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The ship suddenly stops, and I fly across the entire ship
'WHOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAA" Crash
"….I'm okay…."

(tries to crawl out from a console he crashed into)
"Yeah, lucky us."

"Promis me…we will never do that again"

Chat and hopefully become evil partners. Then, work on taking control of the ship.

Constantly flirt with you, and hint at wanting to do naughty things ;)

Be confused due to the fact you would do that to a very small plankton.

"Honey, I'll flirt with anything "

"Well you won't last long then, xenomorphs don't like to flirt, they prefer to let their babies have what I refer to as face rape first, then the kid you have kills you."

We would always do a pose-off competition.

So…what was the contract again?

Uh, let's see.
(pulls out mission manual and starts riffling through the pages)

Ah, here.

It says "Explore space and don't fuck with alien shit." (I don't know why mission control would use such language in the manual.) It also says in parentheses in fine print that they really don't care about following that mission parameter.

So, basically, we go through space and mess with aliens at our own discretion.

So….I won't get in trouble for sleeping with an alien?

I'm pretty sure that's why we traipsed halfway across the sector. So, no, you won't get into trouble for sleeping with aliens. (Unless, of course, you get some weird xeno-STD. Then that might be a problem.)

Possibly spinning those batons right round.

Like a record baby!

Give me the secrets to your muscles…

(points Kyon to a stash of steroids hidden in the ship's medicine cabinet)

It's not any drugs like that. It's made of pure rage!

Welp, we are freaking screwed!

"OKAY WHO LET THE WABBIT ON BOARD!?"
Going into the closet voluntarily

Nice I am with some random dude and we are in space now. Great.

You're rational right? Try kicking this thing in a different direction, it'll probably turn if you do it hard enough.

Wait, how did in here with a cat in the first place?

"It's best to not question anything. A lot of weird stuff happens on this ship"

Everyone panicking madly as the ship was on a collision course
"You're telling me…"

Okay, we'll finish this mission in no time if you stop trying to download your girlfriend's pics

(steps out of cryo chamber and sees the current state of the ship)

Yep.

"Oh thank God, you're out. The ship is a train wreck, all these people keep appearing, and I suddenly grew a pompadour"
looks in the mirror
"Actually….I'm fine with the pompadour"

(walks over to storage closet and retrieves a blowtorch)

Alright, all I need is an empty locker and we should be good to go.

Carrying a locker

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?

(examines locker)

That should work just fine.

Now I just need to salvage a couple of torpedo motors and guidance systems from the armory.

(I feel this is going to turn out like a round of Space Station 13.)

Any help out here? Someone keeps on wasting data on haruhi pics.

"I'll get the torpedo motors for ya, be back in a sec"
runs off to the armory

(rings Burgundy on his commlink)

“And the guidance systems! We also need guidance systems.”

"Way ahead of ya"
Burgundy already grabbed the guidance systems before A-Train called

music starts playing

me flying around the spaceship leaving everyone on board confused

(drags locker and equipment down to the cargo bay to look for some extra hull plating)

"I have a question, what is everyones job on this ship? Like, who's the pilot? Who's the engineer? I'm pretty sure A-Trains the captain, but I could be wrong…"

I'm helping with the engine on the computer and firing the missiles, but there's a lack of data here.

(Thread title should probably be changed to "KYM Riff-Raff Spaceship Simulator" all things considered.)

Well, let's see:
A-Train: Captain
Burgundy: First Officer/Conn
Kyon: Security Chief
Volga: Chief Engineer
Sand. Knight: Engineer
Everyone else: To Be Assigned

Openings for:
Chief Medical Officer (Because space is full of disease and pain and radiation and stuff.)
Science Officer (Because space is full of strange and often unexplainable shit.)
Chef (Because you can only eat so many space rations before being sick of them.)
Security Officer (Don't worry, your armor is going to be black and blue.)
Medic/Nurse (Stressing out the CMO by giving him all the medical work is a bad idea.)
Engineer (Because FTL drives and the spaceships they're attached to are complex and often finicky things.)
Various Bridge Officer positions – TBA (Us command staff can't run the bridge all of the time.)
(List may be incomplete. List may be subject to change.)

Please forward all assignment applications to the captain.

We form a tag team for a space wrestling promotion and I get busted for drugs.

I never authorized the formation of an underground ship-wide space wrasslin league.

(hides promotional flyer under his ready room desk)

Burgundy has donned a spacesuit, and is starting to look more and more like Space Dandy.

Its going to be a long trip. Get comfortable.

And NO WE ARE NOT TAKING GUNDAMNS, MECHS OR JETS TripleA9000!

I think you're no one to talk you just sold half of my spears just to get more magazines with haruhi's face on them

They were low tier, I didn't sell the proper ones…

What did you just say?

Burgundy enters the room
"Can you two stop bickering for a minute and do your fuckin' jobs?"

Somebody say "mecha"?