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Granted. One day, you're telling her about your problems, and she makes them out to be much worse than they actually are. Because of this, she figures you'd be much happier if you were dead. She sets out to kill you regardless of what you say, insisting that it would be the best solution.

I wish that, whenever someone wanted to steal something, they'd do it like this.

Granted, but they managed to outsmart various museum guard and steal everything at the Smithsmonian, the Koh-i-noor and Regent diamonds, the Keys to Trump's "football", and Disney's entire arsenal of subsidiaries, bonds and brands, .

Then then sell everything they stole for enough money to break the economy.

I wish that a Leprechaun appears in NYC.

Granted, but it's the Fighting Irish leprechaun, and he beats up everybody he sees.

I wish for night vision.

Granted, you now have night vision.
All day.
Every day.

I wish to be blessed with unquestionable charisma.

Granted but you get uncontrollable diarrhea

I wish i had a real serperior

Granted, but it's so weak, you could beat it with Leech Seed.

I wish Pichu wasn't so hilariously weak.

Granted, but he beats the living crap out of you, your family, and friends for at least an hour everyday.

I wish I had a real Gengar that always wore a top hat.

Granted, but your house gets frequent visits from real Psychics, Exorcists, and Jehovah's Witnesses.

I wish for the Sword of Damocles

Granted, but it doesn't work.

I wish to burn all fedoras and trilby hats.

Granted, but you also burn all the top hats, sombreros, baseball caps and bucket hats; now a legion of bourgeoisie gentlemen, Mexicans, baseball fanatics and fishermen are after you.

I want a Pepsi can to be delivered to me by the one and only Pepsi Man.

Granted, but you aren't at the house when he arrives, so he just drinks it.

I wish for a long range tracker that would alert me when it detected a girl who sat cross legged in a chair.

Granted, good luck finding them when they do it.

I wish for another Pepsi to be delivered to me by Pepsi man, btw I'm at a violent protest.

Granted, but this causes even MORE violence.

I wish that ads returned to YouTube so that creators can benefit again.

Granted, but the next stunt from youtubers cause them to not only pull out ads, but to sue google for attempted slander, causing them to declare Youtube a lost cause and cut it loose.

I wish to play Stellaris IRL

Granted, but reality quickly ensues as your approval ratings quickly go down thanks to one of your actions being taken out of context, resulting in your downfall.

I wish that there is a scandal involving type-moon

Granted, but the scandal was so big that the group is bankrupt, their various series become hated more than disco and a discourse about using myths in fiction starts.

I wish for some Dwarf Star Alloy.

Granted, but you only get a couple grams of it.

I wish that my dakimakura came to life. (This is going to end horribly, isn't it?)

Granted. The image on your pillow comes to like, but suffers an existential crisis about being a sexualized fictional construct. The existence of which has you targeted by the government to research the construct and possibly shame you for your taste in waifus.

I wish to terraform Mars

Granted, but for some reason, there's a hole in Mars going all the way through the planet, but you fall through.

I wish to be mean.

Granted, but everyone hates you, and you become a parirah.

I wish for a trip to Antarctica.

Granted. Have fun trying to survive in Antarctica, because you're not getting a trip back home.

I wish to be friends with a dolphin.

Granted: Your dolphin "friend" then abuses you in several ways.

I want to own a palace made of chocolate built by Willy Wonka himself.

Granted. The sheer deliciousness of your castle has become widely known, leading to several people stealing little bits of it to eat, which eventually leads to the whole thing crumbling down.

I wish for an entire swimming pool full of disembodied tits.

Granted; it's a pool filled with the spirits of every member of the Tit family, which haunt you forever.
(picture related)

I wish to have a charming aura so that people will enjoy my presence.

Granted, but everybody of compatible orientations will lust after you and ditch their significant others just to attempt getting in your pants (or getting you into their pants). Birth rates decline, you get a reputation as wanting polyamory and scientists try to do test on your to see if you are made of aphrodisiacs.

I wish for a drill that cna pierce the heavens.

Granted, but it proves to be too heavy for you, and it pierces hell instead of heaven as a result, causing a massive influx of demons to invade earth.

I wish that people die if they are killed.

Granted, but nothing changes

I wish for a fish to squish.

Granted, but it's so slippery, when you squish it, it flies out of your hand and hits you in the face. It ricochets between your face and your hand, and when you move your hand, it ricochets off the floor and hits you in the face. When you try to run, it bounces in a wide parabola and catches up to you, bouncing off the ground/floor and into your face again. No matter what you do, it always finds a way to ricochet into your face.

This continues on for the rest of your life.

Deseo que este deseo fuera en inglés.

Granted:

I wish that reality TV was actually, you know, authentic.

Granted, but now it's more boring than The Wild Thornberrys.

I wish that, no matter what age someone was, they'd have lots of childish fun and make lots of silly memories during every summer.

Granted, by there is now an annual concern about coddling manchildren and people ignoring their responsibilities.

I wish for some nice livable real estate in Enkelados

Granted, but your neighbors are annoying, louder than a jackhammer, and won't move out.

I wish I had a pair of indestructible headphones.

Granted, but you can't wear them because they are too rigid to bend.

I wish for a new part to JoJo

Granted, but it proves to suck so much that it killed the entire JoJo franchise.

I wish to #FucKonami.

Granted, but it gives birth to a company even worse than Konami.

I wish to have the same mindset as Jontron

Granted, but you get Ornithophobia and you think someday the world will be destroyed by giant birds that can spit acid and are mutated via global warming or something like that. This causes you to waste all your money on billions of coat hangers incase such a situation were to actually happen.

I wish I could upvote posts without waiting 5 seconds.

Granted, but the only changes you can make are adding random spaces.

I wish YouTube splits from Google

Granted, but Google keeps all the videos and video uploading.

I wish I could quickly and easily come up with funny jokes.

Granted, but Google keeps all the videos and video uploading.

I wish I could quickly and easily come up with funny jokes.

Granted, you become a famous comedian, but you will always feel the pressure of pleasing the crowd.

I wish for some drums.

Granted, but they're broken.

I wish Bill Nye Saves The World didn't exist.

Granted, but since Bill Nye doesn't save the world, we all die.

I wish, whenever someone saw a photo, drawing, etc. of a boxing glove, it would spring out and punch them in the face.

Granted, but then fatalities rise because of people being mobbed by Punch-Out, ARMS and Ashita no Joe fanart.

I wish that whever everyone loops at a picture of a lava lamp, they get one wish.

Granted, but somebody wishes to undo your wish.

I wish, whenever someone said "nope", an anvil would fall on somebody random near them (it could be the person who said it, and it will be if they're the only one there).

Granted. but "Nope" becomes a banned word for being a danger to the population.

I wish for some Edelweiss

Granted, you get a wall from the Edelweiss restaurant in Indiana jabbed painfully through your hip.

I wish, whenever someone said "attack", three Serpentine would rush in and pound them three times each before jumping away.

Granted but they know Poison Jab and fatalities rise. Attack then becomes a banned word.

I wish for Podracing.

Granted but you nobody will ever have herd the famous line "Now this is Podracing" and the are as common as a STD

I want a fire emblem Anna amiibo

Granted; for added immersion, it charges $10 for every use.

I wish for a beef bowl.

Granted. However, you get more than you bargained for as you get the dick meat as well. In fact, a large portion of it is dick meat.

I wish it is always winter.