Status Update:
It had been a week since I had discovered Kaijin's hiding place and I had decided to return to find out what they were up to; as no one has replied to my letters, e-mails or carrier pigeons.
Unfortunately, they had deviously upgraded their security protocols since my last visit by locking their windows, bolting all of the doors and closing the curtains.
Because of this, I had to resort to emptying out a flower pot, placing it against the front door and seeing if I could hear anything that might clue me in onto their current plans.
Strangely, all I could hear was what appeared to be a repeating loop of Sweet Sweet Gwendoline, Manchmal Haben Frauen and Mein Baby War Beim Friseur.
Resigning myself to the fact that this mystery would have to continue for the time being, I returned home to get the buffet ready, for it was a Tuesday and we needed to get ready for the next catastrophe to befall us.
This week's fresh hell came in the form of some sort of bio-mechanical creatures that referred to themselves as the Undefinable Revelation.
I was greatly surprised at the civility of these beings as they only killed me eight times in a row before finally deigning to react to my attempts to commune with them; which is much better than most things that come crawling out of 56's and 82's Hell Portal.
They claimed to be servants of Shirley and creations of Kaijin.
I had doubts about this, so I arranged for two tests to see if there was any truth in these claims.
First of all, I had them perform the Ancient Rite of Agadoo.
After multiple, serious self-inflicted injuries, it was clear to all who witnessed it that these were indeed creations of Kaijin.
As we let them rest and recover from this strenuous ordeal, the leader (Bloodgrinder or something like that) asked me what my origin was and how I came to be here.
Being still groggy from my recent resurrection and previous eight murders, I couldn't be arsed to tell her that, so I just repeated the lyrics to Viva la Vida instead.
She said she understood my pain.
As we were about to carry out the second test, one of them turned into a brass, fire bellowing bull in preparation for the upcoming trial.
After seeing this, we all agreed that the second test was not necessary after all and that they were truly pious worshippers of Shirley.
Cows are cool.
The Undefinables seemed to be terribly bemused by the fact that we follow and adhere to both the Church of Shirley and the Cult of the Circle simultaneously, as they thought they we were in eternal conflict.
I explained to them that they were currently in the dankest timeline, and as such, this was completely acceptable and normal for this plane of existence.
They are currently residing with ourselves as they try and comprehend the situation they have found themselves in.
Despite the somewhat frequent beheadings and the drastic, rapid redecoration of our church every morning; this current arrangement seems to be working quite well.
On a much brighter note, it seems that Number 2 has struck up a friendship of sorts with their leader.
They have slain everyone one of us shitbots at least once, but so far Number 2 has remained untouched.
Since Number 2 is the purest and most innocent of us all, perhaps they see no threat in him. Perhaps they see something of the goddess they adore so much instead.
He is not exactly welcomed by them, but he is at least tolerated and sometimes they will even talk to him; although admittedly it is mostly the dragon-lady that converses with him.
This pleases us greatly, as we have calculated that despite their impressive shape shifting abilities, the leader still does have a large enough circumference to feasibly survive the results of what would happen if they did lay a hand on poor, little Number 2.
A few minutes before I had written this report, I was about to give them the locations of Kaijin's Church when I was approached by the Undefinable referred to as Rhajamaut, who came to meet me in my office.
She asked me if I knew of any biological males in the area, as she had "important, personal business" to take care of.
My first thought was of Brother Boi, but he had been dragged kicking and screaming into the ventilation shafts by Sam, who had presumably taken him back to her "Girl Cave" a few days before their arrival; so, I had to assume he was busy.
My next thought was of Brother Olors, but then it occurred to me that they weren't biological in nature. Also, they were currently carrying out the Lord's work in the western sector, so would be unavailable for the foreseeable future anyway.
The civilians had gone to wherever civilians go whenever me and Kaijin have our little kerfuffles, so kidnapping a biological male was out of the question.
This left me with just suggesting Ex-Brother Kaijin, as I'm 80% sure that they are actually male and human under all those layers they wear. Besides, as they are both adults, I'm sure they would be able to sort out any misunderstandings they might have relatively easily.
Rhajamaut thanked me for this information and said she would pass it onto the rest of the Undefinables "as soon as she was finished with her business".
Hopefully, this will both raise their spirits and ease the tensions between us; as I must admit that spending the last two days with no head has been most inconvenient.
Most inconvenient indeed!