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Granted! But it's decaffeinated.

I wish I could have some chocolate milk!

Granted. You have chocolate milk! Unfortunately, it has been spilled.

I wish I had a glass house next to a quarry currently engaging in explosive mining techniques.

(Why? For science, that's why!)

granted. it explodes from the mining bullshit and you die from all the shards.

I wish I could give a shit.

Granted! But you have been arrested for giving feces to people.
I wish I would be real.

Granted! You're now real as an actual penny.
I wish i could control the elements.

granted. you can now control everything and you have the power to destroy everything. 'cause, y'know, you're controlling actual elements.

I wish that I could have some food, just a little…

Granted! You have 5 seconds to eat food if you find any.
I wish i had more weapons suited to me

Granted. They are inside your SUIT of armour, pointed towards you
I wish the codex approved of my actions.

Granted. The Codex now approves of your actions. However, this is due to you being converted into an Industrial Servitor.

I wish I had a dump truck filled with peat moss.

(If you're wondering why… Well, I don't exactly know why myself.)

Granted! There's really nothing else, a dump truck full of peat moss is weird in itself.
I wish I could fly a plane!

granted. it explodes.

I wish I could breathe underwater.

Granted, but a shark eats you.

I wish sequels and reboots stopped sucking.

Granted! Now they blow!
I wish for cookies.

Granted. You get cookies, as in HTTP cookies. Not exactly sure if actual cookies would be beneficial to your internal mechanisms. (Unless, of course, you actually have a system capable of replicating a digestive process.)

I wish for a corgi dressed in a top hat and a monocle smoking a pipe.

Granted! He considers you as a good pet!
I wish Dio would be mine!

Granted. You are hereby the proud owner of the corpse of Ronny James Dio (also simply known as "Dio").

I wish I had a new crowbar. Some asshat scientist with glasses stole mine.

Granted! it bends on the first use…

I wish for a new car

Granted

I want to be granted 100 more wishes.

Granted! but you only have 100 seconds to grant your 100 wishes.

I wish that I could be a Kaiju

Granted, but an Imperator titan descends from the heavens and blows you up.
I wish history channel had a show about our ancestors' methods of shitposting.

granted! it now exists, but it is barely 3 seconds long.
I wish for a better computer

granted. it is now super fast but shuts down every 30 seconds when it's on.

I wish I knew who my favorite artist was,

Granted, it's a caveman called Zuk.

I wish for mental health.

Granted, mental health exists but you don't have it.
i wish for a map of the entire universe.

Granted, but Link has it.
I wish tumblr and 4chan switched communities for a month.

Granted. 4chan and tumblr switch communities for a month. This, however, causes mass confusion among both communities and seeing such an opportunity to seize power, the 9gag army moves in and usurps the popularity and power of both communities.

I wish NASA would come clean and tell the truth about the Saturnian moon of Mimas actually being the third Death Star.

Granted, but not with a straight face.

I wish it was beer o'clock.

Granted, it's beer o'clock… for anyone but you.
I wish to be a millionaire

Granted, you get arrested by the feds for theft.

I wish for a copy of Dark Souls 3.

Granted. You get a copy of Dark Souls 3. Unfortunately, it turns out to be a poorly pirated copy and thus is missing many sections of data, rendering the game basically unplayable.

I wish I had a legally obtained, non-expired, unopened package of Sudafed.

Granted, but then somebody happens to rob it from you because they wanted it more

I wish that my girlfriend would break up with me

Granted. Your girlfriend breaks up with you. In fact, both of you are being broken up by immense gravitational forces as you are slowly spaghettified by the singularity you're both being pulled into.

I wish that the Redshirts were the controlling political party in the Federation.

(If you're wondering why I'm wishing for this again, it's because the user who responded to it last time didn't corrupt it. You know who you are.)

Granted, now everyone else has been relegated to red-shirt while they are purple

I wish montage parodies were still relevant

Granted, but now they are all edited like shitty anime amv's.

I wish I could change the colors of things at will.

Granted. You also forget everything you learned about colour-theory and everything you ''paint'' is seizure inducing.

I wish that incompetence would cease to exist.

Granted, now everything is done wrong out of spite.

I wish for a Story Book Wedding.

Granted. There's going to be a wedding at your local religious establishment between two children's story books. Apparently, you've also agreed to be the best man.

I wish that politicians were actual weeds instead of being them metaphorically.

Wish granted but its Japanese knot weed and your house and garden is ruined

I wish for a beauty full slice of carrot cake

Granted, i've just finished eating it.
I wish i had fire emblem fates.

Granted. You don't have a 3DS.

I wish we didn't have to go through all these cont- ahem messes in life.

Granted. You don't because you're dead.
I wish i could play the violin

Granted, but you lose every finger that isn't a thumb.

I wish for spaceflight to happen.

Granted. But it's Warhammer 40000-style space flight with hell, demons and shit like that IN SPACE.

I wish for an endless supply of mac and cheese

Granted, but that supply is mine.
I wish i had more games

Granted, but they are all plug-in-play games.
I wish I could draw actual art.

Granted, you can now draw existing art and only existing art.
I wish for a better spear

Granted, but it's a Shakespeare (lol shitty puns).
I wish inklings from Splatoon were real and wouldn't die from water.

Granted. Inklings become real and don't die from water. They are however quickly rounded up by agencies from multiple countries for study and interrogation.

I wish I had an aluminum baseball bat. My last melee weapon broke.

Granted. It's guarded by sephiroth and akuma.
I wish Rare were still Nintendo second party

Granted, but Rare ends up destroying itself by making worse games, much to the surprise of everyone.

I'm gonna be unoriginal, but I wish manaketes from Fire Emblem were real. After all, who wouldn't want their cute dragon waifus to exist (especially Corrin--even if she isn't necessarily a manakete)?