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Granted. You are promptly arrested for the possession of an illegal firearm with a proper license.

I wish for a power-pop 80's montage for everything so I can do things with enthusiasm.

but there's no lead for the government to find out i have an illegal weapon
also i don't think handmade weapons from another universe fall under US firearm laws.
Granted. The enthusiasm wears off after the second time.
I wish for a legal permit to own a handmade rifle from another universe.

Granted, the first time you fire it you find out your gunsmithing skills are shite.

I believe I'll have a Samuel Adams…

It's handmade by Ruby Rose, not me.
Granted. Your liver dies.
I wish for a gunsmithing skill of 100.

Granted. You die in agony from a poisoned bullet
I wish for you to end up in silent hill

Granted, BUT I'M TAKING YOU DOWN WITH ME, MUTHAFUKA!
I wish Half Life 3 was finally published

Granted, it wasn't a good ride.
I wish for for some Sky Rims.

Granted. The Rims are much too high in the sky to retrieve. Your primary means of transportation is rim-less.

I wish for the sun to fuck right off so I can go back to sleep.

why, though?
Granted. You go to sleep and never wake up.
I wish i could kill the jackass who decided it would be a good idea to send a fucking FAX THAT SETS OFF EVERY GOD DAMN SOUND IN THE HOUSE AT 9:20 IN THE FUCKING MORNING AFGNJGKSJLGHJNKSDGJA

Granted, he was TWO days away from retirement and six hours short of curing cancer, making real life Pokémon, and introduce you to your new, loving waifu.

I wish for Jolly Ranchers candies.

none of those matter to me
and then i read the last part
you sir, are truly one evil motherfucker.
Granted. The jolly ranchers stick to the inside of your throat, blocking food from getting through, so you have to get them surgically removed. The medical bill is also $500,000,000
I wish Don and Molly would stop shitposting.

Granted, without that shitposting to complain about your day feels incomplete.

I wish for a Shrimp Cocktail.

Granted, but the cocktail was poisoned so you die.
I wish for a phased plasma pulse rifle.

Granted, you shoot yourself in the foot and melt your leg off. YOU MOOO-ROOOON.
I wish for a sword.

Granted. Your sword arrived in a FedEx box, and there's actually a cobra in it.

I wish I could press every single button in the universe.

granted. you get a voice on your head and have to go through an office building and every time you try to kill yourself to escape, you end up back in your room.
i wish for quicktime events to be removed from existance.

Granted, it gets replaced with an equally terrible game mechanic.
I wish to be a streamer on Vinesauce, the quality stream.

Granted. Vinesauce closes their service after your first stream.

I wish for a large cup of lemonade to beat my extreme thirst.

Granted and by beat I assume you mean physical assault; also, it's boiling hot.

I wish for a house in New Orleans that they call the Rising Sun.

Granted, your house is the rising sun so you boil alive on it.

I wish for all the mods to be suspended for three hours.

Granted. KYM ceases functionality for 3 hours.
I wish I could find better pettyrevenge stories.

Granted, you find only sub-standard pettyrevenge stories
I wish for a pair of Bret Hart's Glasses

Granted, but you then fall and crush them.

I wish for a band of dancing skeletons singing spooky scary skeletons

granted. you're spooked so hard you can't live with yourself.
i wish all of my NV companions weren't glitched (Niner included :c)

Granted, it will take months for there condition to improve
I wish for Aerosmith to have another hit single

Granted, it quickly peeks a #10 on "the charts" and Joe Perry wasn't exactly at his best, although it does well enough to get a Grammy nomination it eventually loses.

I wish for a bicycle chain.

Granted. Your bicycle is now on fire.

I wish for a movie created by a god.

Granted, the film was created by a death god as a ploy to take corrupt souls
I wish for a sick mullet, like Macgyvers

Granted, Your mullet attracted mutant fleas that sucked all of your blood.
I wish for a sequel to Toy Story 3.

Granted! but is a crossover with cars!
i wish a good computer

Granted, but your computer gets flooded with ads on every site you go and you get tons of viruses.
I wish for the SR-2 Normandy.

Granted, but it crashes into and destroys your home.
i wish for a gunblade

Granted, but not only is it pink and smells of strong and repulsive cleaning products but it also only works at inconvenient times.

I wish I was the Lich King of Zimbabwe.

Granted, the African heat attracts carrion eaters faster than you can dispose of them.

I wish for a 10 lb. box of Oreo cookies.

Granted. Pizza with oreo cookies in it. (you know what i'm talking about)
I wish I got a perk every level so I could level Robco certified up faster.

Granted. Each perk you get is outweighed by the setback you get every levle.
I wish I had a graham's number of no-rule wishes.

Granted, you can only wish for "No Rules" a Graham's Number of times.

I wish for a chainsaw.

Granted. You have to fight through a Mars base infested with creatures from hell.
I wish for a pet deathclaw that is completely under my control and cannot kill anything unless i give the order.

Granted. You just happen to be suicidal.
I wish for a BattleMech.

Granted. You just happen to be suicidal.
I wish for a BattleMech.

Granted. It kills you for doubleposting.
I wish people could tell the difference between Buildable Bots and RobCo Certified.

Granted, but you lose the ability to tell the difference between sarcasm and sincerity.

I wish for Cool Ranch Doritos.

Granted. You're forced to play video games on console and have to live in misery for the rest of your life.
I wish for a pistol.

Granted. You now have a PissToll, a booth where you must give a urine sample to pass. Guess who's the only employee? You!
I wish to posses and control powers of the internet.

Granted. You're now trapped deep inside the bowels of 4chan, unable to return.

I wish for a pie flavored pie.

Granted, a pie violently flys out of the pie you planned on eating, causing the remains of the pie to go everywhere.

I wish for a topkek to feast upon.

Granted, you choke on it in you first bite
I wish i can stop being a newfag

Granted. You are now an oldfag constantly complaining about how the website used to be so much better 5 years ago.
I wish I was better at making my own pieces of art.

Granted, but medium you need to use is the most expensive imported Italian marble.

I wish for caramel corn.

Granted, but the caramel corn is rotten.
I wish for my own Soviet jet fighter to own.