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GRANTED It's from Pepsiman's uh…dick?
I wish FOR EVERYONE'S SAKE that capcom makes another Mega Man game!

Granted! Capcom makes another Mega Man game. Unfortunately (and perhaps unsurprisingly) it sucks. (I mean they basically neglected the franchise all these years.)

I wish I had a 3-sided die.

Granted! Every side has "1" written on it.

I was my vision was augmented.

Granted! as a catch you are now Shulk
I wish Yuki can talk with emotions, just only slightly

Granted. She now talks with slight emotion in her voice. Unfortunately she now speaks a language not of this earth. (And I'm pretty sure they aren't SQL queries either.)

I wish the soda machines in UNATCO HQ only came with orange soda.

Granted! But they taste like bepis.
I wish for the Underground to be real so I can give everyone down there a hug.

Granted. The Underground is real. Unfortunately, there's no one down there to give a hug to.

I wish that I had a lead balloon tied to a motorized tricycle driven by Bill O'Reilly.

GRANTED! The knot however does not exist, meaning the balloon does not stay on the motorized tricycle, which is missing it's petrol
I WISH FOR A TANK!

Granted.

I wish I could get XCOM 2 now…

Granted. (I guess) You can get XCOM 2 now (on Steam at least). Why you didn't get it is your problem.

I wish for a bowl of nacho.

^I'm pretty sure that's not how you're supposed to corrupt stuff.

Granted, the bowl has a crack in it, and the nachos are topped with spiders.

^(Oh well, can't get it right all the time I suppose.)
No previous wish.

I wish the previous user wished a wish.

GRANTED! But if CrashGordon94 knew it was corrupted anyway
Since Valentine's day is on the brink, I wish Haruhi would be my valentine

Granted, but she ends up roping you into doing messed-up stuff with her, probably literally.

I wish for the JoJ!

Granted, but it ends up deadpooled
(why did i even bother looking it up)

I wish that the wish from the person below me won't get corrupted.

Granted, instead your wish gets corrupted twice as hard!
…Wait, what?

I wish for a solution to this paradox

Granted, you are given the final solution to the paradox question. Have a great gassing shower!

I wish for a XCOM 2 optimization patch

Granted. Firaxis releases an optimization patch. Unfortunately, it's attached to an update that nerfs your weapon damage and increases enemy accuracy.

I wish for the return of Lord Inglip from the forgotten realms of time.

Wish granted, but you failed the captcha and died mate

I wish for a happy Monday for once jeez

Granted. You get a happy monday. Unfortunately, the rest of your week sucks.

I wish for the global economy to tank.

Granted. The whole global economy only produces tanks of all sorts and promptly crashes.

I wish I wasn't stressed. AGAIN.

Granted, you now speak in single word "sentences" and nothing else.

I wish James Cameron would hurry up and make that Battle Angel Alita movie.

Granted! He and his production company work so it comes out next month. Unfortunately, the quality suffers dramatically. (Pray it doesn't end up like Dragonball Evolution.)

I wish that Congress passed a vote that would force them to be launched into the sun.

Granted: But they instead absorb the power of the sun and become godlike. Allowing them to spread their will across the galaxy

I wish i could find a job.

Granted. You can only find menial labor jobs that pay under the table and way under the state/federal minimum wage.

I wish I had an Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with cherry flavored jello. (FOR SCIENCE!)

Granted. Your vocabulary has increased. You now know the word "Hodor." (It's become your favorite word.)

I wish the International Olympic Committee would include Bulgarian Speed Polka Dancing as an event for the Summer Olympics.

Wish Granted, the first competitors are injured badly, leading for the event to be removed within a week
I wish Yang had got her arm back

GRANTED. Yang gets her arm back but the nervous connections to the appendage are unable to be repaired. (In layman's terms, she has her arm back but she can't move it.)

I wish I had proficiency in the following weapons: Maces, Swords, Dwarves, and Cantaloupes.

Granted. Your Dwarves eat your cantaloupes and run off with your swords & maces all the time so you have to keep getting new ones.

I wish for Steam sales.

Granted. Steam has sales…. on steam. (At a good rate if you're trying to heat your home with radiators.)

I wish every household in America was issued a standard Federation Type-2 phaser and a box of Honey Nut Cheerios.

Granted, some idiots eat the phaser and cause lawsuits.

I wish I was more financially stable…

Granted, but later on you get arrested for stealing from several banks.

I wish to know all of the secrets of the cosmos…

Granted but you will be unable to live peacefully by thinking of the cosmic horrors and how insignificant everything you care actually is
I wish to be able to enter my favorite shows/anime and exit when i want

Granted. You can enter and exit your favorite shows when you desire. Unfortunately, doing either action tends to break the displaying device. (Talk about breaking the fourth wall!)

I wish the moon had a toroidal (donut) shape and rotated more quickly.

Granted! but the hole in the moon means weather patterns are more deadly
I wish stickykeys never existed

Granted, they never existed because keyboards never did, you have to do everything with touchscreens/mice/gamepads.

I wish my internet connection here was better.

Granted! But Flash and Java no longer work here
I wish the brigade stays together even long beyond high school

Granted, they melt together into one being.

I wish for JUSTICE!

Granted! But the Justice will be dealt on you!
I wish Itsuki can stop smiling when it is uneccessary

Granted. Koizumi stops smiling unnecessarily. Unfortunately, this is due to nervous and muscular damage to his respective nerves and muscles in his face. (And thus leaves his face disfigured. Poor esper.)

I wish I could vanquish my enemies by pelting them with elementally charged d20s.

Granted. However on one dreadful day you throw a 1 and hit yourself.

I wish for good calcium.

Granted, your bones are so strong that you become a skeleton.

I wish I could control how energetic I am.

GRANTED! But however your nerve control becomes unstable and it eventually kills you
I wish the person that answer this becomes a Haruhiist like me

Granted, but just like in Highlander There Can Be Only One! And it ain't gonna be you.

I wish for a banana split.

GRANTED!

I wish for seat arrangements in my class are changed for the chance Haruhi is not behind me

Granted. You and Haruhi are moved to the front of the classroom. Her desk is right beside yours.

I wish there was a Cheeseburger Apocalypse!

GRANTED! You do not live to see it happen
I wish for one day to myself
EDIT: Oh look a new page!

Granted, and on that day everything goes wrong.

I wish for a muffin.

Granted. However it didn't do anything.

I wish bavaria wouldn't exist.

Granted. Bavaria doesn't exist.. as well as the rest of Germany… or Europe… or the Earth for that matter. (Which begs the question "How is this being posted then?")

Instead of driving a souped-up Aston Martin, I wish James Bond got around in the General Lee (outfitted with spy gadgets, of course).