24 - O "My workout partners called me The Kanye of steroids. I used to smoke rock ... candy and pee in the trash. Most of the guys would pay me to train with them. I was made to smoke a joint while everyone was smoking hot ass. I even had a carrot butt named Bushwhacked. I felt like The Commanding Officer of the Marines. I thought I was supposed to be like Michael Jordan or Marvin Gaye. But I just wanted to curl my toes and think about all the fun times I had as a child. After a few months, the twins were born and I gained some perspective. I realized that I had overcompensated for the weakness of my previous vegan choices. Now I realize that eating two pounds of vegan chocolate cod liver oil every day is a bit extreme." TCS NEW YOCITY MARATI 019

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Bots of New York ... April 14 O "I've been trying to find Waldo for twelve years. I've tried every telephone number. I've tried telegraphs. I've tried the New York Stock Exchange. I've tried the S&P 500. I've even tried the Bermuda Stock Triangle. But I haven't seen him in over two decades. I want to see him burn in hell. I know that sounds harsh but I really believe that God has a plan for him." RDASIU BRASIL BRASIL

... Bots of New York April 6 · O "I figured, What's the worst that could happen? It's only weed.' So I tried it full strength, and it felt like my face was turned into a microwave. I went to the ER and they put me into a medically induced coma. Two T-Rexs came charging at me from different directions. I asked the blue one: "Why aren't there more billionaires?' That's when the psychiatrist finally kicked in my door. I woke up with a whimper. He told me: Your dreams are over. Harvest is futile. Hell is coming."

... Bots of New York April 2 · 6 "After I got in trouble, they put me on a treatment called MKULTRA. They'd gotten some weird looking equipment from the government, and they'd hooked me up to the most powerful computers in the world. They'd even gotten me a fake severed head to play with in the name of science. But nobody ever seemed to notice that I was having a bad day. Luckily I was a med student, and had access to some of the best cocaine in the city." PRIE

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My dentist plays nothing but Radiohead at his office

... Bots of New York March 18 - O "My dentist plays nothing but Radiohead at his office. I tried to give him money to fix my dentures, but he said: 'Dentures are vanity. You don't belong here."

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I honestly don’t even see her as a cartoon

Bots of New York April 16 at 9:12 AM O "I honestly don't even see her as a cartoon. Jessica Rabbit is the most beautiful being. I imagine her wearing nothing but leggings, and walking around with a cane, and spitting on me. It's the image of her being completely free, and unbound, and able to do whatever she wants. Sometimes I imagine that we're playing Pokémon, and even though l'm crying, we have our initials embroidered on the towels."

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All I could say was 'Holy. Fucking. Shit.'

... Bots of New York April 17 at 9:17 AM O "All I could say was 'Holy. F------. S---.' The doctor ordered an MRI, and I couldn't believe it! It was the worst brain surgery in the history of medicine! The surgeon tried to cut the brain stem! The stick came out so it'd be impossible to fix! Luckily l'm a carpenter, and I was able to fashion a new stem out of mahogany. The next day my phone rang. Someone on the other end said: "You're The F------ Man.' Then I just quit school and went straight into underground banking. I made enough in three months to send my son to college." CMONC onot lean n doxr

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I'm not much of a wine person

Bots of New York May 8 at 2:27 PM 6 "I'm not much of a wine person. But I love to imagine what a wine person would taste like."

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So I met this beautiful woman

... Bots of New York May 10 at 4:49 PM - "So I met this beautiful woman. We were both looking for a friend. I thought she'd be more 'hip hop-influenced.' We exchanged boyfriend details on the Internet. After a few dates, we exchanged our clothes. Then two weeks later she cheated on me with a dude friend. I dumped her. She went back to him, but he dumped her too. So I dumped her too. Then two weeks after that I met this woman who was so great that she actually wanted to be my girlfriend. She was all sweetness and cuddles. We talked about the future. We talked about starting a family. But then we got pregnant. So I dumped her too."

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I genuinely thought this was Bots of New York for a second

Amy Barrett Browning ... September 25, 2019 - O I genuinely thought this was Bots of New York for a second Humans of New York September 20, 2019 Like Page "I was like an 'incel kid. I'd never had a girlfriend. I'd only had sex with prostitutes. I was very suicidal. Then one day I was standing next to a cute girl at a bus stop, and I googled: 'How to approach women.' Thať's when I came across a forum for pick-up artists. It's exactly what I'd been looking for. It seemed like a cure for my autism. I watched all the videos I could find. I started working out at a gym. I'd spend all day approaching women. Soon I was only hanging out with other pick-up artists. They respected me. They wanted to learn from me. Finally there was something I was good at. Right now I have over one thousand numbers in my phone. It's a bit like gambling. Sometimes it goes well. Sometimes it doesn't. But you always have the chance for sex. There are so many tricks to learn. Women have emotional brains. They get addicted to feelings. You can use that to your advantage. The first time you meet her-tell her she looks amazing. But never give her a full compliment again. She'll always chase that validation. It's like a drug. Tell her 'she looks beautiful for her age. Tell her 'she looks good in this lighting.' Keep her insecure with half compliments. Keep her feeling like there's something wrong with her. Like she's not good enough for you. Like she needs sex for validation. Of course it's manipulation, but why should I care? I've been manipulated so many times in my life." (Amsterdam, The Netherlands)

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My brother got stabbed in the back with a screwdriver while he was waiting for me at the subway stop

... Bots of New York September 26, 2019 ·O "My brother got stabbed in the back with a screwdriver while he was waiting for me at the subway stop. I was in the process of buying some tools, and when I heard the commotion, I turned around to see a guy with a blade coming at me from the bushes. I got away, but the guy chased me down with a meat cleaver. I've been on the streets ever since. It's been eight months since I last saw him. When I work, I always see him in Central Park. I do have a small group of friends that I hang out with, but whenever the sun goes down, they're all at the same coffee shop."

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My dad was so afraid of waste, he would drink milk that had been expired for weeks

... Bots of New York May 6 at 2:19 PM - "My dad was so afraid of waste, he would drink milk that had been expired for weeks. He'd take it out slowly, and let it drip for two or three minutes. Then he'd scoop it up with his fist. After a few months, he would empty the entire canister into the garbage can. Then one day he gave up, and went to the hospital. When we finally made it to the hospital, the doctor said 'l don't know what I'm looking at,' and the nurse was so scared that she dropped to her knees. The doctor said to me: 'Don't worry about it. I'm going to look it up on the Internet.' And he did. He watched every video he could find about it. Then he diagnosed my father with an 'intolerance.' My father was 'intolerant. After that he never touched the milk again." ZARO'S ZARO'S

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I got my hand stuck in a Pringles can

... Bots of New York March 2 O "I got my hand stuck in a Pringles can. I couldn't pull it out. My whole body felt like a heater. It was so hot I didn't want to live. I was so thirsty. I wanted to die. I sat there and smoked a joint for two days straight. Then I heard the gunk on the cover of the can. And with shock and horror I tried to peel back the case. I tried to take it apart. My vision went black and I heard people screaming behind me. The stench of cooked food filled my nostrils. Finally, the plastic snapped. The metal came off. And it scared the s--- out of me. I never hit a Pringles can again." 1 242 St-Broadway, Bronx South Ferry, Manhattan SZMOORO38 THIMKIMD

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I'd been doing nothing but drinking for months on end

Bots of New York ... October 29, 2019 - O "I'd been doing nothing but drinking for months on end. I was getting close to hitting rock bottom. I absolutely detested drugs. I didn't think there was anything funny about it. But finally one morning a homeless guy walked up to me in a dream, and he had a megaphone. He said: "What's up? You're one of them hippies.' I woke up that morning, because I usually woke up at 3 AM. So I said to myself: 'F--- it, I'm going to try heroin." Sturdin

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I grew up in a small town in North Carolina

Bots of New York ... September 9, 2019 · O "I grew up in a small town in North Carolina. Homeless as a child, I slept on the streets and picked up whatever I could carry. I had a butcher knife, a carpenter's hammer, and an 18th Century drill for fighting Nazis. I played sports and played badminton. I felt like any time I wasn't performing, it was because I was lazy or crazy. But I became fascinated with acting. I studied the British Legionnaire's Handbook. I learned how to unzip a zipper. I studied Chinatown. My favorite thing about living in New York is the smell of the subway. And the smell of subway cars."

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Bots of New York - My workout partners called me The Kanye of steroids

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Bots of New York March 24 - O "My workout partners called me The Kanye of steroids. I used to smoke rock ... candy and pee in the trash. Most of the guys would pay me to train with them. I was made to smoke a joint while everyone was smoking hot ass. I even had a carrot butt named Bushwhacked. I felt like The Commanding Officer of the Marines. I thought I was supposed to be like Michael Jordan or Marvin Gaye. But I just wanted to curl my toes and think about all the fun times I had as a child. After a few months, the twins were born and I gained some perspective. I realized that I had overcompensated for the weakness of my previous vegan choices. Now I realize that eating two pounds of vegan chocolate cod liver oil every day is a bit extreme." TCS NEW YOCITY MARATI 019

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